Humour Quotes

I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.I juggled two pressing needs:1) Protect the nethers.2) Leer

~ B. Justin Shier

I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, Who? What? Where? (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)

~ B. Justin Shier

I like you but you mightn't feel the same way about me, and I wouldn't blame you. To save us both from any awkward moments I've figured out an easy way to do this. Nod if you're even slightly interested in getting to know me. Write a ten page explanation if you're not.

~ Bill Condon

Hi. I'm here to enlist.You can't. You aren't human.You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like interspeciated workplaces. We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do hurting people and breaking things.Sounds like my kind of fun.-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs

~ Howard Tayler

No, but if I were an illegal, experimental replicant hiding the truth of an international conspiracy I would try and put myself out of the way of those investigating it, wouldn't you? I don't think hiding under a bed will be very successful. But, if you've any better idea of what the deadly robot assassin is up to, please feel free to act upon it.

~ Guy Haley

So it was perfectly possible that there were men who liked shopping, men who understood exactly what it was all about, but Mma Ramotwe had yet to meet such a man. Maybe they existed elsewhere - in France, perhaps - but they did not seem to be much in evidence in Botswana.

~ Alexander Mccall Smith

It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words Oh shit! in eleven different languages.

~ John Biggins

...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...

~ Carla Foft

Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw.It was its tendency to bend at the knees.

~ Terry Pratchett

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

~ Jefferson Smith

After that, we had a short conversation about how your body can sometimes seem totally separate. She said her body can feel like a distant bureaucracy controlled by telegrams from her brain, and I said my body is sometimes like that of Mario Mario, being controlled with a Nintendo joypad. Mario's surname is Mario.

~ Joe Dunthorne

She was nothing more than a mere good-tempered, civil and obliging Young Woman; as such we could scarcely dislike her -- she was only an Object of Contempt

~ Jane Austen

Ask any Ferrari, Porsche or Ray-Ban salesperson about their average customer and you will very likely hear that he is not, as the adverts would have us believe, a virile young footballer with shiny hair, a rippling six pack and a trouser pouch like a new punch bag. He is, in fact, a middle-aged bloke wearing more chins than he started life with and carrying the clear evidence of forty years of beer and pies slung across his midriff.

~ Richard Hammond

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.

~ Joseph Heller

If wishes were horses, I'd need a very big stable.

~ Greg Curtis

Lucky Luke: I wonder how you manage to read with everything that's going on.Jolly Jumper: By turning the pages just like everyone else.

~ Morris

As you can see, the hyphen is a nasty, tricky, evil little mark that gets its kicks igniting arguments in newsrooms and trying to make everyone in the English-speaking world look like an idiot - it's the Bill Maher of punctuation.

~ June Casagrande

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

~ Peter Grimwade

... and because they were fond of reading, she fancied them satirical: perhaps without exactly knowing what it was to be satirical; but that did not signify. It was censure in common use, and easily given.

~ Jane Austen

I was camped at the same site as her: Broughton Farm. She came over to my tent and showed me her blisters. She asked me whether I knew the reason why a blister can keep on producing fluid ad infinitum. I said that I had always wondered the same thing about mucus. One of the reasons we are together is because we have similar interests.

~ Joe Dunthorne

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.

~ Joe Dunthorne

No more creepy online alter egos in the name of love.

~ Elizabeth Rudnick

I tell myself not to feel sexually threatened. I am of no special interest, he could just as easily be angling for the printer.

~ Joe Dunthorne

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

~ Jefferson Smith

When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.

~ Lawrence Shorter

But neither could compare with the gargantuan natural edifice that was the mountain upon which Nachtstürm Castle rose. It was a mountain made of the darkness between two lightning bolts. It was made less of earth than Stygian frost. Whole towns fell away as they ascended, as though the ranks of black and frowning conifers waged war against the humans below. Even the path – rather narrow and rarely straight – seemed less made by centuries of pilgrim feet and more by the trace of some careless demon’s claw.It was, in fact, perfect.

~ Emily C.a. Snyder

I make my way back whistling. Gerry nods towards Mrs Brady who is standing beside the trolleys.Morning, Mrs Brady, I say cheerfully.I push her provisions out to the car.Things are something terrible, she says. You can't trust anybody.No.It's come to a sorry pass.It has.There's hormones in the beef and tranquillizers in the bacon. There's men with breasts and women with mickeys. All from eating meat.Now.I steer a path between a crowd of people while she keeps step alongside.Can you believe it - they're feeding the pigs Valium. If you boil a bit of bacon you have to lie down afterwards. Dear oh dear.Yes, I nod.The thought of food makes me ill.The pigs are getting depressed in those sheds. If they get depressed they lose weight. So they tranquillize them. Where will it end?I don't know, Mrs Brady, I say. I begin filling the boot. That's why I started buying lamb. Then along came Chernobyl. Now you can't even have lamb stew or you'll light up at night! I swear. And when they've left you with nothing safe to eat, next thing they come along and tell you you can't live in your own house.I haven't heard of that one, Mrs Brady.Listen to me. She took my elbow. It could all happen that you're in your own house and the next thing is there's radiation bubbling under the floorboards.What?It comes right at you through the foundations. Watch the yogurts. Did you hear of th

~ Dermot Healy

Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.

~ Karl Kraus

I have actually known a case where a Woman has exterminated her whole household, and half an hour afterwards, when her rage was over and the fragments swept away, has asked what has become of her husband and her children.

~ Edwin A. Abbott

Her metaphors for her children included barnacles encrusting a ship and limpets clinging to a rock.

~ Margaret Atwood

While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.

~ James Finn Garner

Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show you a woman with enlarged pores.

~ Cynthia Heimel

Mother Goose!I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult.

~ Alan Bradley

But what he said was true enough: I had recently destroyed a perfectly good set of wire braces by straightening them to pick a lock. Father had grumbled, of course, but had made another appointment to have me netted and dragged back up to London, to that third-floor ironmonger's shop in Farringdon Street, where I would be strapped to a board like Boris Karloff as various bits of ironmongery were shoved into my mouth, screwed in, and bolted to my gums.

~ Alan Bradley

When the waiter brought the cheese-board, there was a large carrot carved in the shape of a mermaid sitting between the Dolcelatte and the Pecorino. Teo could have sworn that the carrot-mermaid flexed her tail and plunged her little hand inside a smelly Gorgonzola. 'Tyromancy, ye know,' remarked the mermaid. 'The Ancient Art of Divination by Cheese.' Then she pulled her tiny hand out and inspected the green cheese-mold on her tiny fingers. 'Lackaday!' she moaned. 'Stinking! It goes poorly for Venice and Teodora, it do!

~ Michelle Lovric

Lussurioso: Welcome, be not far off, we must be better acquainted. Push, be bold with us, thy hand!Vindice: With all my heart, i'faith. How dost, sweet musk-cat? When shall we lie together?Lussurioso: (aside) Wondrous knave!Gather him into boldness? 'Sfoot, the slave'sAlready as familiar as an ague,And shakes me at his pleasure! -- Friend, I canForget myself in private, but elsewhere,I pray do you remember be.Vindice: Oh, very well, sir.I conster myself saucy.Lussurioso: What hast been? What profession?Vindice: A bone-setter.Lussurioso: A bone-setter!Vindice: A bawd, my lord, one that sets bones together.Lussurioso: (aside) Notable bluntness!

~ Thomas Middleton

Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse.

~ Alexei Sayle

The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I'll get tea before you.

~ Graham Gooch

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

~ Dan Quayle