Humour Quotes

Almost anyone who loves tennis and follows the men’s tour on television has, over the last few years, had what might be termed Federer Moments. These are times, watching the young Swiss at play, when the jaw drops and eyes protrude and sounds are made that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re OK.

~ David Foster Wallace

Everyone is a raconteur without realizing it. We speak to our friends, we speak to our doctors and therapists about the nothing-meaning nonsense that goes on in our lives, but the difference in telling a story and complaining about the ills of one’s life is in the delivery. We can talk about how someone slighted you at work, or we can talk about how that person looked when they promptly fell down the stairs a moment after disdaining you. There, you see, is the difference: people will often notice the main but not the nuance; they will notice the face of the person yelling at them and the pitch of their shouts, but will not notice the comfort that the ululations of agony and twisted limbs lying on the bottom stile can promise.

~ Michelle Franklin

I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities, I only wishthey would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen isanything else, it transfers haploid male genetic material and sullies the bedclothes unmercifully.

~ Michelle Franklin

She started naming the fish. 'Loppy, Troppy, Hoppy, Soppy, Boppy, Floppy, Moppy and Roppy.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

Books are an absolute necessity. I always have at least two with me wherever I go, to say nothing of my digital collection, and whenever I can get my hands on a delicious new reading piece, I will finish it at a slackened pace, to savour it with all the esteem it deserves, gratulating in its pleasance, deliciating in every word with ardent affection. I have an extensive library that I could never do without, and there are at least four books decorating every surface in my house. A table is not properly set without a book to furnish it. Half of my great collection is non-fiction, mostly science and history books, ranging from the archaeological to the agricultural, and my fiction section is dedicated to the classics, mostly books published before the world forgot about exquisite prose. I have all the greats in hardcover, but I do not read those: hardcover is for smelling and touching only. For all my favourite authors, I have reading copies, which I might take with me anywhere, to read in cafes or to be used as a swatting tool for unwanted visitors, but books are always fashionable even as ornaments; everyone likes a reader, for a good collection of books betrays a intellectualism that is becoming at anytime. Never succumb to the friable wills of those who reject the majesty of books: there is nothing so repelling as willful illiteracy.

~ Michelle Franklin

Is he always like that?' Sandra asked.'Well, he lives his life courting different girls week and after week and being incredibly successful, so you're pretty much giving him a run for his money,' he said with a wink at Janis.'Not my cup of tea,' Janis answered.'And I can't admire you even more,' Jared grinned.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

The kangaroo has a double penis - one for week days and one for holidays.

~ Henry Miller

Some people never go crazy. Me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch for 3 or 4 days. They'll find me there. It's Cherub, they'll say, and they pour wine down my throat rub my chest sprinkle me with oils. Then, I'll rise with a roar, rant, rage - curse them and the universe as I send them scattering over the lawn. I'll feel much better, sit down to toast and eggs, hum a little tune, Suddenly become as lovable as a pink overfed whale. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

~ Charles Bukowski

There are others who have strange eyes?' I asked, perking up.Kester suddenly wished he hadn't spoken. 'Well, not as distinctive as you. No one actually has purple ones. Shades of green and blue are sometimes too bright than normal, but I don't recall anyone having eyes like y

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.''Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

Ryan shrugged. 'Maybe. Come on, break a smile and introduce yourself. I don't bite.''Stay out of my way,' she said, and before she could turn around, Ryan grabbed her arm.She flashed him a murderous look.'Are you tough, Stay Out Of My Way?' he said airily.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

Where are you from?''Studland.'Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene?'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?''Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny.'As in studs?' she chuckled.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

I really am a unicorn?' I asked again.'You think Janis and I escaped from an asylum, don't you?' she teased.'I hope you're not,' I said, horrified at the thought of being turned into a lunatic like them.

~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

We are off! And do we know it, not just because the world is yelling Lift-off in our ears, but because the seats of our pants tell us so! Trust your instruments, not your body, the modern pilot is always told, but this beast is best felt. Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Michael Collins

When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that life is so strange.

~ George Mikes

When Jan was called up to service a fourth time...my mother waited outside...the two of them were convinced that this time Jan would have to go, that they would surely send him off to cure his ailing chest in the air of France, famed for its iron and lead content.

~ Günter Grass

Three times Jan had been called to the colours (the army), but each time had been deferred because of his deplorable physical condition..when every male who could stand halfway erect was being shipped to Verdun to undergo a radical change in posture from the vertical to the eternal horizontal

~ Günter Grass

Gregor was a real drinker..he didn't drink because he was sad..(or) cheerful. He drank because he was a thorough man, who like to get to the bottom of things, of bottles as well as everything else.

