Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.
~ Melvin Helitzer
As one cat said to another: Birthdays are like fur balls - the more you have the more you gag.
~ Maria Morgan
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
~ Woody Allen
She's not pushing forty she's dragging it.
~ Anonymous
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
~ Robert Orben
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
~ Joan Rivers
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.
~ Dan Bennett
For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday and he still forgot to bring me something.
~ Tanya Noe
The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back but you don't know how far.
What can you say when your husband says: 'You can't expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older.
~ Toni Anderson
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
~ Phyllis Diller
Pushing fifty is exercise enough.
After thirty a body has a mind of its own.
~ Bette Midler
Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.
~ Lotus Weinstock
My health is good it's my age that's bad.
~ Roy Acuff
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
~ George Burns
Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
~ Abigail Van Buren
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
~ Brian Morgan
Sometimes I feel that I'm not just aging . . . I'm decomposing.
~ Fletcher Anderson
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her like a banknote for two twenties.
~ Douglas Jerrold
Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
~ Bennett Cerf
It's a sobering thought: When Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.
~ Tom Lehrer
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
When I think of my dad as a little boy I tend to think of him in black and white.
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
~ Doris Day
I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.
~ Bob Hope
The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always asked to do things and you are not yet decrepit enough to turn them down.
~ T. S. Eliot
It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
I'm sixty-five but if there were fifteen months in every year I'd only be forty-eight.
~ James Thurber
Try to accept each other for what you are and don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose - and his ears.
~ Peg Bundy
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
~ Mark Twain
Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.
~ Laurence J. Peter
There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure.
~ Dennis Wolfberg
Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.
~ Ogden Nash
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
~ E. Joseph Cossman
Actually being sixty-five isn't so bad. As a matter of fact I rather like being called a sexagenarian. At this time of life it sounds like flattery.
~ James Humes
Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places.
~ Ben Klitzner
The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.
~ Sophie Tucker
I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
People who have the most birthdays live the longest.
~ Jean Bucher
