Humour Quotes

Nina was about to snap that she didn't appreciate the sarcasm when she saw the expression on his face. He looked like someone had just given him a tuba full of puppies.

~ Leigh Bardugo

So I’m there, surrounded by all these young and old girls who are obviously in season and I don’t know what to do.”The trained psychologist cleared his throat, his brows raised.“Girls… in season?” he questioned dubiously.“Yeah… and they’re all backing up to me and I just know that if I let them fall pregnant the boss’ll kill me, but I’m stuck.”“Umm… what exactly are we talking about?”“My dream: me holding the teaser and all the clients’ expensive mares-”“Oh! So these are horses. Tell me, what’s a teaser?

~ Christine Meunier

Moons have passed since last we met, battles fought and enemies fallen. At the bridge of Anrag I took fifteen heads. I overthrew the tyrant Dagrud War-Scythe and took his cattle as tribute to my skill. It was a glorious day.’ ‘Sounds pretty wild. I’m having a new patio put down. You and me both, eh?’ ‘Square slabs or crazy paving?’ ‘Square slabs.

~ Toby Frost

Mary was bigger than Laura, and she had a rag doll named Nettie. Laura had only a corncob wrapped in a handkerchief, but it was a good doll. It was named Susan. It wasn't Susan's fault that she was only a corncob.Sometimes Mary let Laura hold Nettie, but she only did it when Susan couldn't see.

~ Laura Ingalls Wilder

Some of them screamed. Some of them wept. Some of them grinned like LSD was a blast. A case officer said John Stanton hatched the idea - lets flood Cuba with this shit before we invade. Langley co-signed the brainstorm. Langley embellished it: Let's induce mass hallucinations and stage the second coming of Christ!!!! Langley found some suicidal actors. Langley dolled them up to look like J.C. Langley had them set to pre-invade Cuba concurrent with the dope saturation. Peter howled. The case officer said, 'It's not funny.' A drug-zorched peon whipped out his wang and jacked off.

~ James Ellroy

Tom began screaming, and I wondered if the baby's soft brain was, in this moment, changing shape in response to the violent stimuli. I tried to intellectualize the noise to protect the baby's psyche. I whispered: Isn't that interesting to hear a man scream? Doesn't that challenge our stereotypes of what men can do? And then I tried, Shhhhhhhhh.

~ Miranda July

The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually melancholy expression in to a joke. The clown is used to loss. Loss is his prologue.

~ John Berger

Now according to German logic, a declaration of war was found to be unnecessary because of imaginary bombings

~ Barbara W. Tuchman

I switched to wine – for better or worse and carried over – rather shuffled back to the table with an overflowing pint of ‘Jimmie Crickets Finest Burning Bum Bitter,’ or words to that effect. Is there such a thing as one-word bitter anymore? ‘Sgt Stiffies Severed Nippy.’ ‘Hair Of The Bastard Dog That Bit Me.’ ‘The Devils Own Salty Piss.’ I’ve never had a pallet for bitter. I was mainly a girly-drink-drunk.

~ Daniel Bashford

My face is rather like a collision waiting to happen: head-on I can be borne, but turn sideways, and it is all calamity.

~ Michelle Franklin

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

~ Karl Pilkington

I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

~ Karl Pilkington

Well, the drums gave me headaches, the sunlight flashing on my armor cooked me up like harvest day, and those magnificent destriers shit everywhere.

~ George R.r. Martin

Beware the ideas of March... just one little letter changes the whole meaning. I love the way worms can do that.

~ Alan Dapre

He was cold, standing in a wood, talking to a big black bird who was currently brunching on Bambi.

~ Neil Gaiman

.....it's hard to describe a psychosoteric battle at close quarters..... Think of those tennis-ball firing machines, but loaded with hand-grenades trapped in a shipping container, on a ship caught in a force-ten gale.

~ David Mitchell

This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory.

~ Neil Gaiman

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

~ Bill Hicks

We need our goats!” I yelled.I waded through the crowd until I reached our chariot. I grabbed Otis’s face and pressed my forehead against his.“Testing,” I whispered. “Is this goat on? Thor, can you hear me?”“You have beautiful eyes,” Otis told me.

~ Rick Riordan

There is, perhaps, no greater hardship at present inflicted on mankind in civilised and free countries than the necessity of listening to sermons.

~ Anthony Trollope

Mozart,” Julie says in a bitter chuckle, staring at the speaker. “It’s supposed to be the pinnacle of art, right? This transcendent human achievement? And we use it for background noise in bathrooms. We literally shit on it.

