Humor Quotes

… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

~ Steve Toltz

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

~ Bauvard

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

~ Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

~ Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

~ Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming the words, the what could have been beautiful words.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.

~ Nicole Mckay

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

~ Eugene Mirman

well I believe in commitment it's just I, you know, I don't stick to it.

~ Jim Lewis

One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I'm the one rejecting her. The next, she's got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can't even ask her the simplest questions.And here I was assuming you didn't care about her.Stabbing his fingers through his hair, he groaned, I don't!And you make it perfectly clear. Men. Idiots.

~ Jenny Trout

North is a powerful man, and you're still connected to him. Flo frowned. Probably sexual memory, those Capricorns are insatiable. Well, you know. Sea Goat. And of course, you're a Fish. You'll end up back in bed with him.Andie slammed the car door. You know what I'd like for Christmas, Flo? Boundaries. You can gift me early if you'd like.

~ Jennifer Crusie

The clerk is looking at me. His expression hasn't changed. What I want to do is punch a hole in the front of the desk, reach through, grab his balls, and make him sing The Mickey Mouse Club song. But these days, I'm working on the theory that killing everyone I don't like might be counterproductive. I'm learning to use my indoor voice like a big boy, so I smile back at the clerk.

~ Richard Kadrey

You want him praising the Lord in the morning, you put a smile on his face tonight.

~ Mark Gungor

These guys may not talk too much about relationships, but they sure do blush at telling moments, don’t they? Maybe that’s the key to understanding the opposite sex; I could invent a science, call it blushology.

~ Jody Gehrman

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. 


~ Dora J. Arod

I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return.

~ Amy Manemann

Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

~ Sacha Baron Cohen

I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. “Of course it’s a dream,” I thought. “The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

There's a cover for every pot, but I've never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. - Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

~ Alisa Steinberg

For better or for worse, but not for lunch,...

~ Abigail Thomas

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin

~ Bauvard

I couldn't take much more of this. Being the object two men competed for wasn't as glamorous as it sounded in the movies. The two men who both wanted one hundred percent of my time weren't dashing, international playboys. They were undead and surprisingly immature, considering the youngest was just over a hundred years old.

~ Jenny Trout

Mom has the Touch. She knows what flowers go with what occasions, what hors d'oeuvres work with what people. She believes passionately in the power of food to heal, restore, and stimulate relationships, and she has built a following of loyal customers who really hope she's right. If she's wrong, says Sonia, no one wants to know.

~ Joan Bauer

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.


~ Dora J. Arod

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.


~ Dora J. Arod

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If a boy doesn't respect his mother...run!

~ Tracy Yates

We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

~ Criss Jami

LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

~ Oscar Wilde

Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!''A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt?

~ Sara Zarr

Cáel sighed. “Look, right now? Either you want Rose, or you don’t. If you do—and, quite frankly, it’s obvious to me that you do—then give the woman a break and give yourself some credit for not being a whack job. Women are strange creatures, Gray, and she isn’t a mind reader. Who the hell knows what kind of conclusions she’s drawn over your behavior? Shit or get off the pot.” your advice on love? ‘Shit or get off the pot’?

~ Riley Shane

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

~ Jenny Trout

Can I have a glass of water? Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.

~ Jenny Trout

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. 


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you—all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn’t think so either. 


~ Dora J. Arod