Humor Quotes

You sound so reasonable for a man who's been jilted. Can't you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!

~ Bronwyn Scott

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

~ Nicki Elson

I swallowed hard, a hot flush blazing a trail across my skin. Reminded me of that old television show, Bonanza. You know, the one with the burning map and the lively western tune? Yeah, my skin was that map, but the song blaring in my head leaned more toward a “bow-chick-a-wow-wow” sound than anything else. Hormone overload!

~ Lisa Sanchez

Nicholas: I know you, brother. You've been threatened with matrimonial pursuits before. Why are you really here?William: I received an invitation.Nicholas: Not from me you didn't.William: Of course not from you, brother. Parliament would go up in flames before I receive a social invitation from you.

~ Donna Macmeans

That's what got her, of course. That everyone thought it so unbelievable that she could possibly attract a man like him. It shouldn't upset her because it was true. She couldn't. Not in this world, in this lifetime. Yet she didn't appreciated everyone else acting as if they were the most improbable twosome since Quasimodo hit on Esmeralda.

~ Jo Leigh

Reg: Furth's in London. And yes, I know, it's my fault. But as long as I'ver roused the lion, I was going to ask you to speak to him on my behalf.Alex: You wish me to speak to Furth.Reg: Well, yes. He's always like you. Just tell him what a noble, upright fellow I am, and how I have always upheld my position with dignity and respect.Alex: Lie, you mean.REg: Whatever it takes.

~ Suzanne Enoch

Miss Masters was not content with threatening to hire away his staff, oh no. First, she had to perfume it.

~ Meredith Duran

Uh oh, maybe I’m hysterical. No, the look on his face had been so funny. Did he really think to kiss me into submission? That shit might work in romance novels, but not on me. If he wants to kiss me he’ll have to earn that privilege again.

~ Tamara Hoffa

I've given up men. It's true. At first, I was just going to give up attorneys, but that seemed immature - and far too exclusive, so I'm playing it safe and giving up all the penis-carrying humans.

~ Jill Shalvis

It is possible to compromise in certain areas when choosing a partner for life, but never on a cravat.

~ Amanda Grange

How is it that I am completely naked while you haven’t shed even one stitch of clothing?”“Because you were dinner, Rebecca.”A snort escaped, mixing with her laughter. “Remind me to have dinner with you more often. I have been missing out.” “You? What about me?

~ Krystal Shannan

GET IN he says, getting in on the driver side. I get in with no questions. Okay. This is a bad movie waiting to happen-I'm getting in a car with a guy I just met today who is keeping secrets from me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm too scared to speak or ask or run away, though. So I just get in and put on my seat belt. I am so stupid.

~ Sara Daniell

A punching bag. The guy was pounding on a punching bag. That realization took about a nanosecond to register in her brain before the real important information came to the forefront: LoriSue, God bless her slutty little soul, had been absolutely correct. He was male-stripper material, and he’d been thoughtful enough to strip to a pair of athletic shorts on his very first night in the neighborhood.

~ Susan Donovan

The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity.— RJPeters

~ R.j. Peters

What the hell was going on, why did I care, and why, oh why, did I not carry a pocket rocket in my purse? My girlie bits were still on fire, screaming for release after Mr. Sex God’s orgasmic touch.

~ Lisa Sanchez

She’d rather make love to him then watch any movie. “We don’t have to. Did I do something wrong?”That made him turn to her. “Of course not.”“Oh. Then don’t you want to…” She trailed off, a blush rising.“Are you kidding me? More than anything.” His expression softened. “But, Maira, I don’t want to rush you, make you do something you aren’t ready for.”She stared at him. He was so pretty. Was he also stone-cold stupid?How could he think she wasn’t ready for it? She’d already thrown herself at him. Twice now, if he counted the kitchen disaster.

~ Alisha Rai

In the deepest, darkest depths of her heart where she kept all her dreams locked up in a pink journal decorated with ponies and unicorns, she’d fantasized about declaring her love for Sasha Karimi for two years. In those scenarios, he generally fell to his knees in thrilled delight before he reciprocated the feelings and then they got married and had lots of babies and maybe a pet iguana and lived happily ever after.

