Humor Quotes

My phone started to vibrate and I flipped it open. Yes, I'm the only person that doesn't have an iPhone.The phone talked to me. Jackson, how’s it going?Hi, Echo. Veeva Stackpoole’s here.Silence. What does she want?Well, at first she wanted me to run away with her and get a lot of plastic surgery - Oooo, can I come too? she said. I love Echo so much.Hey, Veeva, Echo wants to come. Is that okay?Veeva sneered and said, Asshole...Echo it doesn’t look like we’re going to go now. Veeva doesn’t want to.

~ Dan Ahearn

At night all cats are grey.

~ George Orwell

The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents’ wedding.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?

~ David Bischoff

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

~ Sloane Crosley

Max replies, Why the fuck n- Oh man, are you gettin' lucky?I quickly do up Asher's jeans and stand. Max bursts into laughter when he sees my head ascend and chuckles, Shit, guys. Warn a brother. Did you at least finish?Ash smiles big fluffling my hair, I tell Max, I never start something I don't plan to finish.Ash wraps his arm around me and Max shakes his head. He says, Well if you two don't mind, I think I'm gonna make this a blowjob free zone from now on.

~ Belle Aurora

You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to get into my metaphysical pants.

~ Allison Pang

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez-- talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

~ E.l. James

Elise hid her face in his shoulder, embarassed, Kane! What will they think? She whispered against his neck.That we're newly bonded and I can't keep my hands off of my lovely mate. And sure enough, the good natured calls that accompanied them across the yard left her in no doubt that the others were thinking exactly that.

~ Nicky Charles

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

~ Stanisław Jerzy Lec

She tips back her head and howls: Moooooown! Oh wonderful moooooowwwwwyyyn!

~ Carol Emshwiller

I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy.

~ Genereux Philip

After each of his books, the writer, for a while, feels once again that he can now die happy.

~ Criss Jami

Happier'n young'uns bustin' outta school fer summer break!

~ K.d. Harp

Life never be serious with you it always make fun of you so learn to have fun.

~ Siddhant R. Shinde

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

~ James Thurber

Tiny GigglesSilly giggles of laughterI store upon a shelfI give some to otherI save some for myselfI am rich beyond all measureThough not with worldly wealthI store up these treasuresFor my heart and soulful health.

~ Muse

Lollypop...the passion contained merely kissesplaced upon lips, neck and cheekthese young lovers of the castleof which our fairytale speaks...

~ Muse

I Love You! Three words that mean nothing if not followed through with actions. It seems to be more relevant in the terms of showing verses saying. Anyone can say it, because there are different kinds of love. But, few are willing to actually show it. Saying is one thing. Living proof is another.

~ Amaka Imani Nkosazana

I pray this new year will be greater, smooth and brings best aroma to our smelling, normal burning for toothpicks, blue colours for great celebration, unlimited joy from nw, then and beyound in JESUS name ★FEYIKOGBON★

~ Oladosu Feyikogbon

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy and the make the most of where you are.

~ Germany Kent

You are the light of the world. Shine brightly. Smile beautifully! Rejoice daily!

~ Brenda M. Mcgraw

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

~ Shannon L. Alder

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

~ Shannon L. Alder

If we are saved by grace alone, this salvation is a constant source of amazed delight. Nothing is mundane or matter-of-fact about our lives. It is a miracle we are Christians, and the gospel, which creates bold humility, should give us a far deeper sense of humour and joy. We don't take ourselves seriously, and we are full of hope for the world.

~ Timothy J. Keller

Trust is not hoping your partner will love you, it is KNOWING that they DO.

~ Julieanne O'connor

Jealousy is not a result of love. It is a result of crossed relationship boundaries. Love and relationships should not be confused.

~ Julieanne O'connor

No mountain is too high, but so many people can't climb even a hill. There is always a way to the top, but so many people can't even get the mid and many miss the way. Life is real and the journey of life comes with rules. Mind the real and distinctive rules that lead to success and you shall get to the very peak of the mountain of success surmounting all barriers, challenges and puzzles along the journey to success with a great degree of ease!

~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

We can never skip growing old. As we grow older, we understand old things and things of old times better!

~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Step ahead immediately and do what you have to do before it's too late.

~ Moutasem Algharati

The sun doesn’t live in England, it comes here on holiday when we’re all at work.

~ Benny Bellamacina

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

~ Amit Kalantri

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] 'Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!'Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: 'My Fifteen-Year-Old's in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us' or 'My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and is in a Center for Youthful Offenders.

~ Celia Rivenbark

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

~ Leo Rosten

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

~ Dave Barry

...that was Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things to Have a Funner LIfe and Make a Better Liar Out of Yourself Number 83...If a Adult Tells You Not to Worry, and You Weren't Worried Before, You Better Hurry Up and Start 'Cause You're Already Running Late.

~ Christopher Paul Curtis

You and I both know that love is for children,'' he said. ''We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.''''Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,'' Teresa replied. ''Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do -- you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove.

~ Jodi Picoult