Humor Quotes

This is a work of fiction, and the people in it are fictitious. The ghosts are real.

~ Nathaniel Benchley

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

~ Cassia Leo

Then maybe you’ll believe me when I say…you’re pretty fucking special, Laney Hill.

~ Cassia Leo

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in.

~ Cassia Leo

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

~ Cassia Leo

Normal life is presentable. In normal life, you clean up the kitchen and keep your balcony tidy and take care of your children. It's hard work--harder than one might think.

~ Fredrik Backman

My cat has been Petrified.I want to see some punishment!

~ Argus Flich

Can you even have human nature if you don’t have the capacity to feel?” I ask. “Do you mean on some kind of existentialist ‘what are we if not the things we feel’ kind of way?” I don’t know what he means by existentialist. I say as much. He laughs. I entertain the idea of stabbing him for several minutes.

~ Ellis Adler

When you come to a detour, take it.

~ Jack Dancer

A delightfully droll look at how the other half lives from a pet pooch's point of view.

~ Kam Williams

You scared the crap out of me,” I shove his bare chest with a growl. “Wasthat you at the front door?”“Ya think?” He fires back with a raise of his eyebrows, taking hold of my armagain, as he practically drags me back toward the front entry.“Did it occur to you to say something?” I shoot back with a scowl. “I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.

~ M.a. George

Do not mess with this man's threads!

~ Graeme Simsion

You can thank Henry Ford for that. He was a warlock, you know.

~ Ian Richards

I’ve been working on something that merges rap with classical…. I call it Baby’s Got Bach.

~ Michael Larocca

She forgot: it was as simple as that. She just loved being with the guy. Possibly enough that not even their own wedding could screw it up.

~ Tim Farrington

I was so drunk I couldn't tell a vagina from a bullet hole

~ Andrés Aloi

Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not. Ramone Ramone, 2013

~ Thomas Dekooning

Why not?

~ Howard Feigenbaum

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

~ Mark Jackman

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.

~ Mark Jackman

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen, when in an uncharacteristic error of judgement he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

~ Mark Jackman

The marks we leave are too often scars.

~ John Green

Pain is an inevitable part when you truly love.

~ Vinsfortin

My whore of a brother has done it again. Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess. I think I hate him. Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.

~ Yelle Hughes

Lucy: I don't feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.James: You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume.

~ Kristen Tracy

Unintended jealousy is merciless.

~ Doctor Kesi

My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.

~ Ted Gargiulo

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn’t purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that old flames never die, not completely. They smolder for years in hidden places. They flare up again just when you think you’re over them. They can burn you if you don’t deal with them. Such is the price I’ve had to pay for not rooting out the evidence of my life B.C. (Before Contentment). Or, perhaps, for having planted it too well. But that, you see, is no longer an issue. Shall I tell you the crux of this argument? A man with a past can be forgiven. A man without one cannot be trusted. If there were no pictures in my drawer for Kirsty to uncover, I would have had to produce some.

~ Ted Gargiulo

Procuring the house in Ballister was a desperate bid for respect, for recognition, the ultimate gesture (or sacrifice, as it turned out) that would prove him a worthy successor to the Flo and Walter Prices of the world. To my mind, the Culver was Norm’s way home, the only way he knew. It was an ever-evolving means to an ever-evolving end that eventually ended him. Who or what led Norm down that thorny path—devotion, economic pressures, family cynicism, Beth’s insatiable appetite—has been a topic of endless debate. You can believe what you want to believe. Personally, I don’t think any rational argument under the sun would have deterred Beth’s “messiah” from his mission. If the Ballister acquisition was Norm’s cross, as everyone seems to think it was, then it was Norm who chose to bear that cross. And pride that nailed him to it.

~ Ted Gargiulo

Picture this broad: 22 going on 18. Half the guys in my class would have given their left testicle to date her. This cupcake is the guidance counselor the principal has assigned me. Miss Boyle is her name. We all call her “Miss Bubbly Water.” Imagine the teasing I have to endure from my friends. Not to mention what it’s like, sitting across from this Barbie Doll every Thursday afternoon, watching her cross and uncross her legs, while she’s lecturing me about—get this: “staying focused.” Right! My pants are on fire, and she’s handing me a crash course in Psych 101!

~ Ted Gargiulo

My motto? Don’t trust someone who is just as cagey as yourself. What kind of detective are you?” “A lousy one and proud of it. I write, remember?” She looked down at her hand & laughed. “Berretta doesn’t make lighters.” Why I was a writer! My life revolved around fiction. I could make something upShe looked down at her hand & laughed. “Berretta doesn’t make lighters.” So they're not Tolstoy, they're a little shorter...Okay, okay a lot. Go ahead, read my mystery series anyway. A detective has their boundaries especially me. So mine shifted occasionally...okay a lot “Beat it, Buster. My temper and this mace have a hair trigger.”“Interference could be lethal.” I got right up in his face, hissing, “Don’t push me, I’m hormonal.”I'm not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges.

~ Peggy A. Edelheit

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

~ Shomprakash Sinha Roy

I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.

~ Kristine Cuevas

There was a certain amount of initial argumentation about the meaning of the balloon; this subsided, because we have learned not to insist on meanings, and they are rarely even looked for now, except in cases involving the simplest, safest phenomena.

~ Donald Barthelme

Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it’s yet t’be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin’ position with a pineapple, a wad of cash and his favourite pig, Buttercup.

~ Elias Zapple

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

~ Erica Sehyun Song

Can you imagine how many people got laid in here? Abby said, walking to the other side of the Jacuzzi.

~ J.c. Joranco

I did the only thing I could. I said the dumbest thing any man has ever said to a woman, “Yeah, it’s just me and my trash can here,” as I patted its lid and started pushing it up the driveway.

~ Amanda Hamm

I went to say no, but I winced as I pulled my tooth out of my lip.I was absolutely hopeless. In a two minute period my front curls hadstarted to go straight due to my constant brushing them behind my earsand I was pretty sure my lip was bleeding. Frustrated I pushed myself off ofthe couch with a huff and walked around the glass coffee table to head forthe kitchen.“I've made you angry.”“No.”Darren got up and cut me off in the middle of the room. “Yes, I did.You're angry with me.”“No, not with you.”“Then what's wrong?”“I'm angry with myself.

~ Kaitlin Scott