Humor Quotes

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.No, wait… In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection.

~ Dianna Hardy

Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living.

~ Mark Haddon

Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows.We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows.I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here.I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line.He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out.I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper.

~ Nicole Hamlett

I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.I juggled two pressing needs:1) Protect the nethers.2) Leer

~ B. Justin Shier

I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, Who? What? Where? (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)

~ B. Justin Shier

It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words Oh shit! in eleven different languages.

~ John Biggins

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

~ Jefferson Smith

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

~ G.k. Chesterton

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

~ Jefferson Smith

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of smell had been much keener, no doubt a side effect of a strict diet. Maybe he got a whiff of Mabel's finest, he wasn't sure, but a craving came over him. Suddenly, he had to have something to eat. Suddenly, he wanted to snatch the bag from Kendall, rip open a package, and start gnawing on a fruitcake.

~ John Grisham

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

~ Honeya

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that says something about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.

~ Charlie Brooker

- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

~ William Shakespeare

I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

~ Pete Sortwell

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

~ Oscar Wilde

I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel.

~ John Biggins

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

~ Joshua Donellan

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

~ Joshua Donellan

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?

~ Benny Bellamacina

He leaned in for a sniff. 'Smells like a horse's arse! I've got Ian!' -'No sniffing allowed! We never discussed sniffing! I cry foul!' Ian was outraged. 'I'm not giving you a shilling!' -'Give him a shilling! It's not his fault you smell like a horse's arse!

~ Julie Anne Long

How did you . . . pass the time?’ Sunday asked. ‘You couldn’t just ching out of it, could you?’‘We had a different form of chinging,’ Eunice said. ‘An earlier type of virtual-reality technology, much more robust and completely unaffected by time lag. You may have heard of it. We called it “reading”.

~ Alastair Reynolds

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

~ Elizabeth Sharp

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother’s house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste.

~ Robert Clear

[a]nd the Pig Man came in from Waitomo and swore that if Louisa didn't marry him he'd damn well vote Labour at the next ele

~ Ruth Park

The announcer, in milky tones, rolled out the commercial; it was all about some sort of washing powder that made laundry days a mere frolic in the backyard

~ Ruth Park

Lucas took a tentative sip of his coffee. It tasted like an otter had pissed in a tea urn and it had been left to go stale over a prolonged period.

~ Adam Maxwell

If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.”“My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on,” said Simon. “Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?

~ Seanan Mcguire

Wolfe still paid no attention to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect him to, since he was busy taking exercise. He had recently got the impression he weighed too much- which was about the same as if the Atlantic Ocean had decided it was too wet...

~ Rex Stout

Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?

~ Anissa Rafeh

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

~ Winston Groom

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father

~ Robert Rankin

I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said W

~ Ursula Vernon

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

~ Sebastien De Castell

I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!'Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!''Thought I might like to be set right?''No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!

~ Georgette Heyer

I must own, too, that I can't be astonished at his being vexed to death over this business. It is excessively awkward! However, he doesn't lay the blame for that at my door: you mustn't think that!I should think not indeed! exclaimed Anthea between amusement and indignation. How could he possibly do so?No, very true, my love! agreed Mrs Darracott. I thought that myself, but it did put me on the fidgets when Richmond said he wanted to see me, because in general, you know, things I never even heard about turn out to be my fault.

~ Georgette Heyer

All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!

~ Gareth Reynolds

You were in the trunk while they —”This time, Gentry closed his eyes.“Please. I’m going to have flashbacks. I don’t want flashbacks.”Sophie couldn’t contain their amusement any longer and broke out into laughter.“Odette, you naughty girl!”“I didn’t know he was back there!” She didn’t turn around. Odette didn’t want to see the look on Sophie’s face.“If I did, I wouldn’t have climbed into Keahi’s lap in the first place!”“Okay!,” Gentry said. “I don’t need visuals, either.

~ Tovaley B. Kysel

Now, my sister has been called a lot of things:sweet, kind, a living Disney princess, but none of those things imply that she would ever date someone just for his money.

~ Bernie Su