Humor Quotes

I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.

~ Ron Swanson

It is so dam difficult to be simple.

~ Valquiria Oliveira

Hate people on an individual basis only - you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her.

~ Jill Conner Browne

'Not drinking?' Collin asked coolly. 'I only drink the blood of virgins,' Logan quipped. 'You must be dehydrated then.' A slow smile spread over Logan's face. 'A sense of humor... rare in a Templar.'

~ Lia Black

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat.

~ Yanko Tsvetkov

If your life was complete, you'd be dead.

~ Joshua Wisenbaker

Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shillyshallying with the question is absurd.

~ Oscar Wilde

We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Two puzzles that cannot be solved:The miracle of birth and misery of death.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away to defend them or to spend your way out of debt defies common sense.

~ Glenn Beck

When I was poor and complained about inequality they said I was bitter, now that I'm rich and I complain about inequality they say I'm a hypocrite. I'm beginning to think they just don't want to talk about inequality.

~ Russell Brand

I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. Can I interest you in the chicken? she asks. Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

~ David Sedaris

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

~ Stephen Colbert

The strangeness of the Barrayaran government system with all its unwritten customs, pressed on Cordelia not so much as first glance but gradually. And yet it seemed to work for them somehow. They made it work, pretending a government into existence. Perhaps all governments were all consensus fictions at their hearts.

~ Lois Mcmaster Bujold

The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep.

~ George Stephanopoulos

some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs.

~ Harry Truman

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y'know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to me once and ask me if I paid taxes. Of course I pay taxes! I pay taxes for exactly the same reason that I hate paying taxes — because I think my government is terrifying and stupid. I don't need the IRS kicking my door down and taking my meticulously alphabetized collection of Tijuana bibles.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

She leaned into me, and I could feel her hot breath against my ear. 'I want you to eat me,' she whispered. 'I want you to eat me like you’re an angry Alaskan grizzly and I’m Timothy Treadwell.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

She lifted me back into the seat with a wicked grin, and breathed, 'Just don’t stop talking. Whatever you do, just don’t stop talking,' and swallowed my manhood. I scrambled desperately through the darkened corners of my memory until I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her by the hair and said, 'Now bend over, and I’ll do to you what the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries wants to keep the Federal government from doing to the state of Alaska.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

So, I’m a playwright. In Minneapolis. Which means that I find myself operating in a pretty lefty crowd, most of the time. And most of my energy goes towards arguing with that, and musing about how I really fucking can’t stand Democrats. So I was startled to be reminded of a fact that I’d almost entirely forgotten: I really fucking can’t stand Republicans.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

So a while back I spent a night in jail. Now, as for exactly what landed me there, I’d be so delighted to never have to go into any of the details regarding that. Besides, other people’s theories are so much more exotic and exciting than the reality. I've heard everything from 'attempted terrorism' to 'indecent public condescension.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe he made a couple of off-color remarks about law-enforcement professionals, and maybe he’s been hiding from the cops ever since an incident a few years back involving a bleeding hooker, nine pounds of cocaine, and a soiled image of Tipper Gore.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I’ve devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can’t even blame the media — people simply don’t care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I’m so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It’s not rooting for the Giants: it’s more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

The Libertarian Party convention wasn’t much better. You will never find a more stammering, awkward, inarticulate group of people than libertarians. I still remember the convention the previous year, entitled 'Women of Liberty.' All of the speakers were women, and all of the topics boiled down to 'Effectively Communicating Libertarian Ideas to Women' — in other words, 'How to talk to girls.' Looking around at the nearly entirely white male audience, it wasn’t hard to see why they chose this tack.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

No really I'm pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it's just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

~ Lindsey Harris

Brains were no good to a working man, they only made him discontented and saucy and lose his jobs. She'd seen it happen again and again.

~ Flora Thompson

You can't believe that AIDS is a curse from God against Gays without accepting that Lyme Disease is a curse from the same God against Deer Hunters...

~ T. Rafael Cimino

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.No, sir.There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.Very true, sir.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

My friends never seem to yell at their kids. Even when their kids are behaving hideously, they pull them aside and say, now sweetie, you know you shouldn't, blah, blah, blah. Please don't yadda, yadda, okay sweetie? Maybe it's some bullshit show they put on for non-family members, but I'd have to be on happy pills to act like that

~ Brenda Wilhelmson

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the couch, a large utility flashlight illuminates some sort of...landing strip? I crouch down for a better look.Oh. My. God.Stuck to the carpet in parallel, unbroken paths from one wall to the other are two lanes of brand-new maxi pads. Plastic dinosaurs stand guard at every fourth pad–triceratops and T rexes on one side, brontosauruses and pterodactyls on the other–protecting the airport from enemy aircraft and/or heavy flow.

~ Sarah Ockler

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I'm going. It feels like I've been sort of floating around without being sure where I'd end up because I haven't figured out what I'd really like to do.

~ Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.

~ Stephen King

Charlene says:I heard I'm being moved to Jumping for Joy farm. That sounds like a happy place to be. I'll learn a lot about jumping. Maybe it's different than jumping up and down like I do when I'm having a tantrum.

~ Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Excerpt:Here are some thoughts from Charlene the Star:“I’ll bet that’s why Mama put the word “Star” in myname. I have a feeling I’m going to be a star as a jumper.

~ Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Charlene's thoughts:I'm next in the green jumper's Class. I thought I'd be in the red jumpers' class because of my red hair.

~ Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Our car would've burned up too, but Michael, who is only twelve, got in it and backed it away. I climbed in with him and noticed some of my school books in the car, so I took them out and threw them in the fire. I figured it would save me from doing a lot of homework, but unfortunately under the headline in the paper the next day that said HARPER'S MALT SHOP BURNS TO THE GROUND IN TRAGIC FIRE it also said that seen throwing her school books into the fire was little Daisy Fay Harper. Rat's foot! No wonder Hollywood stars hate reporters, and after all that some busybody do-gooder has already bought me a new set of books.

~ Fannie Flagg

Oooh...Aunt Chelsea called Jake the D-word!Rory's voice carries into the kitchen. Dipshit?No.Dumbass?No.Douchebag?What's a douchebag?Rory! Chelsea and I yell at exactly the same time.

~ Emma Chase

everything is negotiable. everything.

~ Kay M. Rutherford

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

~ Jim Gaffigan

Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

~ Christopher Andersen