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Humour Quotes

Humour quote from classy quote

It also makes my father right again. How will I ever soar with the eagles if I'm surrounded by turkeys?

~ A.s. King

A.s. King Humour

This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Geeks Humour

Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envelope and a whore.

~ Richard Brautigan

Richard Brautigan Hardboiled Humour Noir Stationary

This revolution - will it be a living?''We must hope so. Look, I have to go, I'm visiting a client. He's going to be hanged tomorrow.''Is that usual?''Oh, they always hang my clients. Even in property and matrimonial cases.

~ Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel Humour

As Danton sees it, the most bizarre aspect of Camille's character is his desire to scribble over every blank surface; he sees a guileless piece of paper, virgin and harmless, and persecutes it till it is black with words, and then besmirches its sister, and so on, through the quire.

~ Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel Humour Jurnalism

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Humor Humour Satire

Our bellies are empty and our patience is short...submit to us and we will make of you a great quiche!''Again with the QUICHE?! What kind of self-respecting monster would eat a DAINTY PASTRY DISH?! STEW is what we will make of their bones!''Don't get greedy on me! There's three of them! I just want the little one for my quiche!''It was nothing to do with greed! It's a matter of principle! MONSTERS DO NOT EAT QUICHE!

~ Jeff Smith

Jeff Smith Humour Quiche Stupid Stupid Rat Creatures

He feared, in his secret heart, that one day in company the baby would sit up and speak; that it would engage his eyes, appraise him, and say, 'You prick.

~ Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel Humour

Being single isn't a terminal disease.Try telling that to my mother.

~ Alexandra Potter

Alexandra Potter Humour Singlehood

The whole room said, Admire without touching anything and then get out.

~ Kaje Harper

Kaje Harper Humour

Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from ‘Theme to Murder, She Wrote’.

~ Gideon Defoe

Gideon Defoe Humour Murder She Wrote Pirates

This is why I didn’t get married last year,” she said to him. “I wouldn’t be here to nurse you.” She thought about that for a moment. “Of course, one could make the argument that you wouldn’t be in this situation if not for me. But we’re not going to dwell upon that.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Humour

For my part, I am determined never to speak of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day.

~ Jane Austen

Jane Austen Humour Hypocrisy

I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel.

~ John Biggins

John Biggins Camel Humor Humour Submarine Ww1

For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law.

~ Margaret Widdemer

Margaret Widdemer Engagement Humour Mother In Law

The grass on the other side of the hill may well be greener, but you should always check that there isn't something with teeth and claws crouching in it.

~ Chris I. Naylor

Chris I. Naylor Humour

All that evening he talked to the Candle of Arras, in a low confidential tone. When you get down to it, he thought, there's not much difference between politics and sex; it's all aboutpower. He didn't suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It's a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it: if Camille, he thought, approximates to one of those little milliners who can't make ends meet - in other words, an absolute pushover - then Robespierre is a Carmelite, mind set on becoming Mother Superior. You can't corrupt her; you can wave your cock under her nose, and she's neither shocked nor interested: why should she be, when she hasn't the remotest ideawhat it's for?

~ Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel Humour Politics

The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possession, and the gloom of the house was most depressing. The cook (an amiable woman, but of a weak turn of intellect) burst into tears on beholding the kitchen, and requested that her silver watch might be delivered over to her sister (2 Tuppintock’s Gardens, Liggs’s Walk, Clapham Rise), in the event of anything happening to her from the damp. Streaker, the housemaid, feigned cheerfulness, but was the greater martyr. The Odd Girl, who had never been in the country, alone was pleased, and made arrangements for sowing an acorn in the garden outside the scullery window, and rearing an oak.

~ Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens Dickens Humour

He looked like a young Crusader on a tomb. That was Phyllis's first impression of Allan Harrington.

~ Margaret Widdemer

Margaret Widdemer Humour Invalid

And the way you lost your temper! went on Wallis enthusiastically. Oh, Mr. Allan, it was beautiful! You haven't been more than to say snarly since the accident! It was so like the way you used to throw hair-brushes--

~ Margaret Widdemer

Margaret Widdemer Anger Humour Recovery Temper

Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question why his superior officer was dressed as Julius Caesar, in full tunic and green leafy wreath, yet ever since the new and youngest-ever-appointed superintendent had arrived at the Met it had been all too clear he was an officer who didn’t quite do things by the eBook.

