Humour Quotes

Of course, owls on the loose seemed strange to the uninitiated. One day an electrician came to work on the building's power supply, when, seemingly out of nowhere, an owl flew around a corner right at him. The poor guy let out an unearthly scream and hit the floor, covering his head and yelling in Spanish.

~ Stacey O'brien

Ah, but surely you must now be saying, waitaminute, tuna fish would go bad if you kept it in your pocket for weeks and weeks without refrigerating it.To that I simply say: You obviously haven't read Professor P.S. Schackman's informative book How to Keep Tuna Fish in Your Pocket for Weeks and Weeks Without it Going Bad. I suggest you read it before complaining about the tuna situation again.

~ Jason Carter Eaton

I love Prada. Not so much the clothes, which are for malnourished thirteen-year-olds, but I covet, with covety covetousness, the shoes and handbags. Like, I LOVE them. If I was given a choice between world peace and a Prada handbag, I'd dither. (I'm not proud of this, I'm only saying.)

~ Marian Keyes

My mother tells me I do not chew my food enough; she says I am making it harder for my body to get the essential nutrients it needs. If she were here, I would remind her that I am eating a blueberry Pop-Tart.

~ Joe Dunthorne

The pig winks and rolls in the bog. He kicks his legs up and his trotters clack together. The sun is low over the neighbourhood. There is the smell of oncoming night, of pollen settling, the sounds of kids fighting bath time. Lester comes down, waving his hands.Don't drown the pig, Fish. We're saving him for Christmas! We're gonna eat him.No!I'll drink to that, says the pig.Lester stands there. He looks at Fish. He looks at the porker. He peeps over the fence. The pig. The flamin' pig. The pig has just spoken. It's no language that he can understand, but there's no doubt. He feels a little crook, like maybe he should go over to that tree and puke. I like him, Lestah.He talks?Yep.Oh, my gawd.Lester looks at his retarded son again and once more at the pig.The pig talks.I likes him.Yeah, I bet.The pig snuffles, lets off a few syllables: aka sembon itwa. It's tongues, that's what it is. A blasted Pentecostal pig.And you understand him?Yep. I likes him.Always the miracles you don't need. It's not a simple world, Fish. It's not.

~ Tim Winton

Writing is like a lump of coal. Put it under enough pressure and polish it enough and you might just end up with a diamond. Otherwise, you can burn it to keep warm.

~ A.j. Dalton

Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more missions and see what happens?I don't want to.Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs? Major Major said. That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks.I don't want to fly milk runs. I don't want to be in the war anymore.Would you like to see our country lose? Major Major asked.We won't lose. We've got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed.But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn't I?

~ Joseph Heller

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I'm no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana's virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a perineum is to do with glacial moraine.

~ Joe Dunthorne

Who's got a mirror?” I ask. Spider shrugs at me. “We're all fellas. Why would any of us have mirrors?”“I've got a mirror!” Brandon declares happily, digging a compact out of his pocket. No-one is surprised.

~ Melanie Tushmore

I swiftly discovered that there are few things in DIY (and possibly life) that can't be solved with a large mallet, a bag of ten-centimetre nails and some swearing.

~ Monty Halls

I can't help suspecting, that there is, or may be some regurgitation from the bath into the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a felicate beveridge is quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with the sweat and the dirt, and dandriff; and the abominable of various kinds, from twenty different diseased bodies, parboiling in the kettle below.

~ Tobias Smollett

I find that the old Roman baths of this quarter, were found covered by an old burying ground, belonging to the Abbey; through which, in all probability, the water drains in its passage; so that as we drink the decoction of the living bodies at the Pump-room, we swallow the strainings of rotten bones and carcasses at the private bath - I vow to God, the very idea turns my stomach!

~ Tobias Smollett

Seducing Jordana was solid – she's got such high standards – but when I finally got the snogs in it was all worth it. I transform Jordana's blather into high-level discourse: Lounging in a post-osculatory glow, I knew that all those months of hard chivalry had been worthwhile.

~ Joe Dunthorne

Doesn’t he look just like a ring wraith?” she said thoughtfully. “Are you kidding?” replied Cathy, “I most certainly won't be carol singing at your door this Christmas if you've got one of those ugly things hanging on it!” “No, from Lord of the Rings,” said Sue impatiently. “I'm sorry,” snorted Cathy, “I don't watch pornographic material. “Have you never read a book?!” Sue snapped. “It's about a small man who travels through dangerous lands to drop a ring into a volcano, it's a classic.” “Does sound like a small man,” she replied, “can't even face his marriage problems full on.

~ Paul Baxter

Hi!'The chirpy little voice greeted me with such energised enthusiasm it made me jump nearly a foot out of my seat. I turned around, expecting to see the usual cocky little Bezzer-in-training Tyler, who every once in a while enjoys pissing off as many people on the bus as possible, but to my surprise it was the scruffy little quiet Year 7 who sits at the front of the bus with his big orange hair bouncing around.'Hello,' I replied dubiously. (You can't assume that a kid isn't intending to give you grief just because he has ginger hair, not these days. What is the world coming to?)

