Humour Quotes

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of smell had been much keener, no doubt a side effect of a strict diet. Maybe he got a whiff of Mabel's finest, he wasn't sure, but a craving came over him. Suddenly, he had to have something to eat. Suddenly, he wanted to snatch the bag from Kendall, rip open a package, and start gnawing on a fruitcake.

~ John Grisham

What I Found in My DeskA ripe peach with an ugly bruise,a pair of stinky tennis shoes,a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,a swimsuit that I left to dry,a pencil that glows in the dark,some bubble gum found in the park,a paper bag with cookie crumbs,an old kazoo that barely hums,a spelling test I almost failed,a letter that I should have mailed,and one more thing, I must confess,a note from teacher: Clean This Mess!!!!

~ Bruce Lansky

And Talon did not understand – no, strike that, he didn‘t want to understand – why seeing Hawk and Roadkill together gave him a funny ache in the pit of his stomach. Every time he looked at Flit, the ache got worse. He needed to get laid.

~ Agatha Bird

I was much affected by the internal troubles of the Punch family; I thought that with a little more tact on the part of Mrs. Punch and some restraint held over a temper, naturally violent, by Mr. Punch, a great deal of this sad misunderstanding might have been prevented.

~ Edmund Gosse

Let me get this straight. The future of our relationship hinged on advice from a fifteen-year-old girl, a probably untrue story from a one-eyed Chihuahua trainer, and me unromantically - yet skillfully - kissing you on top of silverware and china?

~ Richelle Mead

I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.

~ Joss Whedon

Q. Why don't the British panic?A. They do, but very quietly. It is impossible for the naked eye to tell their panic from their ecstasy.

~ George Mikes

Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, Would you like to see my plate?

~ Naomi Novik

Wainscott, Deepspace Operations Group,’ said the man. ‘Wasn’t here, don’t exist, pleased to meet you.

~ Toby Frost

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

~ Honeya

You ever want to negotiate a hostage situation in Quebec, I'm your man. Send me in for a little parley and the francophone miscreants will flee, hands over bleeding ears.

~ Will Ferguson

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that says something about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.

~ Charlie Brooker

A spy novel?” Dagmar asked. “You two are talking about a spy nov

~ G.a. Aiken

Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.

~ Christopher Golden

And that noise! It was enough to make that happy mailman on Mr. Rogers go postal!

~ Christopher Golden

Breakfast isn't breakfast without breakfast.

~ Laura C Goodwin

One of the police found a garden chair that I could stand on and they eyed me suspiciously as I tried to slide through the window.The fleece that I was wearing was padding me out too much so I took it off.I tried again, and this time it was my pen, pen-torch and scissors in my shirt pocket that got in the way. I moved them into my trouser pocket.One of the police asked if it would help if I was buttered up.I pretended not to listen to him. Or the giggles of my crewmate.

~ Tom Reynolds

Just looking at him made Andrew feel tense and irritated. It was wonder perfect strangers didn't go up to the guy and punch him in the face.

~ Jane Davitt

Fabre stood up. He placed his fingertips on d‘Anton’s temples. “Put your fingers here,” he said. “Feel the resonance. Put them here, and here.” He jabbed at d’Anton’s face: below the cheekbones, at the side of his jaw. “I’ll teach you like an actor,” he said. “This city is our stage.”Camille said: “Book of Ezekiel. ‘This city is the cauldron, and we the flesh’ ...”Fabre turned. “This stutter,” he said. “You don’t have to do it.” Camille put his hands over his eyes. “Leave me alone,” he said. “Even you.” Fabre’s face was incandescent. “Even you, I am going to teach.” He leapt forward, wrenched Camille upright in his chair. He took him by the shoulders and shook him. “You’re going to talk properly,” Fabre said. “Even if it kills one of us.” Camille put his hands protectively over his head. Fabre continued to perpetrate violence; d’Anton was too tired to intervene.

~ Hilary Mantel

Is it colour?’‘Oh yes.’‘You don’t let me down.You are my ambassador to pr0n, man.

~ Christopher Brookmyre

Lady Constance's lips tightened, and a moment passed during which it seemed always a fifty-fifty chance that a handsome silver ink-pot would fly through the air in the direction of her brother's head.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Bustle about Noddy, or we shant be in time to snabble any of the lobster patties.

~ Georgette Heyer

It’s a popular fact that 90 percent of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. . . . It is used. One of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary, to turn the unusual into the usual. Otherwise, human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing a stupid grin, saying “Wow,” a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening.

~ Terry Pratchett

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

~ Karl Pilkington

- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

~ William Shakespeare

Did he know she could barely think, let alone speak, for awareness of proximity of his fingers?Of course he knew. He was a rake. This is what he did.

~ Anne Gracie

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You're the corpse in an English murder mystery.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

A five-week sand blizzard? said Deep Thought haughtily. You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.

~ Douglas Adams

Honestly—who puts a hamburger next to diet tofu curry unless they’re trying to buy your soul?

~ Amy Lane

Oh—and you need to work on making my opinion more important than Josh’s, too. I know it’s a stretch—he’s your most intimate relationship to date, but when you’re balls deep in my ass, I’d prefer you not be wondering if it counts as a workout.

~ Amy Lane

I think that people's sexual preferences are a legitimate subject for humour, dirty humour if at all possible.

~ Christopher Hitchens

I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

He felt water run down his back from the damp brickwork he was sitting against, and as he worried distantly about corrosion he realised you can always fall a little further. A moment ago he thought he'd bottomed out, but now he was concerned about personal rust. Mother of fuck.

~ Christopher Brookmyre

You think I can't get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.

~ Alberto Vitale

He was under the mistaken impression that I didn't have enough tact.The truth was, I had no tact.

~ Caroline Hanson

In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, working his hand in his armpit to produce a rhytmic farting.

~ Craig Raine

What in cat hell just happened?

~ Sarah Jane Avory

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

~ Pete Sortwell

The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!

~ Kevin Hearne