Humor Quotes

You could’ve turned the air conditioning on!” Evaline said from down the hall.“Oh! You let Sophie turn the AC on but I can’t!” Paisley shouted back.“You’re surrounded by spirits! You should be cold enough!” - Evaline

~ Tovaley B. Kysel

Civilization must be preserved,' says he.'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.

~ Joanna Russ

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

~ Prashant Yadav

In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now.

~ David Foster Wallace

You can’t possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk.” Meg’s smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.

~ Cari Hunter

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . .

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Anubis is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead for their journeys through Denver International Airport to the afterlife. He is usually portrayed as being half human and half jackal, and holding a metal detector in his hand ... Anubis is employed by the Department of Homeland Security to examine the hearts of all travellers to make sure they have not exceeded the weight limit for psychological baggage ... He is also shown frisking mummies and confiscating firearms and other contraband. It doesn't take much to tip the scales in favour of a dead body cavity search or an afterlifetime travel ban.

~ Stephen Moles

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing than that, who on earth could convince them otherwise ?

~ Alex Morritt

C is for coffee. Coffee would always be there for her.

~ Cassandra O'leary

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

~ David Eddings

Laugh and the world laughs with you.Fart and you're on your own.

~ Peter James West

You only get one life.Too bad you already made a mess of it.

~ Peter James West

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . .

~ Terry Pratchett

You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections.

~ May Sinclair

The bullets are gun-eggs,” Collingswood said to Baron, looking at Vardy. Farmers squeezing their holy metal beasts to percussive climax, fertilisation by cordite expulsion, violent ovipositors. Seeking warm places full of nutrients, protecting baby guns deep in the bone cages, until they hatched.

~ China Miéville

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

~ F.d. Lee

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

~ Nicholas Sparks

One minute he stood transfixed, the next he uttered a crushing oath, and took a hasty stride forward. Mr Ringwood, recovering from his own stupefaction, closed with him, just as George, flushing vividly, sprang to his

~ Georgette Heyer

There isn’t anything I can tell you that you don’t already know,” Melly answered.“Yes, but if we already know it then you’re not telling us anything new,” Bea said, thinking her way through the carriages of fear on the witch’s train of thought, “and if we don’t tell you what we know and what we don’t know, then you won’t know if you’ve actually told us something we don’t know, and what you don’t know we don’t know won’t hurt you.”Melly stared at Bea, her cigarette hanging from her lip in defeat.“Did that make sense?” Joan asked.“Yes,” Melly said slowly, “but it probably shouldn’t have done.

~ F.d. Lee

There are a number of rules that should be observed when one meets royalty, ranging from what one can say and when, to where one should stand, when one can sit, even where one should look. Sindy bobbed a nervous curtsy and, before being introduced, blurted out an invitation to come inside whilst looking John directly in the eye.

~ F.d. Lee

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We seldom look up to the person, we usually look up to their persona.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Humor quote from classy quote