Humor Quotes

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated. They have clear edges. They give an impression of invulnerability and balance, and I wish I were one of them.

~ Louise Dickinson Rich

The body, the mind, and the spirit don't form a pyramid, they form a circle. Each of them runs into the other two. The body isn't below the mind and the spirit; from the point of view it's between them. if you reside too much in the mind, then you get too abstract and cut off from the world. You long for the spiritual life, but you can't get to it, and you fall into despair. The exercise of the senses frees you from abstraction and opens the way to transcendence.

~ Jane Smiley

Why, yes. I am a strange wonder. The most special of snowflakes! Born out of time, forever running to catch up to it!

~ Ryan Graudin

In another place was a vast array of idols—Polynesian, Mexican, Grecian, Phoenician, every country on earth I should think. And here, yielding to an irresistible impulse, I wrote my name upon the nose of a steatite monster from South America that particularly took my fancy.

~ H.g. Wells

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.

~ Douglas Adams

Time travel? I believe there are people regularly travelling back from the future and interfering with our lives on a daily basis. The evidence is all around us. I’m talking about how every time we make an insurance claim we discover that somehow mysteriously the exact thing we’re claiming for is now precisely excluded from our policy.

~ Douglas Adams

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

~ Les Lynam

Time travel is awesome....And useful. That sentence had a typo when I typed it...The first time.

~ Craig Benzine

How are babies made? Visibly startled, Jordan turned and opened his mouth, as if he intended to speak, but for some reason no words came out. At first Alexandra was puzzled by his involuntary silence, but then understanding dawned. She shook her head and sighed with sympathy for their mutual plight. You don't know either, do you?

~ Judith Mcnaught

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

~ Bauvard

Not everything needed to be processed. Some things needed to be ignored and slept on.

~ Max Wirestone

If you drive a car, I'll tax the street;if you try to sit, I'll tax your seat; if you get too cold, I'll tax the heat; if you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.

~ George Harrison

Gilded palace of Flying BurritosExcellent Nouveau Mexican CuisineWe all got to wear Swank-Ass Nudie SuitsI should have known it was a lousy pipe dreamOhhh, Ohhh, what an awesome jobOhhh, Ohhh, what do I do now??Ohh, Ohhhhh, it's like I've been robbedSpent the last of my paychequeAnd I'm feelin' pretty downnnnn!!

~ Bryan Lee O'malley

All of the people took it up and sung it over and over until it was wrung dry, and no further innovations of tone and tempo were conceivable. Then they hushed and ate barbecue.

~ Zora Neale Hurston

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. I am totally not getting enough attention here.

~ Lisa Mcmann

Chance likes to ride in back, standing up at red lights and pounding on the roof in (what he insists is) Morse code. We won't mention that to Dad.

~ Kelley York

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

~ Eoin Colfer

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.

~ C.j. Cherryh

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch me—oh, god!

~ John Green

Hey, Pedro, could you get your shopping cart out of my faculty parking space? Yes, I know you live on the street. But you know how hard it is to find a parking spot on the Upper West Side. After all, you used to be one of my best students! So how's that Columbia degree working out for you? Not so good, huh? Sorry about that. Really! But you know, a college degree isn't like some cheap used car. There's no warantee. Right, there's no Lemon Law either. Buyer beware! Look, Pedro, I don't want to call security again. Yes, I know they're your cousins. What's that? You'll wash my car for a dollar? Well, I guess that's a good deal. Where's your sponge bucket? What's that? You've got a hose? What do you mean, it's tucked in your pants? Hey Pedro -- no, no, no don't -- aw, Pedro!

~ Eric Foner

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it's not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I've written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don't do that by holding hands with every at-risk undergraduate who says he's homesick, or he's turning gay, or the dog ate his term paper. I write about Lincoln, and freedom, and great ideas. I don't always have time for students. It's like Dean Martin used to say: if you want to talk, go to a priest. Hey -- what's the gun for?

~ Eric Foner

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

~ John Belushi

College stirred in her a certain contempt for virtues like kindness and persistence. She would have appeared to have been a kind and persistent person herself, but a steady diet of Antonioni films and an introductory course on existentialism had awakened her to the fact that she wanted more.

~ Garth Risk Hallberg

And by the way, I know my title said “10 Reasons” and I only listed “6”. I didn’t learn to count in college.

~ James Altucher

He's a cocky SOB. He knew the Nick Adams Stories. Probably a frustrated English major who graduated from college qualified to drive a cab.

~ Peter Heller

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

~ Margaret Atwood

College is a different scene than it was ten years ago. It used to be all about sex and drugs. Now it’s all about texting and fast food.

~ Aaron B. Powell

PREFACE PROBLEM: Nobody reads prefaces.SOLUTION: Call the preface Chapter 1.NEW PROBLEM CREATED BY SOLUTION: Chapter 1 is boring.RESOLUTION: Throw away Chapter 1 and call Chapter 2 Chapter 1.

~ Gerald M. Weinberg

There should be a device which can detect when the person is getting angry and should not let that person speak till he/she calms down. This will solve so many problems.

~ Nauman Khan

I didn’t think it was possible — but this situation has managed to get worse.” “But you’re so calm,” she observed.“That’s usually when you can tell everything has gone to shit.

~ G.a. Aiken

You mustn't stand about. Come home with me to dinner.’‘No.’ More shakes his head. ‘I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put food in my mouth – but you will put words into it.

~ Hilary Mantel

Which meant it was time for the centerpiece of the celebration, the reason they were all gathered on Saturday, the weekly episode of what, as far as many of the Davidsons including Jody were concerned was the greatest television show ever made. Hee Haw. While Roy and Buck sang the opening song, everyone would bicker and talk back and forth, what was better about the show, the music or the humor, what have you, the natural result of 40 people crowded around one rabbit eared television set. But once Hee Haw started, the talking was over. After that, it was all about the love. And so was everything before, really.

~ Brian Holers

The hardest thing about talking to teenagers, I had discovered, was that whatever you said inevitably came across like something an elderly aunt would say at a wedding.

~ Jojo Moyes

Fiction is the poor persons travel agent.

~ L.douglas Muncy

I think we should wean Grandma.

~ Renata Suerth

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!

~ Neil Leckman

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia's son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated way too much for a healthy child; but then Garnett, given his propensity for biting teachers and catching chipmunks in the backyard only to bury them alive, was no normal kid. He was a case study for sociopathic behavior in the making. A walking, talking, farting, sweaty, odorous, chipmunk-burying cry for help.

~ Richard J. O'brien

Sometimes I think I'm an alien that accidentally fell off the mother ship, destined to wander among clueless earthling parents for all eternity.

~ Sarah Ockler

There was nothing I could say in retaliation except something that would confuse her.

~ E. Lockhart

What is your definition of skank?' I ask.'A skank fucks skeezas she barely knows.

~ Megan Mccafferty