Humour Quotes

The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling into. Several of the trees appeared to have been specifically designed for climbing, and one huge, white old birch overhanging the stream promised the exhilarating combination of climbing a tree and falling into the water, all at one time.

~ David Eddings

Do you really think he was flirting with me?Let's see. He gave you candy you hate - I saw your face - and a CD of songs... He looks at the CD. All of these are, like, twenty years old at least. Figures. Oh, and he groped your face. Sounds like true love to me.

~ Elizabeth Scott

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.No, wait… In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection.

~ Dianna Hardy

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

~ Haruki Murakami

Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up.

~ Michael W. Lucas

Do you know what she did today? He leaned confidentially across the table, pointing at the dishes in the sink. She went to the market and left all the breakfast dishes there and said she'd do them later. I know what she wanted. She expected me to do them. Well, I'll fool her. I'll leave them just where they are.

~ Ayn Rand

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS! It was...........Dumbledore!

~ Tara Gilesbie

The trouble with England, he thinks, is that it's so poor in gesture. We shall have to develop a hand signal for ‘Back off, our prince is fucking this man's daughter.’ He is surprised that the Italians have not done it. Though perhaps they have, and he just never caught on.

~ Hilary Mantel

I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT Hargirid paused angrily. BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!

~ Tara Gilesbie

Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”“How right you are, strange delusional man,” Sinjin said.

~ Libba Bray

Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.

~ Tom Stoppard

Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then — and this is the important bit — do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.

~ Jasper Fforde

Maxim 37: There is no overkill. There is only open fire and reload.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

~ Howard Tayler

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

~ Howard Tayler

Thou art hunger, yo. Make with the starvation.

~ Jackie Morse Kessler

Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.

~ Meredith Duran

He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.

~ Terry Pratchett

Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card.

~ Charles Stross

Aren't maids the ultimate art critics?

~ John Waters

Either a species learns to control its own population, or something like disease, famine, war, will take care of the issue.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

I was emotionally erect.

~ Sherman Alexie

How come you like Josh so much anyway? All he does is sit around drinking overpriced coffee and bitching about how awful things areHe cares about the world.If he cared about the world, he'd donate the ten thousand dollars he must spend on coffee every year to charity. That would be doing something.

~ Elizabeth Scott

Don Pedro - (...)'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.'Benedick - The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted; and in such great letters as they writes, 'Here is good horse for hire', let them signify under my sign, 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.

~ William Shakespeare

If he were a man of strong mind, it only gave him fits; but a person of mere average intellect it usually sent mad.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living.

~ Mark Haddon

Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead guilty you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.Not guilty.Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.But it beats extradition.

~ Howard Tayler

Joe: Oo, Brittany Aren't I Fabulous? Hobson?Addie: She's not that bad.Joe: Brittany All the Boys Like Me, I'm so Popular I Could Die Hobson.Addie: Joe!

~ James Howe

Strange, isn't it,' mused Glokta as he watched him struggle for air. 'Big men, small men, thin men, fat men, clever men, stupid men, they all respond the same to a fist in the guts. One minute you think you're the most powerful man in the world. The next you can't even breathe by yourself.

~ Joe Abercrombie

It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, Work! After beefsteak and porter, it says, Sleep! After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don't let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity!

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock

~ Howard Tayler

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

~ Demetri Martin

If the colour of life turns grey turn the palette the other way

~ Benny Bellamacina

Intellectual controversies tend to be like dog fights without the teeth, in which the barking not the biting does the damage.

~ Luis Fernando Verissimo

Of the 2,639,857 faggots in the New York city area, 2,639,857 think primarily with their cocks.You didn't know that the cock was a thinking organ?Well, by this time, you should know that it is.

~ Larry Kramer

The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!I guess that explains their rich military history, then.

~ Howard Tayler

Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don't know. Call it suspicion of extreme competence on my part.-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn

~ Howard Tayler

Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

~ Howard Tayler

Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows.We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows.I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here.I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line.He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out.I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper.

~ Nicole Hamlett

Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says so nice to see you again in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.

~ Howard Tayler

I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came to a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988.

~ Alan Partridge