Carl Hiaasen Quotes

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

~ Carl Hiaasen

as a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took. .....

~ Carl Hiaasen

Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact. That's why the world is so messed up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much heartache, and tragedy. Politicians, dictators, kings, phoney-baloney preachers-most of 'em are men, and most of 'em lie like rugs

~ Carl Hiaasen

From the bow of the canoe she asked, Do you know a rain dance?First I need a virgin.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence.

~ Carl Hiaasen

The classroom fell quiet, a long heavy silence that roared in Roy's ears like a train.

~ Carl Hiaasen

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Just because something was legal didn't automatically make it right.

~ Carl Hiaasen

My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons.

~ Carl Hiaasen

That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

~ Carl Hiaasen

He paused and manufactured a chuckle.

~ Carl Hiaasen

To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon.

~ Carl Hiaasen

My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Humor can be an incredible lacerating and effective weapon. And that is the way I use it.

~ Carl Hiaasen

One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to beat Sarah Palin's ignorant nattering on the subject.

~ Carl Hiaasen

I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness.

~ Carl Hiaasen

You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers don't get past the third paragraph you've wasted your energy and valuable ink.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Here's my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then there's this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering.

~ Carl Hiaasen

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines.

~ Carl Hiaasen

My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a soapbox.

~ Carl Hiaasen