Humor Quotes

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who'd been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn't really deserved his reaction, but he was, justifiably, weary of their meddling and hearing about his father's will. Apparently no suitable maiden was going to appear on his doorstep. He seemed to be looking for a needle in a haystack.

~ Lisa M. Prysock

Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, he said. It's what fathers do.Most father's don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives.They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

~ Janet Evanovich

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt. She paused Horizontally. Sara laughed. Again?

~ Jill Shalvis

You know what you are, Sam Brody? she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. A big, fat tease. They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant.

~ Jill Shalvis

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

~ Karina Bliss

...truly loving someone is making that person happy even if you’re not the reason behind it.

~ Vinsfortin

I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. “Ever,” she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.He had a really great mouth.

~ Jill Shalvis

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be winning the most graceful woman’s award any time soon.

~ Jessica Florence

Kyle clapped his hands together. “Goody! The Zoe dates back some 3000 years to when the Greek gods ruled.”“Who’s Zoe?” I interjected.Kyle huffed. “It’s not a who, it’s a what.

~ Nicole Gulla

Have some carrots. They're good for your eyes.Then you have some fries. They're good for your... I don't know. They're just good.

~ Sarah Ockler

Matt is a tortured soul,' Amanda insisted. 'He's Heathcliff and you're Cathy. He's Rochester and you're Jane Eyre. He's-''Darcy and I'm Elizabeth. I get it. And you're wrong.

~ Robin Brande

Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.

~ Clementine Holzinger

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder.

~ J.leigh Hunter

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal

~ Diana Palmer

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante

~ Voltaire

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.

~ Stephen Fry

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

~ Russell Brand

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

~ Ambrose Bierce

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

~ Mark Twain

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

~ Jonathan Swift

Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding.

~ Tai

I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

~ Ivana Hruba

Were you terrified, Murgatroyd? Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. There you go, girl: You're a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that's all I need. Time for some reasonable force, I think.

~ China Miéville

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')

~ Patton Oswalt

Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

~ Angela Elwell Hunt

I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person.

~ Mikhail Bulgakov

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

~ Jonathan Swift

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

~ Edgar Johnson

I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, I can see relationships!!!

~ Dan Bergstein

Like vampires and extremely rich people, black folk can sense one another. Use your Spidey Sense (Blacky Sense?). Use your blackdar to inspect the workplace for signs of Other Negroes. They may be working security for the building. They may be in administrative support. They may be among the associate pool, or they may even be in upper management. Black folk can be anywhere. After all, you're here. But one of the biggest mistakes you can make as The Black Employee is to assume you are the only one.

~ Baratunde R. Thurston

...I could feel her burrowing into my heart. I didn't know if the burrowing was like a kitten cuddling up to its mother or if it was like a chigger depositing its larvae underneath the skin of my ankles.

~ Jason Porter

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

~ George Saunders

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach's Air on the G string.

~ Tai

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you.

~ Baratunde R. Thurston

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

~ Edgar Johnson

I denounce the do-gooders, the feel-gooders, the “activist clubs,” and anyone else who makes people feel like the problem is being taken care of. Trust me. The problem is not being taken care of.

~ Blake Nelson

[An] explanation that was simply in the best traditions of female logic:I don't know why, but I want it, so you need to give me that expensive thing.

~ Michael Atamanov

When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.

~ R.s. Gompertz

History repeats, again.

~ R.s. Gompertz

For instance, the cards that I wrote for the company's 'I'd Like to Declare My Confused and Ambiguous Fondness for You' line were all notorious failures, some of which were blamed as the single direct cause of several nasty divorces, and some of their purchasers had actually taken the effort to discover the identity of their anonymous author, sending me hate mail, dead fish, and poorly wrapped, oil-stained packages emitting ticking noises.

~ Dexter Palmer