Humor Quotes

People who wear G-strings suffer from indecision.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A guy approached her, beer bottle in one hand, smiling at her in that way guys do when they think they’re good- looking enough to smile and get anything they want. “My friend and I were just talking about what a sausage fest this was, and then you came in.” He ran his appraising gaze down her body, lingering on the V of her neckline.Faith crossed her arms. “That works out, because I’m here for a weenie roast.He put a protective hand over his package—probably without realizing he was doing it—but his smile widened.

~ Cindi Madsen

In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn’t entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That’s a bad thought. I don’t mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn’t exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it.

~ Cindi Madsen

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What's up?

~ Cassandra Clare

It's not lying when you do it to officers!

~ Terry Pratchett

Because I withered under the glare of an actual invitation, I was a firm believer in preventive prevarication--in other words, lying early in order to free myself later on.

~ Rachel Cohn

Realistically, most people have poor filters for sorting truth from fiction, and there’s no objective way to know if you’re particularly good at it or not. Consider the people who routinely disagree with you. See how confident they look while being dead wrong? That’s exactly how you look to them.

~ Scott Adams

I hate that question, “Are you okay?” It’s like asking someone if they think you look fat. You’re almost guaranteed to get a lie.

~ Hilary T. Smith

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

~ Josh Stern

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

~ J.b. Priestley

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

~ Mark Twain

He exhaled in disgust. “High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.

~ Katie Kennedy

And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died.From what?Boredom.

~ Jennifer Donnelly

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

~ Benny Bellamacina

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane!Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.

~ Rob Macgregor

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

~ Stephen King

I made that up. You know Marcus. He got lost once in his own museum.

~ Rob Macgregor

Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?— A very lost Marcus Brody

~ Rob Macgregor

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

~ Rob Macgregor

The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie.

~ Daniel Handler

Our first point of discussion is the hunt. (...) My idea is to start the film with an image of the vixen locked out of her lair which has been plugged up. Her terror as she's pursued across the country. This is a big deal. It means training a fox from birth or dressing up a dog to look like a fox. Or hiring David Attenbrorough, who probably knows a few foxes well enough to ask a favour.

~ Emma Thompson

A new adaptation of Jane Eyre came out every year, and every year it was exactly the same. An unknown actress would play Jane, and she was usually prettier than she should have been. A very handsome, very brooding, very 'ooh-la-la' man would play Rochester, and Judi Dench would play everyone else.

~ Catherine Lowell

Anytime I button my coat, I'm packed.

~ George 'Gabby' Hayes

Prose before hoes, muthafucka! I’ll be right over.

~ David Louden

Oh, right. She doesn’t know your secret identity.” Andy unzipped his sweatshirt and tossed it on a chair. “So, Meg Ryan just sent Tom Hanks a book but…” “No, Meg Ryan just sent NY152 a book, which was then overnighted to Tom Hanks, who lives above Meg Ryan and knows she’s Shopgirl, while she has no idea he’s NY152.” “I’m a little disturbed you know that movie so well.” “It was actually a remake of a 1937 play called Parfumerie by Miklós László.” Paul blew out a breath. “And it’s really not as fun as they made it sound.” “But hey, at least you can say you’ve got mail,” Andy said, chuckling.

~ Mary Jane Hathaway

I sat with my toes buried in the warm yellow sand staring out towards the back door of The East. Pacific Ocean Blue was playing in the background and it had left me in a state of Bohemia as the waves crashed ashore, roaring as loud as lions.

~ David Louden

I rein myself in. I’m already breaking up with the guy. I don’t have to ruin his favorite movie.

~ Philip Siegel

In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven, mainly because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the movies seems to suddenly qualify as an intellectual accomplishment, on a par with reading a book or devoting time to serious thought. It's not that the movies have gotten any more strenuous, it's just that a lot of people are as lazy as I am, and together we've agreed to lower the bar.

~ David Sedaris

I hope that's a good thing,' I said, thinking he might say I reminded him of a film star- then we'd actually have something in common. I was hoping for Anne Hathaway or Julia Roberts, and not the obvious Vivien Leigh. Even Angelina Jolie would have done, though I'd never quite forgiven her for stealing Brad's heart. Talking of Brad, was Sean starting to resemble him too? No, he could never be a Brad, a Matthew McConaughey maybe at a push, but never a Brad Pitt.

~ Ali Mcnamara

Just bear a passing resemblance to a fictional romantic trope I like and I will love you forever. We're all just trying to find the Mark Darcy of our workplace, aren't we?

~ Mindy Kaling

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

~ Chelsea Handler

Before I came here, I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture, I am still confused -- but on a higher level.

~ Enrico Fermi

So, Mr. Mandrake, what is it you plan to do with me this evening?” I asked haughtily. “I presume,” he said, playing along, “that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more…pestiferous acts.”I smiled through the confusion. I’d have to look up that word later.

~ Brandi Salazar

But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn’t help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do.

~ Douglas Adams

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!

~ Lewis Carroll

Presumably, a confused person would be too addled to recognize that he was confused. Ergo, if you know that you are not confused then you are not confused. Unless, it suddenly occurred to me--and here was an arresting notion--unless persuading yourself that you are not confused is merely a cruel, early symptom of confusion. Or even an advanced symptom. Who could tell? For all I knew I could be stumbling into some kind of helpless preconfusional state characterized by fear on the part of the sufferer that he may be stumbling into some kind of helpless preconfusional state. That's the trouble with losing your mind; by the time it's gone, it's too late to get it back.

~ Bill Bryson

I can't name just one example. Then there's only one.

~ Brian Spellman

You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes.

~ Astrid Lindgren