~ Isaac Marion

You were in the trunk while they —”This time, Gentry closed his eyes.“Please. I’m going to have flashbacks. I don’t want flashbacks.”Sophie couldn’t contain their amusement any longer and broke out into laughter.“Odette, you naughty girl!”“I didn’t know he was back there!” She didn’t turn around. Odette didn’t want to see the look on Sophie’s face.“If I did, I wouldn’t have climbed into Keahi’s lap in the first place!”“Okay!,” Gentry said. “I don’t need visuals, either.

~ Tovaley B. Kysel

Now, my sister has been called a lot of things:sweet, kind, a living Disney princess, but none of those things imply that she would ever date someone just for his money.

~ Bernie Su

You could’ve turned the air conditioning on!” Evaline said from down the hall.“Oh! You let Sophie turn the AC on but I can’t!” Paisley shouted back.“You’re surrounded by spirits! You should be cold enough!” - Evaline

~ Tovaley B. Kysel

Focke's razor: Never attribute to plot holes that which is adequately explained by miracles.

~ Kevin Focke

Civilization must be preserved,' says he.'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.

~ Joanna Russ

It is 32c today, and the only thing keeping me from hanging myself is the small sense of relief Iglean from attaching my body to the vents of my delicious cooling piece. It is a stunning unit,exquisite in all its forms, exceptional in its application, and effective in all its functions. I wouldmarry it, if only I knew it would not die on me sometime within the next five years. Appliances,like obedient children or silent extroverts, cannot last forever, and while my unbidden affectionkept my other air conditioner alive for the better part of ten years, not all inanimate objects canbe fueled by my love.

~ Michelle Franklin

(When told that he is a drunk) My dear, you are ugly; but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

~ Winston Churchill

Why are you wailing away? What is the matter with you?”“I was playing and—“ and her lip quivered as she spoke, “—and it was cloudy, and then—“ a sniff, “—and then, as I was playing, the sun came out.”I gave her a flat look. “You’re crying because the sun came out?”“Yes,” she moped, wiping the tears from her eyes, “the sun came out, and now—“ she heaved, “—and now, it’s hot! I don’t like it when it’s hot. Being hot is dumb!”I immediately absolved her of all previous sins. I slumped over the sill and gave her as much sympathy as my now warm face allowed. “Yes, child, being hot is very dumb indeed. Very well, you have a reason for crying. But then why are you outside?”“Because it was too hot inside and mommy won’t let me have ice cream.”“Well, there is your problem. You must get an air conditioner and a new mother.

~ Michelle Franklin

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who sweat the small stuff, and those who have the balls not to.

~ The Gang

... I've a thirst on me I wouldn't sell for half a crown.- Give it a name, citizen, says Joe.- Wine of the country, says he.- What's yours? says Joe.- Ditto MacAnaspey, says I.- Three pints, Terry, says Joe. And how's the old heart, citizen? says he.

~ James Joyce

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

~ Prashant Yadav

Wow, that is so deep.'He meant it, of course.'You're really real,' he added breathily. 'Say something else.'I decided he wasn't worth punching, and walked away.

~ Claire North

All Chelsea's internet dates were gorgeous. Until she met them.

~ Jojo Moyes

When an artist friend of mine explained she was working her way up the creative ladder, I asked if she would kindly paint the front of my house on the way up.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Last time I was on the welcome Wagon, I was holding some guy by the balls for 15 minutes while the inspector explained why should leave (Birmingham) and go home... It were really painful.I bet it was.'Yeah I got terrible cramp in me fingers, but he were very attentive.

~ Jim Mcgrath

She had a face that had had lived a thousand stories and none with a happy ending.

~ Jim Mcgrath

A word can change a mind. A sentence can change a life. A book can change the world.

~ Tom Kane

They were like animals, men. They found too much eye contact threatening.

~ Jojo Moyes

Steerpike of the Many Problems,” said the Doctor. “What did you say they were? My memory is so very untrustworthy. It’s as fickle as a fox. Ask me to name the third lateral bloodvessel from the extremity of my index finger that runs east to west when I lie on my face at sundown, or the percentage of chalk to be found in the knuckles of an average spinster in her fifty-seventh year, ha, ha, ha! – or even ask me, my dear boy, to give details of the pulse rate of frogs two minutes before they die of scabies – these things are no tax upon my memory, ha, ha, ha! But ask me to remember exactly what you said you problems were, a minute ago, and you will find that my memory has forsaken me utterly. Now why is that, my dear Master Steerpike, why is that?”“Because I never mentioned them,” said Steerpike.“That accounts for it,” said Prunesquallor. “That, no doubt, accounts for it.

~ Mervyn Peake