Humorous Quotes

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.

~ Eoin Colfer

I laugh. Yer crazy, I says.I was fine till I met you, he says.

~ Moira Young

If you were an animal, what would you be? I wrote, A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.

~ Wells Tower

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

~ Will Cuppy

Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex.

~ Aakash Deep

Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what I wanted was the cigarette.

~ Margaret Atwood

Indeed! I am truly glad to hear it. I always always fond of Osborne; and, do you know, I never really took to Roger; I respected him and all that, of course. But to compare him with Mr. Henderson! Mr. Henderson is so handsome and well-bred, and gets all his gloves from Houbigant!

~ Elizabeth Gaskell

I think that I was too self-centered to ever develop good skills as a peacemaker. In my younger days, I assumed that it was because I was smarter than everyone else, with no patience for explaining things in short words for mouthbreathers who just didn't get it.

~ Cory Doctorow

I really am a little afraid, my dear,” hinted the cherub meekly, “that you are not enjoying yourself?”“On the contrary,” returned Mrs. Wilfer, “quite so. Why should I not?”“I thought, my dear, that perhaps your face might—““My face might be a martyrdom, but what would that import, or who should know it, if I smiled?”And she did smile; manifestly freezing the blood of Mr. George Sampson by so doing. For that young gentleman, catching her smiling eye, was so very much appalled by its expression as to cast about in his thoughts concerning what he had done to bring it down upon himself.

~ Charles Dickens

Then the Miller fell off his horse.

~ Geoffrey Chaucer

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

~ Elaine Raco Chase

Putting the brakes on is not an easy thing for a vamp to do. It's kind of like a shark trying to stop a feeding frenzy, or that old potato chip slogan: Bet you can't eat just one.

~ Jim Grayson

He’s an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I’ve slept with.

~ Lila Shaw

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

~ Flip Wilson

Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.

~ Brian Randleas Harmony

Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...youll live longer! #JustSaying

~ Timothy Pina

Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?Instead of an answer, I was rewarded with a face full of graham cracker cereal and milk. - from Of Cheerleaders and Gingers

~ K.c. Beaumont

My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.

~ Nicole Peeler

In short, we derive support for our preferred conclusions by listening to the words that we put in the mouths of people who have already been preselected for their willingness to say what we want to hear.

~ Daniel M. Gilbert

Bast crouched down and began making weird chittering noises. Uh-oh. She was imitating birds. I'd seen enough cats do this when they were stalking. Suddenly my own obituary flashed in my head: Carter Kane, 14, tragically died in Paris wen he was eaten by his sister's cat, Muffin.

~ Rick Riordan

I sailed on the cold air currents above the rooftops of Paris. I could see the river, the Louvre Museum, the gardens and palaces. And a mouse-yum. Hang on, Carter, I thought. not hunting mice.

~ Rick Riordan

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be….”Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?“I know!” said the prince happily. “You’re a national disgrace!”“And do you know what else is interesting,” I replied. “In America, Prince is a dog’s name.

~ Paul Rudnick

Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.

~ Remy Richard

Oh, it's called, em...' Kate thinks, 'I can't remember what it's called.''You're the same as me,' Dad says to her. 'You've got CRAFT too.''What's that?''Can't. Remember. A. Fuc-

~ Cecelia Ahern

It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.

~ Ken Follett

Eve: I don't understand this word...Freedom. Does it mean...I do what I want?Sven: Yes.Eve: Then I wouldn't have to kill anymore?Sven: No more killing.

~ Kentaro Yabuki

Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.

~ Janet Mullany

One thing I’d realized in the last year was that there were some things no one could give you permission to do. All the same, it didn’t mean you couldn’t or shouldn’t do them— particularly when it came to the big things, like saving the world, or journeying to a supernatural seam between realities, or bringing your boyfriend back from the dead.

~ Kami Garcia

May we do it again? She sounds remarkably bright and cheerful. 'And I didn't bleed. My mother said I would experience great agony.''Half an hour.''I beg your pardon? Your mumbling.'Eyes closed, I attempt to enunciate a little more clearly. 'In half an hour or so. Probably. And your mother was misinformed.''What am I suppose to do in the meantime?''Oh. Read a Sermon. Embroider something

~ Janet Mullany

Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain and discomfort that they could easily avoid, and the other half muttering meaningless mumbo jumbo in empty churches at all hours of the day and night. They deliberately shunned anything good—girls, sports, feasting and family life.

~ Ken Follett

I regret it is not possible to marry by post.

~ Janet Mullany

This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).

~ Rick Gualtieri

I think I’m coming up on the ess curve, so I’m going to hang up and concentrate on driving. In the snow. Which wasn’t supposed to happen until tomorrow afternoon.Gee, Kels, I didn’t know you believed in the weatherman. Do you still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, too? How about the Easter Bunny?All right. Point taken.

~ Lani Aames

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

~ Janet Mullany

Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices — crawl out of the pit, or wallow and die. To wallow or not to wallow? That was the question. Look at Scarlett O’Hara. Did she cry and whine when Rhett walked out the door not giving a damn? Well, okay, she did. But not for long, I’ll bet. Not Scarlett. Same story here, baby, same story here.

~ Karen Cantwell

But I regret to inform you that you are probably not dying''As you will.' I take a swig from the bottle of brandy, my teeth chattering against it. I don't have the energy to argue; I must save my strength for my imminent demise.

~ Janet Mullany

Of course, you won't confirm or deny it, which means I'm probably right, since if I was wrong, you'd be gloating about it.

~ Keith R.a. Decandido

I mumble my vows, Shad mutters his, and I wonder what would happen if I lunged for the door like a wild animal seeking its freedom. I could probably outrun his one-legged friend, but Shad has something of the greyhound about him.

~ Janet Mullany

In truth, he had always considered the sight of men eating croissants slightly ridiculous, especially at the beginning, when for the first bite they had to maneuver the point of the crescent into their mouths. No matter what a person did, he ended up with an asymmetrical mouthful of pastry, which he then had to relocate with his tongue to a more central location. This made him look less purposive than he might. Also, croissants were more apt than other breakfast foods to spray little flakes all over one’s clean dark suit. Art himself had accordingly never ordered a croissant in any working situation, and he believed that attention to this sort of detail was how it was that he had not lost his job like so many of his colleagues.

~ Gish Jen

... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.

~ Terry Pratchett