Humor Quotes

I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.

~ Darynda Jones

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid.

~ Katie Macalister

It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.

~ Ian Fleming

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

~ Dave Barry

We assured Phelan that we were more than happy to let him have you and your menagerie,” Leo retorted.“After that, he said he needed to think.”“About what?” Beatrix demanded. “What is there to think about? Why is it taking him so long to make a decision?”“He’s a man, dear,” Amelia explained kindly. “Sustained thinking is very difficult for them.

~ Lisa Kleypas

it never really occurred to her that literary men, if they like women at all, do not want literary women but girls.

~ Muriel Spark

Darlin’, the last time I walked into a mall was two presidents ago.” I stared at him in shock. Then I asked, “Is that even possible?” “I got a dick and I was single so, yeah, it’s possible.

~ Kristen Ashley

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

~ Darynda Jones

Throughout the course of the day, Bobby Tom's irritation over his artificially oiled and dirt-smeared chest and his unzipped jeans had flared into righteous indignation. They were treating him like a sex object! It was damned demeaning, that's what it was, being reduced to a set of oil pecs and a tight ass. Shit. A dozen years in the NFL, and this was what it had all come down to. Pecs and ass.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

...When a man first awakens, it sometimes takes several moments before he starts thinking clearly.And here I thought it took several years, perhaps a lifetime for the average man's intellect to kick in.

~ Karen Marie Moning

Proper handling of a horse like this is no simple matter. He was trained to race, from birth. Not only to race, but to be the best. Once a champion, he was spoiled with attention and permissive handling. Add to that, he's an ungelded male, with a strong natural mating drive. It all adds up to a horse with a mile-wide streak of arrogance, bloody bored out of his mind. Without proper exercise and opportunities to mate, all that aggressive energy festers. He becomes moody, intractable, withdrawn, destructive.Ashworth raised an eyebrow at Bellamy. Is it just me, or is this conversation becoming uncomfortably personal?Spencer fumed. I'm not referring to myself, you ass.

~ Tessa Dare

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can't sit over their wine,they can't play at wist,and they can't pay a lady a compliment.

~ Wilkie Collins

Claude rubs the back of his neck and wrinkles his nose, about to tell me he was never sad. I believe this is called bravado and is not limited to lawyers, or even men, although that combination makes it almost unavoidable.

~ Rachel Hartman

I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.

~ Celia Rivenbark

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Guys don't want women with good taste, guys want women who taste good.

~ Sheryl J. Anderson

Men don't ask other men if they're getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

~ Kate Griffin

Sometimes the way to a man's heart is through his talleywacker.

~ Sabrina Jeffries

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.

~ Keri Arthur

But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep. Now whenever that young man looked he looked like a sheep I take back all is this morning. It is genuine.

~ Agatha Christie

A woman has to look good, but a man—a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough.

~ Meir Shalev

Men, she decided, were a strange, thick-skulled, ball-kicking species no one on earth could have a sensible conversation with.

~ Irma Joubert

Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it by use.

~ Ruth Gordo

Both men accepted that the nature of the request, its intimacy and self-conscious reflection on their friendship, had created, for the moment, an uncomfortable emotional proximity which was best dealt with by their parting without another word.

~ Ian Mcewan

Well,” Lynx said once the man was dead. “That was…uneventful.”“You’re as fickle as an old woman,” Zeus told Lynx. “One minute too much carnage, the next not enough.

~ Shay Rucker

I'm going to write a book about an intelligent woman who does stupid things when it comes to men. I'll call it, My Memoirs.

~ N.m. Silber

Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen.

~ Megan Shepherd

Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Men are frightful nuisances at times, how much simpler life would be if we women did not have to make allowances for their little peculiarities.

~ Elizabeth Peters

When you make things too easy on someone, you’re giving them a discount on your worth; and this causes them to regard you as inferior.

~ K.m.docherty

No one can be your sun, moon, or stars until you have your own world.

~ K.m.docherty

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

~ Camilla Isley

As long as I can remember, male candy eaters have been ill-used, misunderstood, and denigrated, in films and on television, as weak, self-indulgent, soft, effeminate, undisciplined, and venal. Most of us have been driven underground. We eat our candy alone and on the sly. We never experience the intimacy of sharing candy with others—unless we have chosen our mates wisely.

~ Jeffrey Steingarten

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The world is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male.

~ Christopher Moore

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.

~ Richelle Mead

She met a dashing man —he was, a dash.

~ Timothy Joshua

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week if you don’t cheat.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Men. They don't ask for directions, but they'll ask a demon for a favor.-Nina

~ Karen Greco

The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren’t so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool’s libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits.

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm going to treat myself to one of these as a reward for not knocking himself unconscious with a skillet.

~ Nora Roberts