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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

To be clever in the afternoon argues that one is dining nowhere in the evening.

~ Saki

Saki Aphorism Edwardian Humor

Hindoo wisdom long ago regarded the world as the dream of Brahma. Must we hold with Fichte that it is the individual dream of each individual ego? Every fool would then be a cosmogonic poet producing the firework of the universe under the dome of the infinite.

~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Henri-Frédéric Amiel Aphorism Humor Philosophy

Actually Gabriel’s an archangel,” I corrected. “But otherwise, yes.”“Well, that explains why he’s so hard to impress,” said Xavier flippantly

~ Alexandra Adornetto

Alexandra Adornetto Angel Archangel Humor

I want to see the front of you.”“That’s what all the girls say.”“Do you expect me to roll you over? ’Cuz I will.”“Your mate’s not going to like this.”“As if that’s going to bother you?”“True. It actually makes it worth the effort.”With a groan, he shoved his palms into the shimmering silver pool of blood beneath him, and flopped over like the side of beef he was.“Wow,” she breathed.“I know, right? Hung like a horse.”“If you’re really nice—and you live through this—I’ll promise not to tell V.”“About my size.”She laughed a little. “No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

~ J.r. Ward

J.r. Ward Angel Flirting Humor Lassiter Physical Perfection Teasing

Please?” asked the girl.“I AM BUSY. I AM TRYING TO FIX CONTINENTAL DRIFT.”“I…didn’t know it was broken.”Uriel’s face became more animated, his speech faster.“IT HAS BEEN BROKEN FOR FIVE WEEKS AND FIVE DAYS. I THINK IT BROKE WHEN I RELOADED NEW ZEALAND FROM A BACKUP COPY, BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHY. MY SYNCHRONIZATION WAS IMPECCABLE AND THE CHANGE PROPAGATED SIMULTANEOUSLY ACROSS ALL SEPHIROT. I THINK SOMEBODY BOILED A GOAT IN ITS MOTHER’S MILK. IT IS ALWAYS THAT. I KEEP TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO DO IT, BUT NOBODY LISTENS.

~ Scott Alexander

Scott Alexander Angel Humor Tech Support

My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

~ Castiel

Castiel Angel God Humor People Skills

He'd been an angel once. He hadn't meant to Fall. He'd just hung around with the wrong people.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Angel Humor

he was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasionally spent nights at his desk.

~ Leo Tolstoy

Leo Tolstoy Humor Politicians

David Halberstam quoted Lyndon Johnson saying of a staffer: “I want him to kiss my ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses.

~ David Halberstam

David Halberstam Humor Politicians

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

~ P.j. O'rourke

P.j. O'rourke Humor Koalas Politicians

He was harassed, but still he spoke with authority. He was, in fact, characteristic of the best type of dominant male in the world at this time. He was fifty-five years old, tough, shrewd, unburdened by the complicated ethical ambiguities which puzzle intellectuals, and had long ago decided that the world was a mean son-of-a-bitch in which only the most cunning and ruthless can survive. He was also as kind as was possible for one holding that ultra-Darwinian philosophy; and he genuinely loved children and dogs, unless they were on the site of something that had to be bombed in the National Interest. He still retained some sense of humor, despite the burdens of his almost godly office, and, although he had been impotent with his wife for nearly ten years now, he generally achieved orgasm in the mouth of a skilled prostitute within 1.5 minutes. He took amphetamine pep pills to keep going on his grueling twenty-hour day, with the result that his vision of the world was somewhat skewed in a paranoid direction, and he took tranquilizers to keep from worrying too much, with the result that his detachment sometimes bordered on the schizophrenic; but most of the time his innate shrewdness gave him a fingernail grip on reality.

~ Robert Anton Wilson

Robert Anton Wilson Humor Politicians

That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.

~ Erik Bundy

Erik Bundy Demon Humor Liquor Politicians Trickery

Under every stone lurks a politician.

~ Aristophanes

Aristophanes Humor Politicians Politics

A bird in the hand was worth two in the bush, he told her, to which she retorted that a proverb was the last refuge of the mentally destitute.

~ W. Somerset Maugham

W. Somerset Maugham Humor Proverb Proverbs

Out here, it's better safe than sorry, because generally speaking, too much of the time sorry means you're dead.

~ Patricia C. Wrede

Patricia C. Wrede Frontier Life Humor Proverbs Safe Sorry

Are you mad? I ask.I was. He glances at the ceiling then back at me. Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I'd finally met a guy at Underwood I could relate to, and it turns out he wasn't a guy at all.I swallow. I can see how that would be weird. In a way though, I was relieved.Relieved? I echo. Why?He looks around embarrased. Let's just say you had me questioning my sexual orientation.

