Humor Quotes

When Your Smile At Someone's Misery, Its Does Not Shows Your Tolerance. Its Reveals lack of Tears For Feeling.

~ Yaganesh Derasari

If someone's a racist, punch them in the mouth so they will be sadder, and therefore less likely to stereotype. (Even if Fargas's theory is flawed, on the upside, at least you've punched a racist in the mouth.)

~ Jeff Wilser

But there are not two laws, that was the next thing I thought I understood, not two laws, one for the healthy, another for the sick, but one only to which all must bow, rich and poor, young and old, happy and sad. He was eloquent. I pointed out that I was not sad. That was a mistake. Your papers, he said, I knew it a moment later. Not at all, I said, not at all. Your papers! he cried. Ah my papers.

~ Samuel Beckett

pain demands to be felt..

~ Jasneet

The simple trill of her laugh has not declined over the years, if anything it's been buffeted by her endless sorrows and disappointments.

~ Gary Shteyngart

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

~ Chelsea Handler

We laugh, that we may not cry.

~ Roger Ebert

Happiness does not create humor. There's nothing funny about being happy. Sadness creates humor. Krazy Kat getting hit on the head by a brick from Ignatz Mouse is funny. All the sad things happening to Charlie Chaplin are funny. It's funny because it's not happening to us.

~ Charles M. Schulz

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.

~ Janet Evanovich

I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out.

~ Neil Gaiman

Similar to theory of relativity, view towards life changes with passage of time!

~ Malik Pommy

Hope is a cancer. One of two things happens. Either you never learn the truth, in which case it gnaws down to the bone until there's nothing left, or worse, you do, and you go through that windshield at ninety because hope told you it was okay to make the drive without a seat belt.

~ Matthew Fitzsimmons

I'm a writer. I write stuff.

~ Kevin J.j. Carpenter

When life stops you making progress, don't see it as a step backwards.Think of it as doing the Moonwalk.

~ Ben Chapman

Life is short unless agony is long.

~ Brian Spellman

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

~ Brian Spellman

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This doesn’t mean that I killed somebody, plus I left the other half of the cake for tomorrow, I didn’t finish all of it!

~ Sara Anzellotti

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones...

~ Kelli Russell Agodon

What doesn't kill you makes a good story.

~ Mary Morony

But who is ever fair in an argument?

~ A.b. Shepherd

Keep your head high and your skirt down.

~ Marie Rudisill

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.We need more special effects and dance numbers.

~ Bill Watterson

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was...what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

~ Erin Mccarthy

Do people ever climb the demon towers? Like, for any reason? Aline looked up. Climb the demon towers? She laughed. No, no one ever does that. It's totally illegal, for one thing, and besides, why would you want to? Aline, Isabelle thought, did not have much imagination. She herself could think of lots of reasons why someone might want to climb the demon towers, if only to spit gum down on passerbys below.

~ Cassandra Clare

Why is it, I wonder, that Sigmar felt compelled to burden you with such poor imaginations? Very well. Judicate me, if you can.

~ David Guymer

She held up the pen and gave him a lazy grin. It's a rose.He came close. It's a pen. He tried to pluck it from her hand.You are seriously lacking in imagination.

~ Ronie Kendig

Laughter and imagination can overcome any ill-felt sensations.

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Everything you can imagine,is real.

~ Sujayendra

Writing a story is like ruling the world. Except it's even better. How many rulers out there that you know can tell people what they say?

~ Vanillacreampie8888

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious)

~ John Irving

He imagines Owens' body dotted with saltwater reservoirs just below the skin. An entire wetland, populated with tiny fish and birds, thriving in his agitation. A species of dwarf crocodile lazing beside an artery.

~ Lisa Lang

My imagination was running amok again. Twice in one night. This never happens when I’m sitting in front of a typewriter.

~ Gary Reilly

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?

~ Terry Pratchett

I used to give X-ray vision a lot of thought because I couldn’t see how it could work. I mean, if you could see through people’s clothing, then surely you would also see through their skin and right into their bodies. You would see blood vessels, pulsing organs, food being digested and pushed through coils of bowel, and much else of a gross and undesirable nature. Even if you could somehow confine your X-rays to rosy epidermis, any body you gazed at wouldn’t be in an appealing natural state, but would be compressed and distorted by unseen foundation garments. The breasts, for one thing, would be oddly constrained and hefted, basketed within an unseen bra, rather than relaxed and nicely jiggly. It wouldn’t be satisfactory at all—or at least not nearly satisfactory enough. Which is why it was necessary to perfect ThunderVision™, a laserlike gaze that allowed me to strip away undergarments without damaging skin or outer clothing. That ThunderVision, stepped up a grade and focused more intensely, could also be used as a powerful weapon to vaporize irritating people was a pleasing but entirely incidental benefit.

~ Bill Bryson

Friends don't menace friends with giant terrifying swords, okay?

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

After an awkward pause, Bast extended his hand. Chronicler hesitated for a bare moment before reaching out quickly, as if he were sticking his hand into a fire. Nothing happened, both of them seemed moderately surprised.Amazing, isn't it? Kvothe addressed them bitingly. Five fingers and flesh with blood beneath. One could almost believe that on the other end of that hand lay a person of some sort.

~ Patrick Rothfuss

Here's to our enduring sisterhood. May it bind us together more tightly that the Lycra in my Spanx underpants.

~ Susan Mcbride

You need a place just a click over middle range. Don’t want to go all-out first time, but you don’t want to run on the cheap either. You want atmosphere, but not stuffy. A nice established place.”“Bob, you’re going to give me an ulcer.”“This is all ammunition, Cart. All ammo. You want to be able to order a nice bottle of wine. Oh, and after dinner, if she says how she doesn’t want dessert, you suggest she pick one and you’ll split it. Women love that. Sharing dessert’s sexy. Do not go on and on about your job over dinner. Certain death. Get her to talk about hers, and what she likes to do. Then—”“Should I be writing this down?

~ Nora Roberts

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

~ Julia Quinn

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!

~ Tim Hawkins