Humour Quotes

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands... that can do your brain.

~ Ivan Stoikov

Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'.

~ Jasper Fforde

Archie Henderson has won no awards, written no books and never played any representative sport. He was an under-11 tournament-winning tennis player as a boy, but left the game when he discovered rugby where he was one of the worst flyhalves he can remember. This did not prevent him from having opinions on most things in sport.His moment of glory came in 1970 when he predicted—correctly as it turned out—that Griquas would beat the Blue Bulls (then still the meekly named Noord-Transvaal) in the Currie Cup final. It is something for which he has never been forgiven by the powers-that-be at Loftus. Archie has played cricket in South Africa and India and gave the bowling term military medium a new and more pacifist interpretation. His greatest ambition was to score a century on Llandudno beach before the tide came in.

~ Archie Henderson

We also wish to make it absolutely clear that Librarians should not attempt to use the Library to transport dinosaur eggs. And if they do disregard this rule, under no circumstances should they draw official in-world attention while doing so. In fact, we wish to remind all Librarians that they are here to collect books, not dinosaurs. Those Librarians who have problems distinguishing between the two should take a refresher course in Library basics.

~ Genevieve Cogman

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

~ Bashar

Could be. I’m a pretty dangerous dude when I’m cornered.”“Yeah,” said the voice from under the table, “you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.

~ Douglas Adams

He hated being filled with terror. It was embarrassing.

~ Rick Riordan

I think I’ll give the Cage of Death a miss too,” I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me.

~ Renee Conoulty

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When last did you thank God? When last did you appreciate him? Some people are just busy praying for more things they need God to do. The best way to pray is by thanking God first for the things He has already done in your life. For the remaining job in your life, He knows how to finish it.

~ Patience Johnson

Stop telling God what you want to have , He is going to use what you have left to give you what you need.

~ Patience Johnson

I have lived long enough to see God make my enemies my footstool not even footsteps.

~ Patience Johnson

The task is not in getting the healing the task is in what will you do with your healing. The task is not in seeing the light the task is in what will you do with the light. It is when you have choices that God can see who you really are not when you are without.

~ Patience Johnson

Question: when you picture Jesus ministering to others, how do you see Him? Certainly not with the stressed-out, hurry-up attitude we often have. Don’t you get an image of Him ministering in a quiet, tranquil peace? That’s a trait you need to develop too. As ambassadors of Christ we need to become more like our Master in dealing with others. Paul writes, ‘Live in peace, and [then] the God of love [Who is the Source of affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence toward men] and the Author and Promoter of peace will be with you.’ When you resort to force, argument, intimidation, anger, and coercion, you’re on your own. But when you demonstrate affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence towards people, God has promised to be with you

~ Patience Johnson

Unless you acknowledge your vulnerability for sin, you won’t pray against it and you’ll end up experiencing defeat. The most effective weapon the enemy has against you - is you

~ Patience Johnson

Satan can’t prevail against you when you know God’s Word and stand on it. So have your ‘It is written’ armour ready. Build yourself up on the Word of God before the attack comes.

~ Patience Johnson

If you are landing it doesn't really matter who is sitting beside you but while you are taking off, it is very important you know who is around you. Eagles don't flock with pigeons.

~ Patience Johnson

Any bridge you refuse to burn gives Satan an invitation and re-entry point into your life.

~ Patience Johnson

Unanswered prayer is God’s gift … it protects us from ourselves. If all our prayers were answered we’d abuse the power … use prayer to change the world to our liking, and it would become hell on earth. Like spoiled children with too many toys and too much money, we’d grab for more. We’d pray for victory at the expense of others … intoxicated by power we’d hurt people and exalt ourselves. Isaiah said, “The LORD longs to be gracious to you … therefore He waits” (Isaiah 30:18 NASB). Unanswered prayer protects…breaks…deepens and transforms. Past unanswered prayers which left us hurt and disillusioned, act like a refiner’s fire to prepare us for future answers.’ Bottom line: pray with the right motives!

~ Patience Johnson

God sends the best to those who deserves it.

~ Patience Johnson

Christianity is not for seasonal use, it is for daily use. Make the word of God your daily Language.

~ Patience Johnson

Take anything that is above you to God, lift it, bless it and release it and see what God will do.

~ Patience Johnson

I believe that to be kept from evil is better than to be healed from sickness.

~ Patience Johnson

Any prophet who does not refer you to christ is not a true prophet.

~ Patience Johnson

What you need to succeed is already there, just lean on God. For your faith's sake, God can still disappoint the devil.

~ Patience Johnson

You can't stop satan from doing his job; his job is to steal, kill and destroy but don't let him stop you from doing your own job; and your job is to bind and lose his stronghold. His job is to destroy you and your job is to destroy him too. Cast him out.

~ Patience Johnson

When you go nearer to God, He shows you what to do, He tells you when to do it and He backs whatever He promised.

~ Patience Johnson

There must be a demand, there must be an urge and there must be a will and where there is a demand and a will, there will also be a way.

~ Patience Johnson

If you are looking for bad news ask new york times or CNN, if you are looking for good news ask me. I am an ambassador of good news.

~ Patience Johnson

I do not need to grow up or train in the gym in order to beat the devil, when I know that my God can beat him for me.

~ Patience Johnson

Nobody is too holy for the devil's attack, even your tithes and offerings won't stop him either but God rebukes the devourer through your giving.

~ Patience Johnson

When you leave where God is sending you to somewhere else, your star will varnish. A lesson to learn here....don't go to Herod's house when you are looking for Jesus.

~ Patience Johnson

You can win war without fighting and you must not fight a war in order to win. The battle is of the Lord.

~ Patience Johnson

Some people are in church but not in christ because if you are in christ, the first sign of true christianity is peace.

~ Patience Johnson

Man may change, government may change, people may change but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

~ Patience Johnson

If the word of God cannot do it in your life then your Pastor must be wasting his time.

~ Patience Johnson

It is not your duty to run from the devil but resist him and he will flew from you.

~ Patience Johnson