Humor Quotes

If you have nothing good to say about someone, write a book about them. - Carmen Fox, Life Motto

~ Carmen Fox

Avoid stock expressions (like the plague, as William Safire used to say) and repetitions. Don't say that as a boy your grandmother used to read to you, unless at that stage of her life she really was a boy, in which case you have probably thrown away a better intro. If something is worth hearing or listening to, it's very probably worth reading. So, this above all: Find your own voice.

~ Christopher Hitchens

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

~ Oscar Wilde

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

~ Oscar Wilde

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

~ Oscar Wilde

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

~ Bertrand Russell

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves, the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

~ Bauvard

By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.

~ Criss Jami

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they've been following a bunny rabbit.

~ H.m. Ward

How can you sleep at a time like this?” she asked, but the only answer was a low snore. She looked at him suspiciously. In the short time she had been with him, she had never before heard him snore.“You’re faking,” she said.“No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

~ John Flanagan

Anything happening,” she whispered.“Aside from you blundering about like a lost elephant?” he asked, in the same low tone.She nodded, accepting the rebuke. “Aside from that.

~ John Flanagan

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

This existenitalist stuff sure is crap

~ Daniel Younger

I Think, Therefore I Am ... I Think ...

~ David Ski

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.Again the pause. 'Oh d—''And that was with a coffee machine.' He waited.

~ Douglas Adams

I stumbled up the hill back toward the Hab. As I crested the rise, I saw something that made me very happy and something that made me very sad: The Hab was intact (yay!) and the MAV was gone (boo!).

~ Andy Weir

Hey,” Watney said over the radio, “I've got an idea.”“Of course you do,” Lewis said. “What do you got?”“I could find something sharp in here and poke a hole in the glove of my EVA suit. I could use the escaping air as a thruster and fly my way to you. The source of thrust would be on my arm, so I'd be able to direct it pretty easily.”“How does he come up with this shit?” Martinez interjected.“Hmm,” Lewis said. “Could you get 42 meters per second that way?”“No idea,” Watney said.“I can't see you having any control if you did that,” Lewis said. “You'd be eyeballing the intercept and using a thrust vector you can barely control.”“I admit it's fatally dangerous,” Watney said. “But consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.”“We'll keep working on ideas,” Lewis said.“Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man.

~ Andy Weir

You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?” “Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?

~ Patricia Briggs

Always fuck with people's expectations, sunshine. It's good for their circulation.

~ Tana French

You can pipe anything to anything else, and usually it'll do something. With most of the standard Linux tools, it'll even do what you expect.

~ Scott Simpson

Daniel: So, how are you?Sophie: Buckling under the weight of a thousand expectations. You?

~ Maria Malonzo

I notice you didn’t include a blade with your new attire,” Royce said. “Not even a little jeweled dagger.”“Lords no.” Albert looked appalled. “I don’t fight.”“I thought all nobles learned sword fighting.” Royce looked to Hadrian.“I thought so too.”“Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt’s at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like how much they hated their husbands. I’ve never actually held a sword, but I can tie a mean corset and apply face paint like a gold-coin whore.

~ Michael J. Sullivan

Masturbating the meaning of life since 1987. #lovewithmeneverdies

~ Pat R

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?I'd rather swim in battery acid.

~ Robin Benway

Nick‘s eyes widened as a total state of befuddled huh possessed him. Was he in theTwilight Zone?

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

~ Tom Upton

But, I still can't totally forgive Dave for blowing my world apart. DO YOU HEAR THAT, DAVE?!

~ K.m. Shea

Shut up, lumpen-head,” Billy had said, setting the stage for our future amicable relationship. I remembered that very well too. That had been a first too. Nobody had called me a lumpen-head before that. Tavi had had to explain what it meant, and then I had punched Billy in the stomach. People had to help Pradyun separate us and one of the ladies had exclaimed, “But she looked like such a sweet, little girl too!” “She's not a girl,” Billy had said. “She's an ugly lumpen-head, and her parents found her under a toadstool.” Billy had been a sweet, little boy himself. Still was. Hadn't changed a bit over the years.

~ Sonal Panse

Adam mused, “Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch.” Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive.She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

~ Sonal Panse

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive. She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

~ Sonal Panse

It had been a big mistake, introducing her to Tavi on one of his visits home. She had fallen hard and made up every conceivable excuse to turn up at our place that week. Tavi had taken it in his usual stride; he was accustomed to my friends making idiots of themselves over him and he had developed a fine knack of rebuffing them without hurting their feelings too much. “You deserve a Prince,” he had told her. “So here's a tip – don't waste your time on a common man like me.

~ Sonal Panse

They just want to be part of the moment. A moment that's much larger than them, and even larger than us.

~ Goldy Moldavsky

(Every great character, Iz, be it on page or screen, is multidimensional. The good guys aren't all good, and the bad guys aren't all bad, and any character wholly one or the other shouldn't exist at all. Remember this when I describe the antics that follow, for though I am not a villain, I am not immune to villainy.)

~ David Arnold

I'm beginning to think that if you're going to have a role model you should probably pick someone who's already dead so they can't disappoint you.

~ Dyan Sheldon

Hey, Mrs. Jakes, how come people can’t afford new shoes or food, but they can still buy candy?” She smiled and waved him off. “Oh, people will always find a way to buy chocolate, Elliot. Chocolate is forever.

~ Jack C. Monroe

That narrows down the search quite a bit,” Daniel commented. “But what if you still don’t find her?”“Then I’m still not going to join the throng of mindless dicks out there looking for a dizney-whore to take advantage of.” Will was frowning but Daniel laughed explosively through his nose.“I can’t believe you just said that!

~ Rebekah Joy Anast

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

~ Reverend Jen

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

~ Craig Ferguson

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

~ Robin Williams