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Humour Quotes

Humour quote from classy quote

New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period.Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes andin your pants.

~ Libba Bray

Libba Bray Beauty Queens Humour Libba Bray

I can lie about my name, I can lie about my school, but how am I going to lie about this fucking nose? You seem like a very nice person Mr. Porte-Noir, but why do you go around covering the middle of your face like that? Because suddenly it has taken off, the middle of my face! Because gone is the button of my childhood years, that pretty little thing that people used to look at in my carriage, and lo and behold, the middle of my face has begun to reach out towards God. Porte-Noir and Parsons my ass, kid, you have got J-E-W written right across the middle of your face...

~ Philip Roth

Philip Roth Humour Jew

If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!

~ Sheri Cobb South

Sheri Cobb South Gambling Humour Orphans

Mr. Brundy, you are no doubt as well acquainted with my circumstances as I am with yours, so let us not beat about the bush. I have a fondness for the finer things in life, and I suppose I always will. As a result, I am frightfully expensive to maintain. I have already bankrupted my father, and have no doubt I should do the same to you, should you be so foolhardy as to persist in the desire for such a union. Furthermore, I have a shrewish disposition and a sharp tongue. My father, having despaired of seeing me wed to a gentleman of my own class, has ordered me to either accept your suit or seek employment. If I married you, it would be only for your wealth, and only because I find the prospect of marriage to you preferable –but only slightly!- to the life of a governess or a paid companion. If, knowing this, you still wish to marry me, why, you have only to name the day.”Having delivered herself of this speech, Lady Helen waited expectantly for Mr. Brundy’s stammering retraction. Her suitor pondered her words for a long moment, then made his response.“’ow about Thursday?

~ Sheri Cobb South

Sheri Cobb South Humour Marriage Proposal

I do think your brother grows more peculiar every day,' I complain to Edward when he comes to my rooms in Whitehall Palace to escort me to dinner.'Which one?' he asks lazily. 'For you know I can do nothing right in the eyes of either. You would think they would be glad to have a York on the throne and peace in Christendom, and one of the finest Christmas feasts we have ever arranged; but no: Richard is leaving court to go back north as soon as the feast is over, to demonstrate his outrage that we are not slogging away in a battle with the French, and George is simply bad tempered.

~ Philippa Gregory

Philippa Gregory Humour

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Aphorism Humour Violence

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

~ Nigel Slater

Nigel Slater Food Humour

So you're a fellow mercenary, then.Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Convenience Humour Mercenary Professional Courtesy Reality Television Violence

Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.Actually I'm finished.In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?After a fashion....I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Engineering Humour Semantics Time Machine

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Crime Evasive Action Humour Military Sci Fi

Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.

~ Terry Jones

Terry Jones Humour

Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is think.I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Intelligence Military Thinking

Never be a pioneer. It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion.

~ Saki

Saki Humour

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Sci Fi Stealing Warship

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?Just the ones that I've highlighted.I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Language Legalese Vocabulary

Sion calls Anne an eel, he calls her a slippery dipper from the slime, and he remembers what the cardinal had called her: my serpentine enemy. Sion says, she goes to it with her brother; he says, what, her brother George? ‘Any brother she's got. Those kind keep it in the family. They do filthy French tricks, like –’‘Can you keep your voice down?’ He looks around, as if spies might be swimming by the boat.‘– and that's how she trusts herself she don't give in to Henry, because if she lets him do it and she gets a boy he's, thanks very much, now clear off, girl – so she's oh, Your Highness, I never could allow – because she knows that very night her brother's inside her, licking her up to the lungs, and then he's, excuse me, sister, what shall I do with this big package – she says, oh,don't distress yourself, my lord brother, shove it up the back entry, it'll come to no harm there.

~ Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel Humour

Enough of that, you damned conspirators, you will have us hanged a great deal sooner than we will.

~ Naomi Novik

Naomi Novik Humour

Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Last Resort Mercenaries Rules To Live By Violence

How did you . . . pass the time?’ Sunday asked. ‘You couldn’t just ching out of it, could you?’‘We had a different form of chinging,’ Eunice said. ‘An earlier type of virtual-reality technology, much more robust and completely unaffected by time lag. You may have heard of it. We called it “reading”.

