Humour Quotes

the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirrored on every page

~ Peter Ackroyd

One can forgive Shakespeare anything, except one's own bad lines.

~ Peter Ackroyd

Some drink to forget, I drink to remember. I drink in order to understand what I mean and to discover what I know. Under its benign influence all the stories and dramas which properly belong to the sphere of art are announced by me in conversation.

~ Peter Ackroyd

absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.

~ Peter Ackroyd

He responded with one of those looks of pity and amusement I was by now so used to getting, the kind that implied not only was my fly undone, but that there was nothing to see even if it was.

~ Viet Thanh Nguyen

Hungry party-goers?! Diabolical!

~ Simon Dean

Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?

~ Anissa Rafeh

It’s hard to tell sometimes if Etheny’s stories are true, as you will see, so I will lay down the story as she told it to me to allow you to decide for yourself.

~ E L Parfitt

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?

~ Charlie Higson

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

~ Winston Groom

It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks.

~ Winston Groom

There are only three rules in life. Traffic is real, Fire Burns and You Cannot Fly

~ Unknown

I couldn't possibly repeat the words he used .They were so unsettling that I sent Nancy indoors to find my spectacles.

~ John Bude

How do I look? he asked.Barret grinned. Old.Moog glanced over appraisingly. Tired.Gabriel snorted a laugh. Fuck you guys.

~ Nicholas Eames

They’d tried to diagnose him but there was no apparent medical explanation for his behaviour. He was just what his mum called ‘away with the fairies’ and Max called ‘a bit of a lost cunt.

~ Eve Dangerfield

He wasn’t a pretty boy, his nose was crooked and his grin lopsided, but he had that square-jawed, salt-of-the-earth handsome look that made a girl think of loose-hipped cowboys and demanding Scottish Lairds. And speaking of Scottish Lairds, old mate was a redhead. Usually gingers weren’t her scene but this guy’s hair was the rich coppery-auburn of a fox's pelt. It gleamed like rose gold under the floodlights, his short beard the exact colour as the stuff on his head. Big Red was doing it for her. Big time. And apparently, the feeling was mutual.

~ Eve Dangerfield

There's only one thing to do in crisis like this - SLEEP ON IT!Garfield, the cat.

~ Jim Davis

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it upand extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

~ Terry Pratchett

Youir're doing this wrong.

~ Will Advise

Everybody means by an open mind, a mind which contains their prejudices but not somebody else's.

~ John Oulton Wisdom

No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.

~ Jessica Khoury

He laughs. No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Eio swings the string of fruit back and forth. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.My mouth freezes in mid-bite, and I stare at him. You're teasing me.A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. Maybe.

~ Jessica Khoury

It's never a good day when an ancient demon shows up on your toilet bowl.

~ Angie Fox

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father

~ Robert Rankin

Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marry one of them.

~ Kyril Bonfiglioli

Aye, it could', Ian added. 'It's many a time when I've walked alone on the misty moors of Scotland, the fog creeping in, the waves pounding against the shore, and then the lone, eerie call of a dead chicken. Caaa-cluck. Caaa-cluck

~ Terri Reid

The night before, a whole day could have shape and design. But when it was upon you, it could vanish tragically to air.

~ Lorrie Moore

Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us?

~ Irvine Welsh

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.

~ Mark Twain

There’s always an opportunity to fish for something – even if it’s just for laughs or ideas.

~ Fennel Hudson

I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said W

~ Ursula Vernon

Just answer the questions so I can get the fuck out of this backwards shithole before I start wanting to root a goat and marry my own brother.

~ Jd Nixon

Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t think they even knew how! A human being who needs food to live but cannot prepare that food to eat? Pathetic. In this case, it was an advantage. They weren’t interested in any food until it had been cooked for them.

~ Nnedi Okorafor

I only come out for food.

~ Blair Holden

Queen Bee hates me. I know, as I reach the door, that nothing good waits for me on the other side. When you're called to see the Commanding Officer, you're either getting a medal or a kick in the arse.And I'm not getting any medals.

~ John Owen Theobald

The store was empty, without a single customer or employee. It appeared in the Internet age, pianos, like physical books, were fast becoming culturally extinct. They’d probably stay that way unless Apple invented the iPiano, which fit inside your pocket and could be mastered via text message. With the iPiano, anyone can be an iMozart. Then, you could compose your own iRequiem for your own iFuneral attended by millions of your iFriends who iLoved you.

~ Marisha Pessl

Let me say this: being an idiot is no box of chocolates. People laugh, lose patience, treat you shabby. Now they say folks supposed to be kind to the afflicted, but let me tell you this - it ain't always that way. Even so, I got no complaints, cause I reckon I done live a pretty interesting life, so to speak.

~ Winston Groom

Maybe that’s why God made childbirth so painful, so that when your life is wrecked by children you know it could be worse.

~ J.t. Lawrence

Company, you see - company is - is - it's a very different thing from solitude - an't it?

~ Charles Dickens

There’s a saying in Hardorn,” she continued. “‘You shouldn’t attempt to teach a goat to sing. It will waste your time, hurt your ears, and annoy the goat.’ I can say without fear of contradiction that the goat is getting annoyed.

~ Mercedes Lackey