Humor Quotes

Once I had her clean, I wrapped her in a towel and carried her back to the bed. A small red bloodstain was on the sheets, and again the possessive monster inside me threw back his head and roared his pleasure. I stood there holding her and letting the proof I was the only man to be inside her wash over me.Blythe turned her head, and I felt her stiffen in my arms. “Oh, I can clean that up,” she said, starting to wiggle.I pulled her tighter to my chest. “No. I’m going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that,” The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile.

~ Abbi Glines

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

~ Josh Stern

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

~ Josh Stern

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

~ Josh Stern

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

~ Josh Stern

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

~ Josh Stern

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

~ Josh Stern

I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!

~ Stephen King

I also found it particularly encouraging that the decent people in his life were now outnumbering the crazy bitches

~ R.k. Lilley

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

~ Mary Hughes

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst, he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

~ Andrew Sturm

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

~ Shannon Hale

I cross-examined him and he double-crossed me but that's fine, I'll prosecute him one day and he'll be sentenced to life without parole…with me.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn’t have a sense of humor I’m in big trouble!

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

I looked at the images hanging on the walls, wanting to find those things in her pictures. My favorite was directly across from me: a photo of a beaten, weathered hull of a rowboat. I knew about as much about boats as I did photography, which was next to nothing, but that boat wasn’t going anywhere near the water anytime soon unless the owner decided it would make a mediocre shipwreck to explore while scuba diving. Nevertheless, it faced the out-of-focus lake in the background, almost hopefully, as if it hadn’t yet decided its best days were gone, as if it still dreamed of bobbing peacefully on the waves.“Does that one have a name?” I asked.She smiled. “Seaworthy.

~ Leesa Freeman

Not just in America. When I left my primary school, my father said, 'Son, you are now a man,' then he gave me a scented candle and told me how babies are made. Vik fought to keep his lips from twitching.

~ S.j. Kincaid

Adam has always had . . . heroic tendencies.”I touched Adam’s arm. “He’s my hero.”There was another pause. . .“That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Bran said. “Be careful, Adam, or you’ll turn her into a real girl.”Adam looked at me. “I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

~ Patricia Briggs

Are you the stuff that hero's are made of? Or are you a jellyfish in a skirt?

~ Cressida Cowell

Three months before I met you, I was looking for the next thrill, the next party, the next girl. And then I walked in and found you perched in my kitchen like the most beautifully confident creature I'd ever seen, and I knew you'd be a wildfire.

~ R.s Grey

You challenged me from the very beginning and I tried to resist you, but I knew even then that I wasn't going to walk away without you by my side.

~ R.s Grey

Madonna's- Justify My Love, follows us into the lounge, where several men, seated at the tables, eye us like hungry lions as we walk through. Tiger asked, So, this is a WHOREhouse?Actually, a gay BATHhouse. I hope you don't mind that I'm a little bit of a SLUT-puppy.MIND? NO. You're MY HERO.

~ Giorge Leedy

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.What are the other— Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, two?

~ Terry Pratchett

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.

~ Mikhail Baryshnikov

Then the glow grew brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. She's a communist!

~ Rick Riordan

Take Tom Jones and mix him with Enrico Caruso, the Italian tenor-cum-castrato singer. Then add tons of pathetic love songs, faked sex appeal and musical kleptomania focusing on Western hits from the 1970s. Spice it up with a political flexibility rare even for Central European standards and a personal status close to that of the Pope. What do you get? Karel Gott, Czech pop music's most mega-super, long-lasting and brightest star.

~ Terje B. Englund

Although i hate having to admit this, but the one good thing those annoying communists did right was to treat religion like a type of addiction and completely banned all practicies of it-Tanya Degurechaff (Youjo Senki)

~ Carlos Zen

I really should be studying now, but you're much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

~ Kara Martinelli

LEELA: 'To be, or not to be, that is the question.' That is a very stupid question!THE DOCTOR: It's Shakespeare.LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw it! Throwspeare, now that is a name.

~ John Dorney

He kills her in her own humor.

~ William Shakespeare

And now to sleep, to dream...perchance to fart.

~ Anthony Bourdain

Everybody needs a career manager.- Lady Macbeth

~ Robert Lynn Asprin

Beatrice: I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?

~ William Shakespeare

BEROWNE: What time o' day?ROSALINE: The hour that fools should ask.

~ William Shakespeare

He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

~ William Shakespeare

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings?

~ William Shakespeare

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called fools.

~ Bill Shakespeare

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love's name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

~ William Shakespeare

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.”She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. “And damned be he—she—who cries, ‘Hold, enough!’”“Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

~ Patricia Briggs

Hark,” he said, his tone very dry. “What stone through yonder window breaks?”Kami yelled up at him, “It is the east, and Juliet is a jerk!

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

We will meet; and there we may rehearse mostobscenely and courageously.Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2

~ William Shakespeare