~ Jody Gehrman

Jody Gehrman Conversation Humor Laugh

Why is it women can never let a man have any fun, they just want to fuss about something.” “They’re practical” Austin said, shaking off some of the water droplets from his hair. “We live in the moment and they think about what’s coming. If they didn’t keep us in check, we’d fuck up the planet”.

~ Dannika Dark

Dannika Dark Austin Chapter 28 Conversation Denver Humor Seven Years Weston Pack

It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

~ Richard Armour

Richard Armour Conversation Humor Monopoly

Horseman. I know you were born back when women were thought of as little more than brood mares and slaves, but it's the twenty-first century, and we can do anything a man does.

~ Larissa Ione

Larissa Ione Feminist Humor

Do you have the tubes to ask me out or not?

~ Charli Frisky

Charli Frisky Feminist Humor

I have a suspicion - and hear me out, 'cause this is a rough one - I have a suspicion that the definition of crazy in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore. The only person I can think of that has escaped the crazy moniker is Betty White, which, obviously, is because people still want to have sex with her.

~ Tina Fey

Tina Fey Feminist Humor

A lady decidedly. Fast? perhaps. Original? undoubtedly. Worth knowing? rather.

~ George Egerton

George Egerton Feminist Humor Women

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

~ Christopher Hitchens

Christopher Hitchens Atheist Cancer Death Humor

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

~ Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Agonosic Atheist Humor

City people. They may know how to street fight but they don't know how to wade through manure.

~ Melina Marchetta

Melina Marchetta City Country Humor Rural Life

Despite my mum being from a small village in the middle of a forest, I'm not a country person. I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers. But sometimes being police means holding your breath and fondling a pig.

~ Ben Aaronovitch

Ben Aaronovitch Bacon Country Humor

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Discworld Humor Humour Nothing

Someone ought to write a novel about me,” said Lebedeva loftily. “I shouldn’t care if they lied to make it more interesting, as long as they were good lies, full of kisses and daring escapes and the occasional act of barbarism. I can’t abide a poor liar.

~ Catherynne M. Valente

Catherynne M. Valente Humor Liars Novels

He shivered. His coat was thin, and it was obvious he would not get his kiss, which he found puzzling. The manly heroes of the penny dreadfuls and shilling novels never had these problems getting kissed.

~ Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman Humor Novels

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. - Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

~ Alisa Steinberg

Alisa Steinberg Alisa Dana Steinberg Humor Novels

Remember where you are and adjust yourself accordingly, not vice-versa ... otherwise, you might be toast.

~ Alisa Steinberg

Alisa Steinberg Humor Novels

Novels include padding; I think padding may be an essential part of the novel, for all I know.

~ Jorge Luis Borges

Jorge Luis Borges Efficiency Humor Novels

Ah, mistress, you’re an angel. Sure there’s not a drop left? I might have remembered one more person….”“Up yours,” I said rudely with another belch. “It’s empty. You should tell me the name anyway, after making me drink all that sewage.”Winston gave me a devious smile. “Come back with a full bottle and I will.”“Selfish spook,” I mumbled, and staggered away.I’d made it a few feet when I felt that distinct pins-and-needles sensation again, only this time it wasn’t in my throat.“Hey!”I looked down in time to see Winston’s grinning, transparent form fly out of my pants. He was chuckling even as I smacked at myself and hopped up and down furiously.“Drunken filthy pig!” I spat. “Bastard!”“And a good eve’in’ to you, too, mistress!” he called out, his edges starting to blur and fade. “Come back soon!”“I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Cat Ghost Hilarious Humor

There is no way I’m going out in public like this!”It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn’t ask where he got the money from, images of old folks with their necks bleeding and their wallets missing dancing in my head. There were boots, earrings, push-up bras, skirts, and something he swore to me were dresses but only looked like pieces of dresses.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Bones And Cat Hilarious Humor

It me birthday and nobody came...Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in they brains. Make a wish, jerks.

~ Graham Roumieu

Graham Roumieu Bigfoot Cryptids Hilarious Humor Roumieu

John shrugged. It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep.Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation.Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Couple Banter Hilarious Humor

There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then.

~ Ari Gold

Ari Gold Ari Gold Beard Funny Grooming Hilarious Humor Rules To Rule By Shaving The Gold Standard

Hmmm... that's interesting.What?There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Awesome Funny Hilarious Humor Humour Make Me Laugh

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin'Now that fucking cunt is dead.

~ Frances Winkler

Frances Winkler Hilarious Humor Limerick Rude

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55. -Sadie RobertsonOh, that's just a suggestion.

~ Si Robertson

Si Robertson Duck Dynasty Funny Hilarious Humor Si Robertson Speed Limit Speeding Uncle Si
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