Humorous Quotes

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That’s my motto.

~ Melissa Mcphail

Jericho stopped him before he left. He slid the ring off his finger and handed it to him. Take this.Asmodeus curled his lip as he shrank back from it. I'm not about to marry your ugly ass, boy. No offense, but you ain't my type. I like my dates with less body hair... and with female parts attached by nature.Jericho let out an aggravated growl. It's not a wedding ring, asshole. It's Berith's ring. You get into trouble you can summon him to help you get out of there.That completely changed his attitude. Oh, hey, that could be worth an engagement to you. Asmodeus grinned as he palmed it. If I'm back in a few hours... well, I don't want to think about that. I might change my mind about doing this. I'm thinking happy thoughts. Creamed dog innards and rotten steak. Yeah. Yum. He vanished.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Borman's dumping urine. Urine [in] approximately one minute. Two lines further along, we see Lovell saying, What a sight to behold!

~ Mary Roach

My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I’m destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it.

~ Amy Holder

Scott had some sort of power, or force field. In essence, he was like fucking gay guy repellant. Not a single gay guy would come anywhere near me, let alone talk to or hit on me when he was around.

~ Jayson James

There is something called the rapture of the deep, and it refers to what happens when a deep-sea diver spends too much time at the bottom of the ocean and can't tell which way is up. When he surfaces, he's liable to have a condition called the bends, where the body can't adapt to the oxygen levels in the atmosphere. All of this happens to me when I surface from a great book.

~ Nora Ephron

Himmlisch ist's wenn ich bezwungen Meine irdische Begier; Aber doch wenn's nich gelungen Hatt' ich auch recht huebsch Plaisir!Loosely translated:It is heavenly, when I overcomeMy earthly desiresBut nevertheless, when I'm not successful,It can also be quite pleasurable.

~ Leo Tolstoy

Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?

~ Erin Bow

It had better be. It doesn't do much when it's soft.

~ Brent Weeks

Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

~ Adam Selzer

There is a tale...It tells of the days when a blight hung over our land. Nothing prospered. Nothing flourished. Not even zucchini would grow.

~ Cameron Dokey

She ran out of her marriage the way a woman can run out of a pair of sandals when she decides to let go and really dash.

~ Stephen King

Try again. No no no, eyes up, eyes up! When you bow to someone you look at them, not at the floor. Don't look at her in the eye though lad, that's rude. And not THERE, either.

~ Stephen Deas

No one could honestly say that a musical makes sense.

~ Siegfried Kracauer

While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that kept him from ever being lost, he'd also learned to concede those rare times when that compass seemed to be temporary disrepair.

~ Clive Cussler

Shut up, you fool...Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.

~ Kale Lawrence

Shut up, Arthur,' said my mother, and he zipped his mouth shut like an infuriating child.Ginger started to laugh. Not at anything in particular, but just because Ginger was stoned.

~ Sarah Winman

They can afford to smile because they all have teeth so dazzling if they dropped them in the snow they'd be lost forever.

~ Frank Mccourt

It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...

~ Mike Carey

I'd much rather have a brain of my own than be popular.

~ Dori Hillestad Butler

Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it proper for us to travel in double harness.

~ Louis L'amour

She batted thoseeyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.

~ Maddie Dawson

Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life.

~ Marie Phillips

There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

~ Gerard De Marigny

From the bow of the canoe she asked, Do you know a rain dance?First I need a virgin.

~ Carl Hiaasen

who me?anita blake seriesby: Laurell K Hamilton

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Well, so you don't get too cocky, I myself often complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle. He puffed out his chest. In pen.

~ Shelly Laurenston

But if anyoneso much as threatened them because of what Kaiahad once done, she would turn the Slumber PartyMassacre into Blood, Bath and Beyond, adocumentary by Kaia Skyhawk.

~ Gena Showalter

Magnanimous of you.'His mouth twitched. 'Mmm. Use more words like that, please. Schoolmistress words. Long, impressive ones.' He'd made the last three words sound like an innuendo.

~ Julie Anne Long

What's with that?” Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. “Just covering his head with his arms? Didn't he see the lawyer in the movie?

~ Jim Butcher

All men are selfish, brutal and inconsiderate--and I wish I could find one.

~ Shulamith Firestone

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

~ Mark Twain

There was not a lot of room for someone like me, who kept the gossip mill running like a hamster wheel.

~ Molly Harper

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

~ John Fante

I am concussed,' I announced, entirely sure of my self-diagnosis.''You're fine,' Takumi said as he jogged back towards me. ''Let's get out of here before we're killed.''''I'm sorry,' I said. ''But I can't get up. I have suffered a mild concussion.''Lara ran out and sat down next to me.''Are you OK?''''I am concussed,'' I said.Takumi sat down with me and looked me in the eye. ''Do you know what happened to you?''''The beast got me.''''Do you know where you are?''''I'm on a triple-and-a-half date.''''You're fine,'' Takumi said. ''Let's go.''And then I leaned forward and threw up on Lara's pants.

~ John Green

For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs.

~ Jillian Eaton

That widow’s peak is preposterous. God. It really makes you feel the sad dearth of widow’s peaks in daily life. We could, like, use him as breeding stock to seed widow’s peaks into the populace.”“My god. What’s with all the mating and seed talk?”“I’m just saying,” Zuzana said reasonably. “I’m crazy about Mik, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do my part for the proliferation of widow’s peaks. As a favor to the gene pool. You would, too, right? Or maybe…” She shot Karou a sidelong glance. “You already have?

~ Laini Taylor

Wakey wakey eggs and bacey!

~ Jayson James

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he'd a reg'lar task to do,He never took no rest..Or if 'twas off and on the same..He done his level best.If he was preachin' on his beat,He'd tramp from east to west,And north to south ..in cold and heat..He done his level best.He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),And land him with the blest;Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,And do his level best.He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray,And dance and drink and jest,He done his level best.Whate'er this man was sot to doHe done it with a zest;No matter what his contract was,He'd do his level best...

~ Mark Twain

It wasn't a lie, not at all like one of those lies she told herself all the time, like This is the last drink of the evening, or I'm not going to set the bitch's house on fire.

~ Melissa De La Cruz