~ Alisha Rai

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

~ Nicki Elson

I, the great and powerful D.S. will create a harem for all the women in the world!!!! For a woman, no greater joy exists in the entire universe than to fuck me, the ultimate sex symbol!!!

~ Kazushi Hagiwara

Ethan: Abstaining definitely doesn't work.Beth: what do you suggest?Ethan: We're obviously going to have to make love often, but keep the encounters from getting too intense. He sounded perfectly serious, like he really believed what he was saying.

~ Lucy Monroe

One of the best lovers in Hollywood. What would a title like that encompass exactly? she wondered. Technique? Enthusiasm? Or was it more about equipment?

~ Sarah Mayberry

Can you…make it different this time?”“Different, how?”“Different position, different…something. I want to learn it all.”Whoa, pressure. When Maira’s genius brain wanted to learn something, she really applied herself.

~ Alisha Rai

She knew exactly how she ought to feel, for she was well read in our greater and lesser English poets, but the unfortunate fact was that she did not really like being kissed at all.

~ Barbara Pym

Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it's gonna backfire; I'm gonna be active friendly.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

You’re a nosy sleuth like me because you can’t help it,” Alma said.

~ Ed Lynskey

Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities.

~ Ed Lynskey

Stanley forced a smile to his lips at the memory of the onesided romance; it was silly, after all, a stupid childhood crush. Who’d fall in love with a fictional character? That was the kind of thing you laughed about as an adult. Or at least Harriet had thought so. He couldn’t quite do it, though. Couldn’t quite see it as a joke. It had felt too real, too raw and wild and fierce, for him todismiss it even now. It was love, of a sort, stunted and unformed as it was. For a time, it had kept him sane.

~ Amelia Mangan

Petey Samson gave the ladies an over-the-shoulder glance. He realized no doggie treat was forthcoming, even from Isabel who was usually the soft mark to hit up. He scratched his front claws to re-attack the sand.

~ Ed Lynskey

I’d lick you numb, Mariah. You have no idea the things I’m capable of.

~ Pella Grace

I think you better hurry along with that French toast making, Stud. You know—before my fetus eats your face.”“It would be equally as delicious.

~ Pella Grace

I worked in a grocery store my whole life, Honey-girl. I know what lonely housewives think of this.”“I meant the baby, Jerk.”“Attached to me.”“You think you’re cute, don’t you?”“Are you honestly asking me this? I know you’re not debating it.

~ Pella Grace

My head is in a world of hurt. My apartment is trashed. At the end of today, I could either be dating the girl who saves my family’s future or is going to be the ending of it. When did life get so damn complicated?

~ Pella Grace

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

~ Wendelin Van Draanen

Without hesitation but with a sense of entitlement, he lifted my hand to his lips. He was gentlemen-like in every way... I don’t know why I wondered if it was an act or for real.

~ Laura Albright

Uhm, Kevin...Be quiet, or I swear to God I'll take you right here.Yes, this was definitely Forced Sex..

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I know what party you’re talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you’re going to be there in a costume.” He winked and leaned back in his seat.“I’m going as a homeless person.”“Sexy.

~ Chanelle Gray

Her chin lifted. Very well. Here is my best offer. Half of my nakedness for all of yours.He pretended to think on it. It's a bargain.

~ Tessa Dare

Want to go upstairs and play ball?Now, you're talking. Naked basketball. Always my favorite.Loser gets fucked first.Jesus, Thursday, every time you set that rule you cheat.What do you mean, I cheat? I usually lose.That's exactly what I mean.

~ Mercy Celeste

Roger said, 'I don't know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?'Sophie rolled her eyes. 'How original. No, I'm not analyzing you. It'd take a whole team of shrinks to figure out your crazy ass, and I simply don't have the time or energy.

~ Jennifer Lane

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri