Humour Quotes

I suppose there are some advantages to this place,' he admitted. 'I bet it's fucking raining in Stirling.

~ Christopher Brookmyre

In a mounting panic the samnite hefted his rifle and delivered a blast straight to Skullhammer's chest, point blank. Once again, torment and debilitation failed to ensue. 'Well, this is awkward,' said Juno.

~ Christopher Brookmyre

He leans back in his seat. His legs are spread and his head tipped back, with his eyes challenging me. “Okay what’s next, boss?”I shudder theatrically. “I see why you like it. Just the word makes me feel all powerful.

~ Lily Morton

They passed a couple of guys making a bronze windup toy. At least that’s what it looked like. It was a six-inch-tall centaur—half man, half horse—armed with a miniature bow. One of the campers cranked the centaur’s tail, and it whirred to life. It galloped across the table, yelling, “Die, mosquito! Die, mosquito!” and shooting everything in sight.

~ Rick Riordan

Hmph. Yes. Him. He had the nerve to turn down our offer of immortality and tell us to pay better attention to our children. Er, no offense.” “Oh, how could I take offense? Please, go on ignoring me.

~ Rick Riordan

It is said Barking dogs seldom bite.......Unfortunately many dogs do not know this proverb!

~ Ankala Subbarao

Here’s another big symbol,” she says, still crouched and looking up at me. “These flowers will be rotten in a couple hours. Birds will crap on them. The smoke here will make them stink, and tomorrow a bulldozer will probably run over them, but for right now they are so beautiful.

~ Chuck Palaniuk

So…we’ll start by boasting, will we? Just like old times! Very well, demigod.

~ Rick Riordan

Much has been written on the excellence of bats' navigation equipment. It is all false. Tropical bats spend their entire time flying into obstacles with a horrible thudding noise. They specialize in slamming into walls and falling, fluttering onto your face. As my own 'piece of equipment essential for the field' I would strongly recommend a tennis racket; it is devastatingly effective in clearing a room of bats.

~ Nigel Barley

Charlotte Richmond says of herself: “I have few ladylike accomplishments. I cannot sing, I cannot draw, I cannot play the pianoforte or the harp and I cannot produce delicately beautiful embroideries. Sadly, the ability to do quantities of mending, to cook a good plain dinner and to shoot a marauding crocodile as I once did, is not appreciated in Polite Society.

~ Nicola Slade

University of Life. Year One - Advance Adventure Playgrounds. Part One Exam - go to the Third World and survive. No revision, interest, intellect or sensitivity required.

~ William Sutcliffe

Should I get you a shovel so youcan dig that hole a little deeper?

~ Rick Riordan

I think you're a shit,’ said Keith sharply. ‘I think much of what you’ve done this season is shit and I think what you've put everyone involved with this club through is shit. How’s that?

~ Dougie Brimson

I want to reply with a long message, but if it's too long, that might be kind of revolting. But if it's too short, then I might come off as cold instead. Feeling apprehensive of what to do, I decided to reply back with a similar word count instead. This was what they called mirroring in psychology. By emulating the actions of the other party, your affection levels would increase!

~ Hachiman Hikigaya

O beautiful, to make escapeAnd leave this world behind.Had I to stay another dayI'd lose my fucking mind!

~ Gregory Maguire

You honkies want women to be like cookies, all sweet and dainty and easy to eat. But I'm fry bread, you bitch, and I'm proud of it.

~ Eden Robinson

Without inquiring too deeply into the causes which make it possible to find subjects of gaiety always close at hand, the proof of that possibility can be found in the fact that persons of sensitive intelligence are capable of finding comic potentialities in everything and everybody, thereby demonstrating that if some people hold the belief that there is very little that is laughable in the world, the reason is that they lack the ability to find it.

~ Marcel Proust

The first two tracks were pop songs from the 1970s, sung in Danish in a style that was best described as Abba without joy.

~ Claire North

To imagine that I was pleased would have been an understatement, if I was a dog, my tail would be wagging my arse off.

~ Gary Edward Gedall

Please let's change subject, as despite the alliteration, I don't think Politics and Puddings go together.

~ J.e. Allen

She's so the same and yet so the incomparable!

~ Pritam Banikk

I love you. I trust you and... I want to be your human canvas!

~ Angela Gascoigne

The tedious never die, that's what makes them tedious.

~ Gregory Maguire

Nice! There's no fun in nice. I'll be myself and you'll all love me for it.

~ J.e. Allen

The men worked hard and faithfully. As a rule, in spite of the number of rough characters among them, they behaved very well. One night a few of them went on a spree, and proceeded to paint San Antonio red. One was captured by the city authorities, and we had to leave him behind us in jail. The others we dealt with ourselves, in a way that prevented a repetition of the occurrence.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

I had this teacher who kept telling me that if I was ever in a fair fight, someone had made a mistake,” she said

~ Jim Butcher

Sir Hamish Graham has many of the qualities & most of the failings that result from being born to a middle-class Scottish family. He was well educated, hard working & honest, while at the same time being narrow-minded, uncompromising & proud.

~ Jeffrey Archer

Well we certainly don't want to see that kind of thing,’ admonished Jeff Stelling. ‘Did it calm down?’‘No,’ shouted Kamara. ‘It got worse. The police were just getting involved when the chairman was hit by a pie thrown from the crowd.’‘Was he injured?’ asked Stelling, struggling to suppress a giggle.‘I don’t think so,’ laughed Kamara. ‘He sat down and started eating it!

~ Dougie Brimson

Oh really?’ said Mayes raising a mocking eyebrow which put Rob in mind of a poor man’s Roger Moore. ‘And what on earth makes you think that you of all people would be allowed anywhere near our board meeting? Rob’s smile widened as he realised that he was about to have one of those golden bombshell moments of the type he’d been on the receiving end of all too frequently over the last few days. ‘Because Mr. Mayes, I’m your new chairman.

~ Dougie Brimson

Jane turned and looked at Rob who was still staring into space with a crazed look on his face. ‘Are you listening to this?’ she said as she thumped him on the arm. Rob turned to her and broke into a broad grin. ‘Listening to what?’ he laughed. ‘I’m loaded. I don’t have to listen to anything!’‘Yes you do,’ said England calmly. ‘You have to listen very carefully.

~ Dougie Brimson

A game?’ Rob spluttered. ‘A bloody game?’ He turned to face his father. ‘This is your bloody fault! I’m living your bloody karma!

~ Dougie Brimson

You see football isn’t just about 90 minutes, it‘s about passion and, yes, if you like, about life. We men will do things under the umbrella of football fandom that we would never dream of doing in any other sphere of life, and within the pages that follow I will try and explain why.

~ Dougie Brimson

I always enjoy the day after a hangover. Each time it happens, it’s my own little victory over the demon drink.

~ Dougie Brimson

One of the things about football fans in general is that they all think that they’re the same. But they are not. This is a myth put about by people who wish that they were the same as the geezers. There are, in fact, a number of distinctive types of supporter, and although they all have a role to play, they are all very different indeed.

~ Dougie Brimson

Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door.

~ Dougie Brimson

Time travel is complicated, or so we think, since we have not yet managed to actually figure out how to do it.

~ Serena Yates

Snow stepped forward and slapped Josette, who slapped her back. Emmaline dropped the spoon and slapped them both - she had never slapped her child, or any child, before that moment. It happened so quickly - like a scene choreographed by the Three Stooges, which was what saved it. Emmaline started crying, then Snow. The three of them clung together.I want to cut off my hand, wept Emmaline. I never slapped you girls before.We should each cut our hands off, wailed Snow.Then making frybread two of us will have to stand together, you know, like each use our remaining hand, pat, pat. Josette and Snow demonstrated.Pat, pat, how pitiful, cry-laughed Emmaline.

~ Louise Erdrich

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

~ Stephen Chbosky

I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe, God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America.

~ Peter Ackroyd

the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirror on every page

~ Peter Ackroyd