Humor Quotes

The bristling eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. Mesmerized, the boy watched them disappear under the hanging thatch of white hair. There, almost coyly, they remained just out of sight for a moment, before suddenly descending with a terrible finality and weight.

~ Jonathan Stroud

Wit, after all, is the unfailing symptom of intelligence.

~ Christopher Hitchens

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

~ Alex Potvin

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.

~ George W. Bush

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

~ Jandy Nelson

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that’s the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch)

~ Tim Dorsey

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

~ Steve Kluger

I'll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms. He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor is one more thing I don't think angels should have. The fact that his sense of humor is corny makes it even more wrong.

~ Susan Ee

Good,’ he said. ‘Cause Maggie’s all the nightmare I can take.’I smiled. ‘Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me.’He gave me a one-fingered salute.

~ Jessica Shirvington

Auntie Wu took special pride in two of her accomplishments--the sons she bore and the flowers she grew. They were equally useless, but the flowers smelled better.

~ Kay Honeyman

Yesterday he had limped, but today there was no part of his feet that didn't hurt, so limping did no good.

~ Patrick Rothfuss

Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool?

~ Lindsey Davis

There it was: a full confession. Sherlock Holmes had done it again, and as I marveled at my devastating powers of deduction, I wished there had been two of me so I could have patted myself on the back. I know it sounds arrogant, but how often does one achieve a mental triumph of that magnitude? After listening to her speak just two words, I had nailed the whole bloody thing. If Watson had been there, he would have been shaking his head and muttering under his breath.

~ Paul Auster

If you can't be yours while being mine, maybe you aren't as yours as you'd like to convince yourself that you are.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.Who was the test subject? asked Aurora.I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field.She stared at him. You zapped your own brain?And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

~ Derek Landy

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

~ Derek Landy

She’s like a cross between an onion and donkey,” Farah said.“Why?” Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.“Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

~ Mark A. Cooper

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

~ Derek Landy

Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We are hers to define, we must suffer her adjectives. I think about pearls. Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

~ Margaret Atwood

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

~ Margaret Atwood

Carla was wearing a No Fear sweatshirt. You are too old, Amy wanted to tell her, for legible clothing.

~ Jincy Willett

But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.

~ Darynda Jones

Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.

~ Jasper Fforde

Your brother Jaime keeps losing battles. He gave Sansa an angry look, as if it were her fault. He’s been taken by the Starks and we’ve lost Riverrun and now her stupid brother is calling himself a king.The dwarf smiled crookedly. “All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days.

~ George R.r. Martin

Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

~ Ryan North

Growing older is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

~ Heather Brewer

The boy she'd once loved was gone, and she'd accept it. But even if she didn't want Eric back, he'd hurt her. He was the enemy, and the Universal Girl Code stipulated friends should band together in hating the ****** till death.

~ Melissa Landers

I think I was about to say that if I ever see Eliza again—and the fact that this is even a remote possibility is—I don’t know what it is, a goddamn miracle, maybe? After I kiss her and hold her and let her touch my chest, I’m going to hang her upside down and employ Chinese water torture until she promises never to be so stupid again.

~ Tiffanie Debartolo

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics, this is how we stay objective.

~ Dave Barry

There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch of the ignorance of the community. By carefully chronicling the current events of contemporary life, it shows us of what very little importance such events really are. By invariably discussing the unnecessary, it makes us understand what things are requisite for culture, and what are not.

~ Oscar Wilde

Commenting on print journalism at the Commenting on print journalism at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner: “Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

~ Joel Mchale

It’s true that journalism in reality is not the journalism that we learnt in the university. It is far from it.

~ Nilantha Ilangamuwa

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

~ The Bureau Chiefs

Prison is like high school with knives.

~ Raegan Butcher

You can tell a lot about a country by its prisons. In hippy-dippy Socialist Sweden, rapists and murders (all three of them) while away their days making arts and crafts in what are essentially taxpayer-funded mental health clinics. The Swedes’ theory seems to be that a) anyone who commits such a crime must be crazy and b) with enough art therapy, the individual in question will soon become just another law-abiding, nude-sunbathing pot-smoker. In America, we think people in prison are either the victims of some terrible government conspiracy, the victims of “society”—whatever that means—or heinous evildoers. And if they are heinous enough, we fry them with electricity, unless of course they find Jesus first. The Swedes, in a nutshell, are tolerant and forgiving, verging on the naïve; Americans are religious and vengeful, suspicious of their government, and suckers for tear-jerking tales of redemption.

~ Maureen Klovers

Mari stared at him. Are you telling me that you came to rescue me, following a metaphorical thread through imaginary holes, but now that you're in the same cell with me you can't get us out?Yes, that is correct. This one erred.That one sure did. Now instead of one of us being stuck in here, we're both stuck in here.The Mage gave her a look which actually betrayed a trace of irritation. He must have really been exhausted for such a feeling to show. I do not have much experience with rescues. Are you always so difficult?

~ Jack Campbell

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.

~ William Ritter

There is a tremendous amount of farting in prison.

~ Charlie Engle

I like visiting people in prison. I can say whatever I want to them, and they can’t do anything about it.

~ Brandon Sanderson

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

~ Jack Kerouac