Humor Quotes

It's because his wife left him. That's why he's acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to stay. On his knees! Why are men so embarrassing?Bev

~ Louis Nowra

A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies.

~ Nora Roberts

But what's the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one must either coax or be disagreeable. I scorn to coax men for what I wish. Therefore, I must be disagreeable.

~ Jean Webster

Women rule the world, we just let our men think they do.

~ Prescott Lane

The higher the testosterone, the lower the maturity level.

~ Jennifer Decuir

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.

~ Meeta Ahluwalia

If you have to worry about a man, he's not worth worrying about.

~ Bill Mego

Can't we make a blusterer ourselves? asked Jón Hreggviðsson. Can't we scratch that damned sign with the ax-point onto the chopping block and get a beautiful, chubby woman in here tonight, right now-or preferably three? It was no easy matter to create such a sign, because in order to do so the two men required much greater access to the animal kingdom and the forces of nature than conditions in the dungeon permitted. The sign of the Blusterer is inscribed with a raven's gall on the rust-brown inner side of a bitch's skin, and afterward blood is sprinkled over the skin - blood from a black tomcat whose neck has been cut under a full moon by an unspoiled maiden. Where'd you find an unspoiled maiden to cut a black tomcat's neck asked Jón Hreggviðsson.

~ Halldór Laxness

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait.

~ Dylan Perry

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

~ Starley Ard

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

~ O. Henry

I had a dream about you last night. You set a timer on in the bathroom to prove how long it takes me to get ready. So I shaved your legs, made up your face and gave you lashes. An hour later you thanked God for not making you a woman.

~ Crystal Woods

Women divided by ego and united by gossip ,Men divided by women and united by beer

~ Yash Gupta

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

~ Josh Stern

I see why our little Braith likes you.”“Does she?”“Can’t you tell?”“I’m male. I have no idea what you females are thinking.

~ G.a. Aiken

Finding a proper husband is rather like selecting a hound. They all have more bark than bite, my girl. One day you'll look across the breakfast table and realize the only option is obedience training. -Grandmamma Holmes

~ Emma Jane Holloway

...the word “fine”. As in “I’m fine”, “it’s fine”, “that looks fine”, etc. For a man the word fine has, tops, three or four meanings and that’s only because of the fairly recent edition of “Dang, girl! You look fine!” Otherwise “fine” would range somewhere between satisfactory and of superior quality. For a woman the word “fine” has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean ‘If I’m questioned again I’ll stab you in your sleep’.

~ Aaron Blaylock

The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored.

~ Elizabeth Peters

Emerson has what I believe is called a selective memory. He can recall minute details of particular excavations but is likely to forget where he left his hat.

~ Elizabeth Peters

Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.

~ Elizabeth Peters

If asked for an opinion we’ll say what we think. And by “what we think” I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really that’s what our communication boils down to.

~ Aaron Blaylock

Penn is the brains behind this event. On behalf of my brothers, and all of the kids in the program, I’d like to say thank you.” Neil winked. “It seems that the four of us just can’t function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do.

~ Gina Gordon

The massive lump of flesh that has created you, me, and maybe, animals, everything that has life will forever live.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

A domesticated man makes my lady parts beep!

~ Tanya Masse

A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn’t leave me for someone prettier.

~ Cindi Madsen

He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.

~ Jane Austen

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

~ Russell Beland

(On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men go to the dentist. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they're thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.

~ Mindy Kaling

... Good gracious, Jerry, you'll probably have to marry the girl.'Joanna was half serious, half laughing.It was at that moment that I made a very important discovery.'Damn it all,' I said. 'I don't mind if I do. In fact - I should like it.'A very funny expression came over Joanna's face. She got up and said dryly, as she went toward the door, 'Yes, I've known that for some time...'She left me standing, glass in hand, aghast at my new discovery.

~ Agatha Christie

Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.

~ Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

If you only attract Mr. Wrong or Ms. Crazy, evaluate the common thread in this diversity of people: YOU!

~ Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

It was a needless precaution, I felt sure, but men always enjoy marching around with weapons and flexing their figurative muscles, and I saw no reason to deny them this harmless exercise.

~ Elizabeth Peters

Don't get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.

~ Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Men are so easy to manipulate, poor things.

~ Elizabeth Peters

They are friends because they are both beautiful specimens of maledom.Beautiful specimens of maledom?That's right. And there are very few of those species in existence presently, so they need to stick together in order to survive.

~ Krista Mcgee

It wasn’t because you weren’t beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It’s predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer the complexity and layers of a sundae, even the ones sprinkled with a little bit of nuts on top.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Chase? He actually said that to you?” She frowned. “Yes.” “When?” “When we were in bed.” “Great timing,” Dee muttered. “Just like a man. We’ll just file him away under D for dumb ass and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Or better yet, S for sicko.

~ Lindsey Brookes

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.

~ Jeanette Winterson

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

~ Bauvard

Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defensive defense, that the problem with being a serial monogamist is, there isn't anybody random or unimportant: everybody you sleep with really means something, which is to say each of them is on your public record. At some point I wake up thinking, Fuck this! I don't want another man in my bed ever again. What I really want is a cat.

~ Emma Forrest