Humor Quotes

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

~ Chelsea Handler

But even Es and cocaine, over the years they blow holes in your brain, rob you of your memories, your past. Which is fair enough, convenient even.

~ Irvine Welsh

They left Puonvangi at the 303rd in the company of a riotous party of Binlisi conventioneers. The Birilisi were an avian species and much given to excessive narcoticism, they and Puonvangi were guaranteed to get on. There was much fluttering.

~ Iain M. Banks

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.

~ Thomas C. Foster

But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.

~ David Wong

I don’t mind crack,” I said. “I like crack as much as the next man. But it’s not doing a thing for my nerves, and I already have a splitting headache— I say, I don’t suppose those heroin dealers carry Anadin or acetaminophen or anything like that, do they?” “I think they just have heroin, Charlie.

~ Paul Murray

Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture movers. Too much, and those relaxed muscles include your diaphragm, then your heart.

~ Craig Clevenger

What is this thing? Did you make it?”“I am a chemist, aren’t I?” Laurence says.“You own a meth-lab,” Benjamin says. “That does not qualify you as a chemist.

~ Sam Hunter

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed.

~ Bill Maher

Veeva should count her blessings. Three years ago it was cocaine and a year ago it was crack and lemme tell you, that stuff you got to have. You do anything for that high. He laughed again, savoring his memories. Where do you think the furniture went? Up my nose, that’s where. She finally had me carted out of here screaming like an insane man. Spent some time in Bellevue with little sparkly bugs coming out my orifices. Compared to that being a drunk is practically a sensible existence.

~ Dan Ahearn

Kill the body and the head will die.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

I don't know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey?

~ Jess Walter

(…) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled in a ponytail, her no-doubt banging body effortlessly buried beneath a pile of tights and sweaters and scarves – she is a walking coat rack – and as we shook hands, Bea fixed me with the most alarming blue-eyed stare of my life, the kind of stare in which you think some potent subliminal message is being passed along (Run away with me or maybe just Run away), (…)

~ Jess Walter

If it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true.

~ Judy Sheindlin

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

~ Ambrose Bierce

It seemed to me,' said Wonko the Sane, 'that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.

~ Douglas Adams

Now, me lord, you know you oughtn’t talk like that at this hour of the morning. Yougot to pardon his lordship, sir,” he said apologetically to Jones. “His father—theduke, you know—had him schooled in logic. He can’t really help it, like.” Spoken by a most loyal valet, Tom Bryd, in defense of the inherit workings of the mind of his employer, Lord John Grey

~ Diana Gabaldon

Like, a flood seems like a great way to punish every living creature in the world except for fish. What the hell is a god supposed to do when all the FISH start being assholes?

~ Cory O'brien

When speaking to an asshole, why expect anything but shit?

~ Donna Marie Timney

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Braith turned and saw three of her cousins sunning themselves on boulders. Like lizards. Lizards in human form.“What are you doing?” Braith asked.“Enjoying the suns,” replied one.“It gives our scales a lovely bright hue,” said another.Braith blinked. “Except you’re all in your human form. So how does that help your scales?”They stared at her for several seconds before one stated, “You’re a bit of a know-it-all, aren’t you?”“How is that . . .” Braith shook her head. She wouldn’t go from arguing with one idiot to arguing with three.

~ G.a. Aiken

There were no footmarks.''Meaning that you saw none?''I assure you, sir, that there were none.''My good Hopkins, I have investigated many crimes, but I have never yet seen one which was committed by a flying creature. As long as the criminal remains upon two legs so long must there be some indentation, some abrasion, some trifling displacement which can be detected by the scientific searcher.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Labor is a man crowning glory.Not this man's.I quote MarxI raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough.I quote blisters.

~ John Fowles

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.Even if the dogs are small.

~ E. Lockhart

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

~ Alexander Pope

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us. So? We already have that! What do you mean? We've got dogs!

~ Joan Bauer

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

~ David Sedaris

I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.

~ Claire Cook

What the fuck does he think he's doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

~ C.k. Kelly Martin

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it.

~ Claire Cook

Go on Louis, jump up,” I’d say every day for the first three months. From the vacant look on his face, I may as well have asked him to solve a Rubik cube puzzle.

~ Cee Tee Jackson

On the steps leading to a doorwas a scrub brush that was blue.I snatched it quick and ran for homebecause it was just the thing to chew.

~ Melinda K. Trotter

It was an ancient policy with her to be on good terms with anything that outweighed her and had so many teeth, so she broke the bacon in two and gave him the smaller piece. He was a dog. He would not realize he had been slighted.

~ Joanna Bourne

You've got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

~ Laini Taylor

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos. The simple dog remained unfazed.

~ Allie Brosh

Maria, groaning for scraps, would drape his head on my feet as I ate, trying to camouflage himself as my napkin or the rug.

~ Arthur Phillips

You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it.

~ Jen Sincero

It does no good to bark at the television,I said. I’ve tried it too. So he stopped.

~ Mary Oliver

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

~ Chelsea Handler