~ Alastair Reynolds

Alastair Reynolds Humor Humour Reading

She’d never been any kind of camper, never had been good at relieving a full bladder on a whim. Never had quite figured out that squat; it seemed like she’d always wet her right foot.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Humour

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Bridge Crossings Humour Subverted Saying Violence

That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant.Well, the elephant started it.That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up.-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Elephant Fighting Humour Orders

No! Wait! I've got a better idea...Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.And your point is...Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Idea Necessary Suggestion Violence

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Fur Hologram Humour Itchiness Mean Sci Fi

I was proud to be brown in my own way. Well, I was at school; at school I was brown about the funky stuff that came with being vegetarian, like being really arrogant about it, declaring proudly to a room full of beefeaters when Mad Cow disease initially broke that it was 'Vishnu's way of telling y'all to stop eating and start worshipping'.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Humour Vegetarianism

Are you done briefing the company yet?We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet.Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company Tagon's Toughs.Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Confusion Heroics Humour Introductions Mercenaries Taking Charge Time Travel

Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Doctor Dysmorphia Humour Sci Fi Size

Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Doublethink Headache Humour

I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Contagious Humour Morality

Right, then.” He pointed across to a bank of phones against the wall. “If you want to check your voice mail, now’s the time.”“Where’s my phone?”“Out of service.”“It was fine in the car.”“It’s not fine now.”“What’d you do to it?”“Put it out of our misery. I’m sorry, Kate. But every minute it’s on, you’re traceable to within the length of a football field, anywhere on the planet.

~ Jennifer Lee Carrell

Jennifer Lee Carrell Humour

AAAAIIIE!You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?-Sergeant Schlock

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Humour Shock Thing Vague

Ruby poked at her rice, her mind racing. Perhaps he'd mistaken her for someone who had done a massage course or was qualified to give spriritual advice. She could only give advice on spirits, and only then if they were alcoholic.

~ Lia Weston

Lia Weston Humour

The Hamians!'The centurion‟s voice was little better than a squeak. Julius snorted his disdain.'What about the Hamians? Useless bow-waving women. All they‟re good for is hunting game. There‟s a war on, in case you hadn‟t noticed. We need infantrymen, big lads withspears and shields to strengthen our line. Archers are no bloody use in an infantry cohort.'He raised his meaty fist. 'No, mate, you‟re going to get what‟s coming your way.'The other man gabbled desperately, staring helplessly at the poised fist.'There‟s two centuries of them, two centuries. Take them and the Tungrians and that‟s two hundred and fifty men.'Marcus spoke, having stood quietly in the background so far.'So we could make a century of the best of them, dump the rest on the Second Cohort when we catch up with them and take back the century he sold them in return.'Julius turned his head to look at the younger man, keeping the transit officer clamped inplace with seemingly effortless strength.'Are you mad? There won‟t be a decent man among them. They‟ll be arse-poking,make-up-wearing faggots, the lot of them. All those easterners are, it‟s in the blood. They‟ll mince round the camp holding hands and tossing each other off in the bathhouse.

~ Anthony Riches

Anthony Riches Humour

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Fur Humour Itchiness Sci Fi Shaving Suggestion

Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station talks to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside.How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?I had one on me.

~ Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Handiness Humour Making Do Radio Jammer Sci Fi

Anand finished up his cola cube transaction. I stepped up and slammed three pound coins on the counter like an oppressed inner-city youth born with the skills of rhythm and rhyme.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Humour

Yo, bredren, we be the illest,' went my proclamation. 'We be the dopest,' Anand would follow. 'Our tunes are going to be good,' Nishant would finish with.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Humour

Tell me about Gang Starr,' said Nishant, in an effort to start a conversation I'd be interested in. 'One MC, one DJ...' 'Classic combo,' Anand affirmed.'No hype man?''No.''What do we need Anand for?' Nishant shrugged, ever the pragmatist, never the catcher of feelings.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Humour

While 'Rap Trax!' recorded, Neel found some scrap paper and we started writing our first lyrics. Bandying about subject matter and title, we got stuck on the idea of 'cool', so my first rap song became 'Pretty Cool'. It was a symbol of our confidence. We weren't awesome cool or mega cool. We were only... pretty cool.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Cool Humour

We'd taken up our positions on the benches between the school hall and a newly-installed outdoor basketball court. Being hip-hoppers, we were obliged to be obsessed with basketball. None of us had a ball.

~ Nikesh Shukla

Nikesh Shukla Basketball Hip Hop Humour
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