Humor Quotes

What’s the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We’re a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What’s your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs... Actually Irondale is the setting of Fannie Flagg’s famous novel Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café. Why’d you enter the Junior Miss Birmingham pageant? To win... to go to State... then Nationals... maybe get the hell out of Alabama.

~ Nadria Tucker

It’s not an ordinary cash wash, Jake,” Jean smiled. “C’est très spécial... et il a un secret!”“I understood special and secret,” Jake said. “That’s about it.

~ Zechariah Barrett

I hated puberty. It had been that horrible stage from child hood, to pre teen, and my stage from ugly, to ugly with menstrual cramps.

~ Melissa Grijalva

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back....Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.

~ William Ritter

Some folks rail against other folks, because other folks have what some folks would be glad of.

~ Henry Fielding

When I envied a man's spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.

~ Zane Grey

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

~ Susan Juby

[on Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins] It was great. I got to hang out with him, and I kept a straight face for a bit and then I started giggling because I know Martin, I don't know Bilbo. For Martin to be sitting there playing Bilbo is amazing. He's going to be amazing, he's going to be fantastic in this film.

~ Benedict Cumberbatch

Film lovers are sick people.

~ François Truffaut

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

~ Robert Rodríguez

The TV shouted an old black-and-white film he didn't recognize, wheelchairs facing it like church pews.

~ Seré Prince Halverson

I've never seen Star Wars or The Godfather, so that would be a good excuse for us to spend a bunch of time together.

~ Lena Dunham

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway)

~ Nicole Mckay

It’s not funny. How would you like it if your balls fled in fear? My balls haven’t been this frightened since I dove into the icy water at the Polar Bear Plunge my first year of high school.

~ K.c. Faelan

Master, don’t. Please.”“Please is a great word–and I intend to please. Me, for sure. Maybe even you.” Lindsey and deVries

~ Cherise Sinclair

Dr. Pervy-PantsDr. DepravityDr. Ain't-Puttin'-OutDr. Bossy-as-FuckDr. Obsessive-CompulsiveDr. KinkybonesDr. DeviantDr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-JeansDr. Lick-My-BootsDr. Smug-as-ShitDr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-NozzleDr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-BigDr. Full-of-ShitDr. Smack-a-LotDr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else

~ Finn Marlowe

That's your mom, right? Pathik smiled. She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

~ Teri Hall

Is Lisa going to the prom?'I shelved my worries for the moment. 'I don't know, Mom. We don't talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.'You could go together, if you didn't want to mess with dates and things.'I don't want to mess with the prom at all, Mom.'She ignored me, placidly eating popcorn, piece by piece.'Some girls in my high school class did that and had a wonderful time. They weren't lesbians or anything. Not that it would matter if they were.'That's nice, Mom. I'm glad you're so open-minded.' I grabbed my Coke and the popcorn bowl and headed for the stairs, because I could go my whole life without ever hearing my mother talk about lesbians again.Maybe you could take Justin to the prom,' she called after me, laughter in her voice. 'He is such a hottie.'Shoot me now.

~ Rosemary Clement-Moore

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.

~ Ben Aaronovitch

Breakfast was the full whammy: eggs, rashers, sausages, black pudding, fried bread, fried tomatoes. This was clearly some kind of statement, but I couldn't work out whether it was See, we're doing just grand without you, or I'm still slaving my fingers to the bone for you even though you don't deserve it, or possibly We'll be even when this lot gives you a heart attack.

~ Tana French

If I had still been an immortal, I might have flirted with her myself. But I was now a sixteen-year-old boy. My mortal form was working its way upon my state of mind. I saw Sally Jackson as a mom—a fact that both consternated and embarrassed me. I thought about how long it had been since I had called my own mother. I should probably take her to lunch when I got back to Olympus.

~ Rick Riordan

My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter.

~ Atom Yang

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

~ Brian Spellman

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world.

~ Elizabeth Hunter

Waldo was not alone by any means in trembling over an unjust plight. With the recent uproar over drunk driving, arrests had skyrocketed and detention centers all around the country were overflowing with bewildered motorists. Many of these dumbstruck, inebriated souls had been transferred and thoughtfully placed behind the same bars that held back murderers and rapists. Unfortunately for our heroes, they now joined the ranks of these luckless citizens.

~ Donald Jeffries

A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn’t see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald.

~ Jon Ronson

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

~ Terry Pratchett

3) Saturday night is the official meeting night of Penny Lane's Lonely Hearts Club. Attendance is mandatory. Exceptions are for family emergencies and bad hair days only.

~ Elizabeth Eulberg

I stepped forward as commanded, wondering which of the many rules I had broken now.

~ Georg Rauch

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

~ Jesse Ball

RULES OF FAIRYLAND-BELOWBEWARE OF DOGANYTHING IMPORTANT COMES IN THREES AND SIXESDO NOT STEAL QUEENSA GIRL IN THE WILD IS WORTH TWO IN CHAINSNECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF TEMPTATIONEVERYTHING MUST BE PAID FOR SOONER OR LATERWHAT GOES DOWN MUST COME UP

~ Catherynne M. Valente

Don't be afraid to make an ass of yourself. I do it all the time, and look what I got. (Spoken at a graduation ceremony while holding aloft an honorary doctoral degree from McGill University)

~ William Shatner

He set the suitcases in the back then tossed her the keys. You drive.She repressed a smile as she climbed behind the wheel. With each passing day, your reasons for wanting a wife become clearer.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

~ Jenny Lawson

I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have...You're so sweet.'...at the moment.

~ Clive Cussler

Even God forgives stupidity. So many married people, heaven would be a ghost town otherwise.

~ Yatin Patel

If I could cook I wouldn’t have to study my ass off at school and I would have tried to find a man to support me as his lovely wife.

~ C.s. James

What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?

~ Jamie Mcguire

I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.

~ Louis E. Boone

There’s never enough time for all the naps you want.

~ Carolyn V. Hamilton