Humor Quotes

Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression “it turns out” to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succinct, and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It’s great. It’s hugely better than its predecessors “I read somewhere that...” or the craven “they say that...” because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight. Anyway, where was I?

~ Douglas Adams

I put the bra in brand, and I top it!

~ Natalya Vorobyova

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho

~ Blaise Pascal

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently

~ Sarah Maclean

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

~ Sarah Maclean

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

~ Betty Dravis

There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.

~ Jane Austen

One can have a wit, but not a witless

~ Brandon Sanderson

Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness.

~ Franny Billingsley

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Once begun upon this downward path, you never know where you are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he thought little of at the time.

~ Thomas De Quincey

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

~ Noël Coward

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

~ Jane Austen

When I'm in love, I can't stand anyone.

~ Stefano Benni

That's what you think of me, is it, girl? said his lordship, a glint in his

~ Georgette Heyer

...it is indeed a street of so impertinent a nature, so unfortunately connected with the great London and Oxford roads, and the principal inn of the city, that a day never passes in which parties of ladies, however important their business, whether in quest of pastry, millinery, or even (as in the present case) of young men, are not detained on one side or other by carriages, horsemen, or carts. This evil had been felt and lamented, at least three times a day, by Isabella since her residence in Bath...

~ Jane Austen

Going to marry her? Impossible! You mean a part of her; he could not marry her all himself. It would be a case, not of bigamy but trigamy; there is enough of her to furnish wives for the whole parish. One man marry her! - it is monstrous! You might people a colony with her; or give an assembly with her; or perhaps take your morning's walk round her, always provided there were frequent resting places, and you were in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her before breakfast, but only got half way and gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the Riot Act and disperse her; in short, you might do anything but marry her!

~ Sydney Smith

Always remember that you can explain things for people, but you can't comphrend for them.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Always remember that you have been called worse things by better people.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Snark is a fabulous defense mechanism.

~ Betsy Schow

A palindrome,” I said the first time she told me. She looked at me, perplexed, and that’s when I knew I could never love her. What a waste of a palindrome she was, that Hannah.-Owen Gentry

~ Colleen Hoover

Being a Gentleman, has more to do with hiding his flaws, than exhibiting the virtues!

~ Ramana Pemmaraju

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all of its own.

~ Terry Pratchett

In retrospect, I am very nearly as sharp as I pretend to be.

~ Lyndsay Faye

It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant.

~ Jane Austen

Does the king know you're back?Nope! I'm trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him. Perhaps a hundred chasmfiends marching in unison, singing an ode to my magnificence.That sounds… hard.Yeah, the storming things have real trouble tuning their tonic chords and maintaining just intonation.I have no idea what you just said.Yeah, the storming things have real trouble tuning their tonic chords and maintaining just intonation.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal.

~ Lee Child

Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!

~ Charlotte Brontë

Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily.'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly.

~ L.m. Montgomery

JACK.I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.ALGERNON.We have.JACK.I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?ALGERNON.The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course.JACK.What fools!

~ Oscar Wilde

Wit penetrates, humor envelops. Wit is a function of verbal intelligence, humor is imagination operating on good nature.

~ Peggy Noonan

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.

~ William Shakespeare

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

~ Zane Stumpo

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

~ Susan Lendroth

I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping.

~ Jane Austen

Magda was reading a book by a Trappist, in a better mood, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingering my useless map.

~ Junot Díaz

You want me to invite him to dinner.” “I want you to invite him to dinner,” she agreed. “You know,” he said, “most gay men don’t have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives.” “That’s probably true,” she said. “You’re one of the lucky ones.

~ Matthew Haldeman-Time

I can't believe you just did that! Are you crazy?I gripped the steering wheel tighter. Why do people keep asking me that?He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. Who else keeps asking you that? Are any of them doctors?

~ Janette Rallison

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

~ Demetri Martin