~ Günter Grass

Why should I ignore them? In my own house? Spiteful snobs! I’ve appalling taste, do I? I’m skeletal, am I? Anyone would look skeletal next to them. They are both starting to look like porkers! As soon as I go down, I’m going to mention it. I’m going to particularly point out Isolde’s thunder thighs. I suppose it’s appalling good taste to display them in such tight jeans. I’m going to ask how she even got into those pants without splitting the seams.

~ Sonal Panse

I don’t remember the whole thing, because it was very long, but Atticus recited it for me once, and there was a line that went like this: “Cry ham hock and let slip the hogs of war!” I know you might not agree, but for me that was the best thing Shakespeare ever wrote.You mean, “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war” from Julius Caesar?No, I don’t think that’s it. There was ham in there; I’m sure he was talking about ham. They were going to battle hunger.I think you might have been hungry when you heard it, Oberon.

~ Kevin Hearne

In my desperation to try to lull myself into a gentle sloom, I have created a list of things that will often assist my descent into delicious treacle-sleep. The list includes a series of things I can do if I go to bed and wake up early, and includes things like playing games and reading books, but one item that continually seems to work is telling myself:The faster I go to sleep, the faster I can have cookies for breakfast.This idea might seem rudimentary, but it staves off the sulks long enough that I can find a few hours of sleep, even on the hottest of days. If only Biscuit Power worked for other insomniacs, cookies might save humanity from itself.

~ Michelle Franklin

His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality.

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

~ Tim Shipman

Long pants,’ she said rather too fiercely to Andy when he came out of his room wearing shorts. ‘Long pants.’ She herded him back towards his door. ‘These people are from head office. These people are from Melbourne.’ And she emphasised Melbourne as if that should have been all he needed to know.‘Melbourne people vomit if they see knees,’ I told him, and he said, ‘Why is that kind of information never part of the briefing?

~ Nick Earls

Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish woman worth the trouble of handing her a cup of tea.

~ Walter Scott

One understands then why woman has no sexual parts, properly speaking. It is because she is herself a sexual part - a sexual part of man, to cumbersome for him to carry around permanently and therefore deposited outside himself for most of the time and taken up when needed. Moreover the quality that distinguishes man from animals is this very power of equipping himself at any moment with an instrument, tool or arm that he needs, but that he can get rid of straight away, whereas the lobster has to drag his two pincers about with him everywhere. And just as mans hand is a sort of grappling hook that enables him to grasp a hammer, sword or fountain pen according to his needs, so his sex is the sort of grappling hook of the sexual parts rather than the sexual part itslef.

~ Michel Tournier

Like all shrinks she was a deeply troubled person.From Fat Jimmy And The Blind Ballerina due out early 2017.

~ Eddie Owens

In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now.

~ David Foster Wallace

I am naked, wrapped up in a dragon that should be a prince, I don't know how much of my crew is dead, and those mermaids could return at any time. Would somebody please say something that makes sense?

~ Megan Derr

There was a time when I fancied myself as a barrister but it takes years to qualify and even then you can end up earning less than $10,000 a day. So when I saw an advertisement for a course to become a barista I decided to settle for that.

~ Michael Mcgirr

Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.

~ Terry Pratchett

Maybe people do like wine. It's not as nice as just eating the grapes, but it's okay.

~ Ben Brooks

The word mortgage originates in French. it literally means 'death grip'.

~ Michael Mcgirr

There's no point asking dogs about their dreams because sleeping dogs lie.

~ Michael Mcgirr

Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.

~ Miguel Queah

I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces? Some preachers will say, well, that is superstitious claptrap. My answer is this: Preacher, go to your Bible and read Luke 8: 26-33

~ Charles Portis

[On setting all clocks at varying times in advance...]A selfless gesture on my part which ensures I am never late, but really only means that I spend time waiting not only for people who are late but also for people who are on time.

~ Jon Richardson

Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet.

~ Michael Mcgirr

And new physical problems are arising almost daily. I'm getting problems from a painful trapped nerve in my shoulder, where my rucksack strap has been pinching it, and I can't straighten my arm above shoulder level - soon I will be limping like Richard III. By now my back is covered with eczema, the result of a perpetually sodden shirt and rucksack pressed against it day after day in this heat. In one place my pack has rubbed a painful hole in my skin through the eczema; carrying my rucksack was unpleasant before, but now it is purgatory. This eczema must be partly due to eating bad food for so long - I never had this problem at home. I'm expecting my teeth and hair to start falling out before long, and I've got more or less a permanent acid indigestion from eating so much junk. Week after week I've lived on lukewarm Coca-Cola, stale buns and doughnuts, slurps, green bananas, powdered milk and far too many cigarettes. With all the rubbishy food and sugar soft drinks I've been consuming, I'll see the east coast through a hypoglycaemic haze.

~ Fran Sandham

Oh, to be the author of prison letters. It's a young girl's dream come true.

~ Jenny B. Jones