Humor Quotes

Web analytics is like teenage sex:- Everyone talks about it.- Nobody really knows how to do it.- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it.

~ Marcus Österberg

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.

~ Sarah Nicolas

They're really into it, laughing and teasing each other, and I am looking at Pam and thinking once again how she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and that if we were back in the olden times she might have been made into a goddess because she is so beautiful. Sometimes I cannot stop my mind. It's scary.

~ James Howe

Her youngest daughter shrugged. “Ain’t got no money, do we?” “I don’t understand. Why aren’t you pillaging like the rest of your kin?” “It was the Northlands, Da. Ain’t nothin’ to pillage but the crows in the trees.” “And snow,” their eldest added. “Lots and lots of snow.” Bram motioned to his study. “You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t pretty.

~ G.a. Aiken

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

~ Amy Tan

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil bowlegged keeping up with their mischief. I think she'll wake when she tires of it. A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back.

~ Arthur Miller

Storming was one of her main modes of transportation. In reference to teenager Heather in Carry The One

~ Carol Anshaw

I just managed to go around with one of the Great Spells in my head for years without going insane, didn't I?' He considered the last question form all angles.'Yes, you did,' he reassured himself. 'You didn't start talking to trees, even when trees started talking to you.

~ Terry Pratchett

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

~ Bill Vaughn

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The three species of pine native to Wisconsin (white, red and jack) differ radically in their opinions about marriageable age. The precocious jackpine sometimes bloom and bears cones a year or two after leaving the nursery, and a few of my 13-year-old jacks already boast of grandchildren. My 13-year-old reds first bloomed this year, but my whites have not yet bloomed; they adhere closely to the Anglo-Saxon doctrine of free, white, and twenty-one.

~ Aldo Leopold

Once we were alone, Imogen unfolded her hand. In it, she held the key to the chains. I had passed it to her while we were in the embrace. Roden noticed it and scowled. You gave her the key and not me? I could be free already.I smiled at him. Yes, but I wasn't going to kiss you.Fair enough

~ Jennifer A. Nielsen

Nobody actually ever does this—escaping through a window.

~ Kevin James Moore

Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.

~ Les Back

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

It is only about things that do not interest one, that one can give a really unbiassed opinion; and this is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless.

~ Oscar Wilde

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you've felt this autumn-feeling before and you'll probably get to feel it again, but one day you won't anymore, because you'll be dead.

~ Sarah Dunn

Its easy to fall for someone that will find humor in every situation.

~ Nicholas Sparks

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

~ Jimmy Fallon

Did you read the part that says, 'Your hair is like a flock of goats'? How romantic is that? Or that other line, 'Your neck is like the tower of David.' Oh, now, that sounds real attractive! If some guy tried those lines on me, I'm sure I'd fall instantly in love with him.

~ Robin Jones Gunn

Is there some kind of rule for when Sam should be a boy and when he's a Wolf?A Wolf lifts his leg and yellows up the snow. A boy has to use the toilet.And that will work?Only if he needs to pee.

~ Anne Bishop

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

~ Sierra

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.

~ Tina Fey

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first! Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer

~ Mark Twain

The thought of Peter and John Ambrose McClaren in the same space together again is discomforting. Where would I even look?

~ Jenny Han

He told me once that he didn't fear conscription as much as everyone else because the dozen bloodthirsty girls he was leaving behind were far more dangerous.

~ Victoria Aveyard

He hadn’t said a word to me until we had been roommates for eight months. And even then it had only been, “You’re wearing my socks.

~ Melody J. Bremen

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.Oh, they do that! Amy laughs. Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though, is to start with one you're not that bothered about.What is the point in that?

~ Teri Terry

High time he had another tutor,' said Larry. 'You leave the house for five minutes and come back and find him disembowelling Moby Dick on the front porch.' 'I'm sure he didn't mean any harm,' said Mother, ' but it was rather silly for him to do it on the veranda.

~ Gerald Durrell

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about... He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

~ Harper Lee

I glanced over, he was still looking at me. ''Uh... do you need something?''''No.''''Oh, okay.''''It's just...'' he leaned in, ''...you have an onion ring taped to your back.''''...Excuse me?''''There is a ring of onion applied to you back with an adhesive strip.''I searched his eyes, he seemed amused, but sincere.My hand flew to my back with a look of horror and there it was, with ketchup and everything.

~ Maddie Hample

But I didn't. I didn't say anything, if only because I had no idea how to respond to such an overture. If my experience with friends was sparse, what I knew about boys- other than a competitors for grades or class rank- was nonexistent

~ Sarah Dessen

Boys are found everywhere- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerated them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket. A boy is a magical creature- you can lock out of your workshop, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can't get him out of your mind. Might as well give up- he is your captor, your jailor, your boss and your master- a freckled-faced, pint-sized, cat-chasing bundle of noise. But when you come home at night with only the shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new with two magic words- 'Hi, Dad!

~ Alan Beck

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy...well.

~ John Green

I’m doing boy detox. Like a diet, only for my emotional health.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

~ Sam Logan

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

~ Nick Harkaway

one day Satan himself visits, along with his great-grandmother—who is, not surprisingly, a total fucking bitch.

~ David Rakoff

Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away.

~ Michael Bible

I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry. I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.

~ Aisha Tyler