Humor Quotes

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you'd have? One hour? Two hours? Consider the sunk cost on that. It's unacceptable. One minute wasted is one minute too much.

~ Ari Gold

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

~ Faraaz Kazi

Lord Peter Wimsey: Facts, Bunter, must have facts. When I was a small boy, I always hated facts. Thought they were nasty, hard things, all nobs. Mervyn Bunter: Yes, my lord. My old mother always used to say... Lord Peter Wimsey: Your mother, Bunter? Oh, I never knew you had one. I always thought you just sort of came along already-made, so it were. Oh, excuse me. How infernally rude of me. Beg pardon, I'm sure. Mervyn Bunter: That's all right, my lord. Lord Peter Wimsey: Thank you. Mervyn Bunter: Yes indeed, I was one of seven. Lord Peter Wimsey: That is pure invention, Bunter, I know better. You are unique. But you were going to tell me about your mater. Mervyn Bunter: Oh yes, my lord. My old mother always used to say that facts are like cows. If you stare them in the face hard enough, and they generally run away. Lord Peter Wimsey: By Jove, that's courageous, Bunter. What a splendid person she must be. Mervyn Bunter: I think so, my lord.

~ Dorothy L. Sayers

Turns out all it takes to bring enemies to peace is a bigger enemy.

~ Soman Chainani

The Kerguelen Islands in the southern Indian Ocean are a six-day boat ride from Madagascar, and their only inhabitants are French scientists.

~ Cary Mcneal

When it comes to scary business, I believe that forewarned is forearmed.

~ Cary Mcneal

In the Middle Ages, bloodletting was often performed by barbers, which is why the traditional barber’s pole—like the bloody towels that once hung outside barber shops—is colored red and white.

~ Cary Mcneal

The Japanese island of Okunoshima, also called “Rabbit Island” after the many furry inhabitants who live there, was once home to Japan’s poison gas factories. The rabbits are descendants of ones used for chemical testing during World War II.

~ Cary Mcneal

The most isolated inhabited island in the world is Tristan da Cunha, an active volcano located in the middle of the south Atlantic Ocean 1,242 miles (2,000 kilometers) from the nearest land. Tristan da Cunha is Portuguese for “Where the fuck are we?!

~ Cary Mcneal

all fiction is better with explosions' said Jared. 'Basic fact of life.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

When you meet familiarity which demeans true integrity, run away!

~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I'd seriously contemplated a real collar - a sparkly green one - if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

~ Kelley Armstrong

I'm not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

~ Rachel Caine

Frank, I ran into Gladys and Billy at the store yesterday. Do you know what he said to me?The girls went very quiet. Frank didn't look up.Hello? he asked, and kept rubbing Henry's knife.Dotty hit him with her rag. He said that. And so did she. But the important part was when he said, 'Frank ever get that door open?' Do you know what I said? What I said was--Are you ready for this? I said, 'No,'Ah Frank said. He lifted Henry's knife up to his mouth and dabbed the blade with his tongue. That's my honest wife. I appreciate you lookin' out for my dignity.

~ N.d. Wilson

Even though I can’t tell others whether they should chase their marathon dreams, I highly recommend they do something completely out of character, something they never in a million years thought they’d do, something they may fail miserably at. Because sometimes the places where you end up finding your true self are the places you never thought to look. That, and I don’t want to be the only one who sucks at something.

~ Dawn Dais

A typical race morning usually starts out looking like a scene from a zombie movie: individuals or pairs of people walking down a deserted street, all headed in the same direction.... Inevitably, regardless of the weather, U2's Beautiful Day streams out of loudspeakers.

~ Sarah Bowen Shea

I wasn't particularly worried; running is overrated anyway, and sport only makes you sweaty and smug and wears out the knees.

~ Jasper Fforde

And then there's the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders' classrooms at the end of the school day.

~ Sarah Bowen Shea

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

~ Melita Tessy

It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late

~ Josh Stern

At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers.

~ Warren Ellis

I hate to read books but a friend said he read the dictionary and that the Zebra did it.

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

(...) perfectly ordinary books, printed on commonplace paper in mundane ink. It would be a mistake to think that they weren't also dangerous, just because reading them didn't make fireworks go off in the sky. Reading them sometimes did the more dangerous trick of making fireworks go off in the privacy of the reader's brain.

~ Terry Pratchett

I, on the other hand, believe that books, maps, scissors, and Scotch tape dispensers are all unreliable vagrants, likely to take off for parts unknown unless strictly confined to quarters.

~ Anne Fadiman

We considered behaving, but it's against our nature.

~ O.r. Melling

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

~ Garrison Keillor

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

~ P.j. O'rourke

Death is, in fact, oddly pleasant, and certainly an improvement on what comes immediately before it.

~ E.a.a. Wilson

McKenzie was Caroline's primary wingman. They had matching Coach bags to prove it.

~ Amy Lapalme

I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.'That's some catch, that Catch-22,' he observed.'It's the best there is,' Doc Daneeka agreed.Yossarian saw it clearly in all its spinning reasonableness. There was an elliptical precision about its perfect pairs of parts that was graceful and shocking, like good modern art, and at times Yossarian wasn't quite sure he saw it at all, just the way he was never quite sure about good modern art or about the flies Orr saw in Appleby's eyes. he had Orr's word to take for Appleby's eyes.

~ Joseph Heller

We are entrusting thousands of strangers with our innermost thoughts and feelings, and then we're expecting them to be careful with those feelings. As much as we want it to be, the Internet is not a safe space. It is not a place where we can lay our burdens down and heal. Why? Because there are too many people there who do not give an ounce of a shit about our well-being. They do not deserve our rawness, and they will not treat it with care.

~ Luvvie Ajayi

We need a politician who hates politics.

~ Will Adolphy

It is obvious that art cannot teach anyone anything, since in four thousand years humanity has learnt nothing at all.

~ Andrei Tarkovsky

Along with the concept of American Dream runs the notion that every man and woman is entitled to an opinion and to one vote, no matter how ridiculous that opinion might be or how uninformed the vote. It could be that the Borderer Presbyterian tradition of stand up and say your rightful piece contributed to the American notion that our gut-level but uninformed opinions are some sort of unvarnished foundational political truths. I have been told that this is because we redneck working-class Scots Irish suffer from what psychiatrists call no insight.Consequently, we will never agree with anyone outside our zone of ignorance because our belligerent Borderer pride insists on the right to be dangerously wrong about everything while telling those who are more educated to bite my ass!

~ Joe Bageant

I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

~ Charlie Chaplin

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

~ Fred Allen

if lying would be a crime, we would all be in jail right now

~ Pll.

You’ve got this job offer in Charlotte. I know. But if you want, that’s something we can figure out together. I made a commitment to Cameron, so I need to stay in Chicago until she’s back from maternity leave. But after that, I can—” “I didn’t take the job in Charlotte.” “Oh. Right.” He exhaled, trying to catch up to speed. “Well. You should know that I had at least two minutes left on that speech. Really quality stuff.” “Sorry. I just thought this might be a good time to mention that I love you, too.” She made a rolling gesture. “But, please—carry on.” He grinned. Sassy as ever.

~ Julie James