Humor Quotes

We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

~ George W. Bush

I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it.

~ Hugh Laurie

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen.... We believed you. Because that's what friends do.pg267 October to Vlad

~ Heather Brewer

I'd rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends who secretly hated me. (spoken by Massie Block)

~ Lisi Harrison

If someone breaks your best friend's heart, you should break their face

~ Abby Shanley

Aleks opened his mouth to reassure his friend when he heard something that chilled him to the bone.“Aleksander Aaron Arkadion! What in the hell is wrong with you! Why are you dragging that mangled corpse through town? You traumatized an entire first-grade class on a field trip to the town center,” Ma said, striding up to them pointing down to the body that Aleks still had a hold of.He looked down at the ankle he was holding.“Fuck my life.” Aleks looked behind his ma at the trail of blood heading back to the ice cream parlor.Liam laughed, his arms wrapped around his waist holding his sides.

~ Alanea Alder

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly? asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. The nerve!

~ Mercedes Lackey

He’s more how Satan would look if he needed to seduce you into drowning a baby.

~ Eve Dangerfield

Some of our friends are our friends only because we used to be friends.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Get out of my chair, dillhole!

~ A.a. Milne

I know this sounds very Neanderthal but I want a man that would just take me, ravage me, and do what he pleases with me. I frankly don’t care what he does or how he does it. I just want it to be fucktastic. I want some bodies slamming, head banging, and wild animalistic beastie craze sex. You Jane, me Tarzan kind of sex.

~ Dee Dinh

The thing about friends is, you never know when you might need them. It's always best to keep them imprisoned nearby.

~ Heidi Schulz

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

~ Ryan Lilly

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

~ John Green

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

~ John Green

You’re impossible.” I sighed. “And really weird. No wonder Jared likes you.”“Is that a good thing or not?”I shrugged. “You two have bittersweet panty-dropping connection.”“Gross.

~ Rea Lidde

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

~ Aron Christensen

'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said. 'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.' 'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'

~ Kim Fielding

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn’t you?

~ Michelle M. Pillow

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

~ Benny Bellamacina

Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!

~ Jan Britland

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.''Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

~ Robyn Schneider

Hey, Melissa-is there anything I should know about having this kid that isn't in the books I've been reading?Sunlight streamed through the window, making the golden, hormone-induced mutton chops glisten upon my cheeks. As I waited for her answer, I thumbed through the glossy parenting magazines on her kitchen table.A candle flickered by the sink, adding sweetness to the spit-up scented air that was gutting punched in the face by a diaper change...

~ Kim Bongiorno

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

~ Syrie James

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

~ Addison Mizner

Seeing him jogging at the park had cracked the window so I could peek into his soul. Seeing him with his friends threw the window wide

~ Jennifer Echols

As special as it is to listen to your friends argue over whether or not you have a mental illness,I'm starting to get the urge to go back to class.

~ Kendare Blake

What is the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich, exactly?” Tess asked, pursing her lips. Erin knew it was her attempt at making light of a heavy situation.“You know, just the right amount of jelly where it doesn’t squish out when you bite into it. Not so much peanut butter that you get all goopy-mouthed. Making the perfect PBJ is an art form. And it has to be fresh white bread, and the best grape jelly and creamy peanut butter on the market. No exceptions.”Tess bobbed her head. “Ah, yes. The dreaded goopy mouth.

~ Jenny Lyn

You know, just sit in the corner and glare at him the whole time. See if he crumbles.” “I’ve seen your hard-ass face, Tuck,” Charlie said. “Mostly, you just look constipated. Ford, you’d better do the glaring.

~ Julie James

Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth. It’s a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well. Ones with the courage and moral fiber to persevere. Ones who wield their lip gloss like magic wands when confronted with danger. This way, when you pass through the congested hallways rife with pernicious diversion, you achieve your desired destination—or at least your next class.-CeCee, Lucy and CeCee's How to Survive (and Thrive) in Middle School

~ Kimberly Dana

Have you ever noticed that idiots have a lot of friends? It's just an observation.

~ Markus Zusak

Just for the record, I have come to fear all of your ideas in advance, simply from having endured enough of them.

~ Violet Haberdasher

Choosing friends based on how much money they have is like betting on a horse because you like its saddle.

~ Stephen Smoke

Why don’t we do the whole friends with benefits thing?” he asks seriously.“Because I don’t think I’d enjoy having the benefits you give me removed” I answer back not missing a beat.“Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.

~ R.s. Burnett

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

~ Sinclair Lewis

You know, maybe we don't need enemies.Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.

~ Bill Watterson

Of course, he didn't know anything about these Indonesians, or why they would have been there at this moment to save his life, but the fact that they had guns and weren't firing them at him implied that for the moment, at least, they were his dearest friends.

~ Orson Scott Card

Some men break your heart in two,Some men fawn and flatter,Some men never look at you;And that cleans up the matter.

~ Dorothy Parker