Humour Quotes

Mr Gray didn't care much for Jonesy's body (or so he told himself; in truth it was hard not to feel at least some affection for something capable of providing such unexpected pleasures as 'bacon' and 'murder'), but it did have to take him another couple of hundred miles.

~ Stephen King

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

~ Sebastien De Castell

@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.

~ Jenn Bennett

This is two romantic things in a row, so I figure I should praise him accordingly, because the boy responds well to positive reinforcement.

~ Jenny Han

I stared in awe at the Lincoln Memorial. If Honest Abe had come to life and somehow managed to lift his bony twenty-three-foot, four-inch frame from his throne, what would he say? What would he do? Would he break-dance? Would he pitch pennies against the curbside? Would he read the paper and see that the Union he saved was now a dysfunctional plutocracy, that the people he freed were now slaves to rhythm, rap, and predatory lending, and that today his skill set would be better suited to the basketball court than the White House?

~ Paul Beatty

Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible option that is not leaving you looking diabolical at funeral?Oh, for the love of God.

~ Lucy Holliday

When Montmorency meets a cat, the whole street knows about it; and there is enough bad language wasted in ten seconds to last an ordinarily respectable man all his life, with care.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

If we followed our feelings all the time we´d be like cats chasin´ their tails.

~ Harper Lee

Och, away now, Ruari. You'll be telling us you're not knowing who that woman is next! Man, man, that's an awful affliction.” A grey-bristled, weather-beaten face beamed back at him.“And isn't it you that's making the drives in her car at the dead of night, too?” A female voice joined in from behind the sweets jars: “Oh my, Ruari ... 'tis a terrible thing the guilt of the carnal pleasures!”“I haven't had any carnal pleasures ... I simply got a lift home. You're terrible, right enough,” he defended himself.

~ Robertson Tait

I got married. A bright past is ahead of me!

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

I order six shots.I drink the first shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha for 120 seconds.I drink the second shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha and our love for 90 seconds.I drink the third shot with lemon and talk about future plans with wedding for 60 seconds.I drink the fourth and blabber for 30 seconds.I drink the fifth, I speak in a language no one can understand for ten seconds or less. I fall down.When I open my eyes, I see Diwa helping me sit in the car and put on the seat belt. I am knocked out.

~ Saravana Kumar Murugan

I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!'Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!''Thought I might like to be set right?''No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!

~ Georgette Heyer

I must own, too, that I can't be astonished at his being vexed to death over this business. It is excessively awkward! However, he doesn't lay the blame for that at my door: you mustn't think that!I should think not indeed! exclaimed Anthea between amusement and indignation. How could he possibly do so?No, very true, my love! agreed Mrs Darracott. I thought that myself, but it did put me on the fidgets when Richmond said he wanted to see me, because in general, you know, things I never even heard about turn out to be my fault.

~ Georgette Heyer

People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.

~ Michael Redmond

There is a difference between right and wrong, always was and always will be, but each man's wrong and each man's right are different.

~ Peter Matthiessen

Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox, and don't make any conscious effort to improve it... One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you're maybe a little bit ashamed of your shot ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of pre-meditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed. Make yourself a solemn promise right now that you'll never use 'emolument' when you mean 'tip' and you'll never say 'John stopped long enough to perform an act of excretion' when you mean 'John stopped long enough to take a shit'. If you believe 'take a shit' would be considered offensive or inappropriate by your audience, feel free to say 'John stopped long enough to move his bowels'...

~ Stephen King

He cleared his throat. “You need to pick a safe word.”“What on earth is a safe word?”He smothered a sigh. This was proving to be more work than he thought it’d be. “It’s a word you use when you want things to stop.”“How about I use the word ‘stop’?” She sounded sarcastic.“That’s not how it works. You need a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex.”“Fine. How about ‘dumbass’?”“I don’t think you’re getting into the spirit of this.”“Really? You think?”“Fine. Dumbass it is.” There was no dealing with her when she was in this mood. “If you use your safe word, everything stops.”“Good.” She took a deep breath. “Dumbass,” she shouted.Andrew wasn’t sure what to do next. This was not going the way it did in the books.

~ Janet Elizabeth Henderson

A femme fatale and a warrior princess.

~ Cassandra Clare

Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to give it no rest in return.

~ Christopher Hitchens

Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them.

~ A.h. Septimius

The last thing he wanted was to see the bright, shining, happy faces of the other angels up there.

~ Joel Crofoot

Or that time she made a snowman in Britt-Marie and Kent’s garden right under their balcony and dressed it up in grown-up clothes so it looked as if a person had fallen from the roof.

~ Fredrik Backman

I remembered a friend of mine dying from AIDS, and while he was visiting his family on the coast for the last time, he was seated in the grass during a picnic to which dozens of family members were invited. He looked up from his fried chicken and said, I just want to die with a big dick in my mouth.

~ David Wojnarowicz

Those who can, teach; those who can't, criticize.

~ Dan Hokstad

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I stood in the corridor feeling like an angry pebble. It didn't matter where I rolled off to. The mystery and treachery of the world continued, and a pebble like me could get angry over anything it liked and it wouldn't do any good. Librarians not reading, I thought to myself. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

~ Lemony Snicket

Colourful lips are pretty, child but they also speak colourful lies.

~ J. Limbu

All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!

~ Gareth Reynolds

There are no bees on the moon

~ Thabiso Monkoe

The dressmakers have just arrived from Shylon; they are coming here to display their goods.’‘Really, that’s lovely.’‘I was wondering if I could have some money, please.’ ‘What’s the point in having your own money if you’re just going to spend mine?’ ‘Yeah, but the amount of dresses I’m planning to buy, I might not have enough.’ ‘Then buy an amount you can afford.’ Ratilla responded bearing an expression of incredulity. ‘Oh Rat.’ Tizi said as she pouted, conjuring a mournful expression. ‘I just want to look pretty, what will they say if the wife of the Imperial Chancellor is clothed in rags? I’m only trying to play my part as the wife of the great Ratilla.’ Tizi said, her eyes full of misery, as Ratilla shook his head and chuckled.

~ A.h. Septimius

If they succeed, you will not be packed off to some idyllic farm, where you can write bad poetry, we will both be executed.

~ A.h. Septimius

You’ll slip up, just like everyone else who tries to mess with the British Empire. They all get it wrong somehow – forget some detail, make some tiny error, invade Russia – and then it’s all downhill from there.

~ Toby Frost

He then, with great presence of mind, put a stop to any further recriminations by kissing her; and his indignant betrothed, apparently feeling that he was too deeply sunk in depravity to be reclaimable, abandoned (for the time being, at all events) any further attempt to bring him to a sense of his iniquity.

~ Georgette Heyer

Remember you’re all representing your country, and you ought to behave as the Empire does.’ ‘So we can kill and loot at will, steal their goods and claim the planet as our own?’ Suruk said.

~ Toby Frost

...weak of spine and flaccid of upper lip.

~ Toby Frost

People get the wrong idea. I blame science-fiction writers, personally. It annoys me how they confuse the whole robot issue. I tell you, if I met that Asimov bloke, I’d harm him, or at least through inaction allow him to come to harm.

~ Toby Frost

But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!It's because of the one C, sarge! said Polly, still staring straight ahead. And that is? Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!

~ Terry Pratchett

Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.

~ Terry Deary

It was a sweet smile, but it hid menace, like the kind dentists gave.

~ Andy Paine

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking!

~ Ilze Falb