~ Tom Clempson

A married man is just a single man who couldn’t say no.

~ Colin Tegerdine

He stopped at the gate on his way back to the temple, where Gracilis, the Twentieth’s hard-case wolf hunter from the Campanian mountains, was supervising the strengthening of the defences.‘Take some men and tear down the huts along the west wall. And while you’re at it, clear everything for a javelin throw in front of this gate. I want a killing ground from there to about there.’Gracilis grinned and saluted. Like all legionaries, the only thing he liked better than fighting and drinking was destroying someone else’s property. ‘Should we burn them, sir?’ he said hopefully. Valerius shook his head. No point in creating smoke to warn the enemy. ‘Just break them up and add them to the barriers.

~ Douglas Jackson

I am one of those servants – butlers usually – who respectfully points out when their master is about to do something stupid: You should probably only burn the document once the blackmail has been completed, m' lady.

~ Joe Dunthorne

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

~ Frankie Boyle

If you really want space on public transport you should carry some pornography from the 1970s and a pair of children's safety scissors, then delicately cut out all the eyes of the glamour models whilst whistling. Every now and again mutter, 'Why are women more beautiful when they are eyeless?' You will be able to stretch out, though this can have ramifications such as ending up on a police list or being run out of town.

~ Robin Ince

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

~ Elizabeth Sharp

Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit.

~ Alan Partridge

C'mon. I'll show you.Thou speakest strange! Pearl said.So do thou! I said.Thee!Thou! I said.

~ Eileen Favorite

I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

~ Bill Hicks

It's a long story. Want a refill?No, let's start the steak. Where's the button?Right here.Well, push it.Me? You offered to cook.Ben Caxton, I will lie here and starve before I will get up to push a button six inches from your fingerAs you wish. He pressed the button. But don't forget who cooked dinner.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better taught than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic feats that are generally impossible and always useless. This is the sort of instruction one receives: 'Press your tonsils against the underside of your larynx. Then with the convex part of the septum curved upwards so as almost but not quite to touch the uvula try with the tip of your tongue to reach your thyroid. Take a deep breath and compress your glottis. Now without opening your lips say Garoo.' And when you have done it they are not satisfied.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Get down,' Bunty says grimly. 'Mummy's thinking.' (Although what Mummy's actually doing is wondering what it would be like if her entire family was wiped out and she could start again.)

~ Kate Atkinson

Cuba may be the only place in the world where you can be yourself and more than yourself at the same time

~ Pedro Juan Gutiérrez

Human relations, at least between the sexes, were carried on as relations between countries are now - with ambassadors, and treaties. The parties concerned met on the great occasion of the proposal. If this were refused, a state of war was declared.

~ Virginia Woolf

So then do you think it's true that he killed someone? And what about the part where he wishes he could die?If it IS true that he killed someone, that's bad.In any case, it seems like something is bothering Shuji was now a contender for the Understatement of the Century.

~ Mizuki Nomura

There's an emergency link to the defence grid, but that's only for use in the direst emergencies. And of course a mile-long unknown intruder approaching your main source of power isn't an emergency? Karan hesitated, his chins wobbling slightly with their own momentum. It'll take time, but I could access the defence grid's sensor logs for that sector... I won't tell if you don't.

~ David A. Mcintee

It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse.

~ Christopher Hitchens

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research.

~ Will Self

What would the new teacher, representing France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing valuable about railroading. Steamshipping? No. France has no superiorities over us in that matter. Steamboating? No. French steamboating is still of Fulton's date--1809. Postal service? No. France is a back number there. Telegraphy? No, we taught her that ourselves. Journalism? No. Magazining? No, that is our own specialty. Government? No; Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Nobility, Democracy, Adultery the system is too variegated for our climate. Religion? No, not variegated enough for our climate. Morals? No, we cannot rob the poor to enrich ourselves.

~ Mark Twain

Has anyone sen Mr Snark I saw him in the tunnel about 15 minutes ago. Oh no wailed Dr Ferman he will have been atomised. Oh dear muttered an MP. Bye-election.

~ Alexander Mccall Smith

The strong man lit a cigarette. It looked too frail for his hand. They looked like King Kong and Fay Wray, that hand, that cigarette. There was a movie going on right under his nose and he didn't even know. The guy had about one brain cell and he was doing time in it.

~ Rupert Thomson

I'm so lucky to have a family, adopted or not! I'm so lucky to be alive! Judy Ellis Taylor tells her three school-age girls.... They roll their eyes.

~ Shireen Jeejeebhoy

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother’s house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste.

~ Robert Clear

Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to enjoy puns, think puns, just as much as me. The problem is people don't really like puns any more, so I worry I've rendered the poor fuckers virtually unemployable.

~ Frank Skinner

I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!

~ C. Joybell C.