~ Tom Conrad

Tom Conrad Comedy Crime Scenes Detectives Ebooks Humour Murder Pomposity

Death by creaming

~ Yvonne Miller

Yvonne Miller Humour

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

~ Joshua Donellan

Joshua Donellan Humor Humorous Humour Humourous

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

~ Joshua Donellan

Joshua Donellan Humor Humorous Humour Humourous

Americans invented adolescence. It is not a natural phenomenon. Adolescence is a social construct, created by an urban-industrial society that keeps its young at home far past puberty. Teenage angst is a luxury if a successful modern human conceit that isn't condoned by our superior species.

~ Sarah Beth Durst

Sarah Beth Durst Adolescence Angst Humour

Armour... is part of a state of mind... in which you admit the possibility... of being hit.

~ Joe Abercrombie

Joe Abercrombie Fantasy Humour

Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. The note: 'No hard feelings, everyone, but I've thought about it and it's just not on, is it? It's nearly on, but not quite. No? Anyway, all the best, C.

~ Martin Amis

Martin Amis Humour Suicide Suicide Note

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Dress Up Historical History Hobbies Humour Larps Reenactment Wenches Wit Women

Yes,' Spade growled. 'And when you're slapped you'll take it and like it.' He released Cairo's wrist and with a thick open hand struck the side of his face three times savagely.

~ Dashiell Hammett

Dashiell Hammett Detective Gumshoe Humour

Julia's unhappy relationship with the Inland Revenue was due to her omission, during four years of modestly successful practice at the Bar, to pay any income tax. The truth is, I think, that she did not, in her heart of hearts, really believe in income tax. It was a subject which she had studied for examinations and on which she had thereafter advised a number of clients: she naturally did not suppose, in these circumstances, that it had anything to do with real life.

~ Sarah Caudwell

Sarah Caudwell Humour Taxes

I'll be with my sister. And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoke signals last year. - Nana

~ Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks Humour Nana The Lucky One

What followed was for him a very entertaining spectacle, with one of Edward's brothers seemingly intent upon the most subtle of seductions and the other barely able to force malmsey past the gorge rising in his throat.

~ Sharon Kay Penman

Sharon Kay Penman Humour

We took a bus to the nearby monastery of one of the last great Tang dynasty Chan masters, Yun-men. Yun-men was known for his pithy “one word” Zen. When asked “What is the highest teaching of the Buddha?” he replied: “An appropriate statement.” On another occasion, he answered: “Cake.” I admired his directness.

~ Stephen Batchelor

Stephen Batchelor Buddhism Humour Inspirational Zen

I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother

~ George R.r. Martin

George R.r. Martin Humour

The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.

~ Susan Sontag

Susan Sontag Humour Photography Pornography

I have been seeing dragons again.Last night, hunched on a beaver dam,one held a body like a badly held cocktail;his tail, keeping the beat of a waltz,sent a morse of ripples to my canoe.They are not richly brightbut muted like dawnsor the vague sheen on a fly's wing.Their old flesh drags in foldsas they drop into grey pools,strain behind a tree.Finally the others saw one today, trapped,tangled in our badminton net.The minute eyes shuddered deep in the creased facewhile his throat, strangely fierce, stretchedto release an extinct burning inside:pathetic loud whispers as four of usand the excited spaniel surrounded him.

~ Michael Ondaatje

Michael Ondaatje Domestic Life Humour Magic Realism Mythical Beasts

Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.

~ Sharon Kay Penman

Sharon Kay Penman Humour

She opened her mouth, clamped it shut again. This was new, this sudden favor shown Gloucester, had been brought back with him from Burgundy like some malevolent foreign pox.

~ Sharon Kay Penman

Sharon Kay Penman Humour

I left the warehouse at 8.00am. I don't believe in 8.00am. It exists, though. 8.00am is incontrovertible evidence that evil dwells in the world.

~ Andrew Masterson

Andrew Masterson Evil Humour Mornings

Why couldn't Rachel be a little more specific about the type of person she was? Goodness knew; if she were a hippie I'd talk to her about her drug experiences, the zodiac, tarot cards. If she were left-wing I'd look miserable, hate Greece, and eat baked beans straight from the tin. If she were the sporty type I'd play her at... chess and backgammon and things.

~ Martin Amis

Martin Amis Humour Sport
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