Humour Quotes

...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

~ George Gordon Byron

And yet methinks the older that one growsInclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

~ George Gordon Byron

You know, I once read a book about people who practiced polygamy. One man with several wives. Crazy. I was just in a room with eight very unhappy woman and I have no idea why anyone would choose that.

~ Kiera Cass

You can’t possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk.” Meg’s smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.

~ Cari Hunter

The entire time Albie followed Beverly around the house doing what the children referred to as “the stripper soundtra

~ Ann Patchett

Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision.

~ Dave Eggers

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast

~ Oscar Wilde

This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be the perfect time to disembark.

~ Douglas Adams

At least I'm honest about being a liar

~ Taherah Mafi

When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the others guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win!Conversations aren't contests!Ok, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.

~ Bill Watterson

Talking of snakes, Mrs. Montgomery told me that once she nearly stood upon a krait - one of the most venomous snakes in India. She has been very ill at the time, suffering from acute facial neuralgia, 'so that I didn't care if I trod on fifty kraits. I was quite stupid with pain, and was going back in the evening to my bungalow, preceded by a servant who was carrying a lamp. Suddenly he stopped and said Krait, Mem-sahib! - but I was far too ill to notice what he was saying, and went straight on, and the krait was lying right in the middle of the path! The servant did a thing absolutely without precedent in India - he touched me! - he put hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. My shoe came off and I stopped. Of course if he hadn't done that I should have undoubtedly have been killed; but I didn't like it all the same same, and got rid of him soon after.

~ J.r. Ackerley

In the bazaar today I noticed a shopkeeper sitting cross-legged on the platform of his shop making up his ledger. A common sight - but there was something wrong, I could not at first see what. Then I understood: what was his heavy ledge resting on? It was lying open before him, on his stomach, but unsupported by his free hand, not resting against his knees. What on earth was propping it up?The problem teased my mind so much that I had to retrace my steps for another look. There he was, comfortably scribbling away in the large ledger, which was standing up, apparently unsupported, in his lap. Then, as I stared, he closed it, and got to his feet - and the mystery was explained. He had elephantiasis of the scrotum, and had been utilising this huge football of tissue as a book-rest.

~ J.r. Ackerley

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . .

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Don't tell the guys at Trinity Broadcast Network, but financial prosperity is not the primary indicator of God's blessing. Think back to the garden. What was the greatest blessing that God gave to Adam and Eve? The greatest blessing was living in God's very presence, knowing him, and worshipping him.

~ Chris Bruno

He was the guy who always won the game of chicken because his opponents suspected he might actually enjoy a head-on collision.

~ Michael Lewis

This bullet can go straight through the couch.He was right. Fuck Ikea for making such flimsy furniture.

~ Karina Halle

His words reminded me of something else I’d meant to bring up when he got back to town, something that had taken a very low priority. “Your coat—you never took it back after the wedding. It’s in my car.”He waved dismissively “Keep it. I’ve got others.”“What am I going to do with a wool coat?” I asked. “Especially here in Palm Springs?”“Sleep with it,” he suggested. “Think of me.”I put my hands on my hips and tried to stare him down, which wasn’t easy since he was so tall. That, and because his words suddenly returned me to the disorienting feeling I’d had sitting on his bed. “You said you weren’t going to bring up any romantic stuff around me.”“Was that romantic?” he asked. “I was just making the suggestion, since the coat’s so heavy and warm. I figured you’d think of me since it was such a nice gesture. And yet, once again, you’re the one who finds romantic subtext in everything I say.”“I do not. You know that’s not what I meant.”He shook his head in mock sympathy. “I tell you, Sage. Sometimes I think I’m the one who needs to take out the restraining order on you.”“Adrian!

~ Richelle Meadelle

It’s so nice to see you again,” he said. He spoke as though it had been a while, and I nodded in agreement. As I’d assured Stanton, Adrian knew too much familiarity between us might create a trail back to Jill. “Did I just hear you two talking about building good relationships?”I was tongue-tied, so Ian answered. “That’s right. We’re here to make things friendlier between our people.” His voice, however, was most decidedly unfriendly.Adrian nodded with all seriousness, like he hadn’t noticed Ian’s hostility. “I think it’s a great idea. And I thought of something that would be an excellent gesture of our future together.” Adrian’s expression was innocent, but there was a mischievous sparkle in his eye that I “knew all too well. He held out his hand to me. “Would you like to dance?

~ Richelle Mead

For the next century, no elf is to be banished to the human world. No more Star Wars, no more Harry Potter, no more Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and no more body-doubling for Tom Cruise. Elves shouldn't be treated like shit. We're not Mexicans.

~ Adam Millard

Tell me, Peppone, what other talents do you have besides erasing undesirables?” “I enjoy a fair bit of sneaking, sir. I also enjoy pilfering and killing as a professional courtesy.” “What a delightfully horrid urchin you are.” “Thank you, sir.

~ Michelle Franklin

He pointed at the caiques, but Peppone declined the librarian’s offer, saying only, “Do you think the proprietor of the inn where we met will report us?” “The money I left him was more than enough to silence his alarms,” said Danaco. “Gold has an amazing habit of altering memories.

~ Michelle Franklin

He discovered in his heart the first faint whispering of pure Christianity, and in some way he continued to keep his virtue intact by keeping his vices active.

~ Thorne Smith

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not 100% committed to your Oreo diet.

~ Becky Albertalli

I don't think you have talent!! But... I guess Fuuka will do.I have no choice!

~ Kiyohiko Azuma

Anubis is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead for their journeys through Denver International Airport to the afterlife. He is usually portrayed as being half human and half jackal, and holding a metal detector in his hand ... Anubis is employed by the Department of Homeland Security to examine the hearts of all travellers to make sure they have not exceeded the weight limit for psychological baggage ... He is also shown frisking mummies and confiscating firearms and other contraband. It doesn't take much to tip the scales in favour of a dead body cavity search or an afterlifetime travel ban.

~ Stephen Moles

It's easier to get philosophers to agree than clocks.

~ Seneca

Never worry if you’re excluded from the circle, sometimes it’s full of squares.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

~ Benny Bellamacina

You can’t fight if you’re drunk,” she n

~ Thaddeus White

The elf was armed with a bow, a sword, and an overwhelming sense of his own importance.

~ Thaddeus White

He ate with all the restraint of a nymphomaniac at an orgy.

~ Thaddeus White

You like it in jail?It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

~ Raymond Chandler

You like it in jail?It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

~ Raymond Chandler

Swearing is a currency the countryside spends well.

~ Michelle Franklin

A golden dragon. Splendid. My life expectancy has just become shorter than a gnome’s todger.

~ Thaddeus White

If I wanted a life of chastity I’d live with my wife.

~ Thaddeus White

You like it in jail?''It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

~ Raymond Chandler

I may not hate al of the people all the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

~ Kathy Mccullough

I may not hate all of the people all of the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

~ Kathy Mccullough

If you're dealing with a pack of werewolves I'll jump in without hesitation, but I was not getting in the middle of a pack of crazed shoppers on Black Friday

~ James R. Tuck