Humour Quotes

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

~ Bob Hope

They made for his noise far quicker than he had expected. They were frightfully angry. Quite apart from the stones no spider has ever like being called Attercop, and Tomnoddy of course, is insulting to anybody.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

Stone me, what a life!

~ Tony Hancock

When will the Home Office realize that when judges retire, not only are they sent home for the rest of their lives, but the only people they have left to judge are their innocent wives.''So what are you recommending?'asked Alex as they walked into the drawing room.'That judges should be shot on their seventieth birthday, and their wives granted a royal pardon and given their pensions by a grateful nation.''I may have come up with a more acceptable solution,' suggested Alex.'Like what? Making it legal to assist judges' wives to commit suicide?''Something a little less drastic,' said Alex.

~ Jeffrey Archer

Necessity is a mother.

~ David Carr

Oh be careful! There they go again! said the old queen as his string broke spilling his balls over the floor.... Stop them will you, James, you worthless old shit! Don't just stand there and let the master's balls roll into the coal-bin!

~ William S. Burroughs

Do not oversleep and miss the school bus-you'll be late.That's a habit teachers generally don't appreciate. Never tell your friends at school that you still wet your bed.They are sure to tease you, and you'll wish that you were dead.Never call your teacher a name when she's not near you.Teachers' ears are excellent, so they can always hear you.Do not read a textbook when your hands aren't clean-it's trickyto separate the pages when the pages get real sticky.When you go out for a team it's always wise to practice.When you are a substitute, the bench can feel like cactus.Do not copy homework from a friend who is a dummy.If you do, I'm sure that you will get a grade that's crummy.And if your report card's bad, don't blame it on your buddy.Kiss up to your parents quick, or they might make you study.

~ Bruce Lansky

Here's a health to our Captain, so gallant and freeWhether stuck on a rock or asleep 'neath a treeOr rolled in the arms of some nymph of the seaWhich is where we would all like to be, man!

~ Margaret Atwood

I don’t know whether Asimov realized he was saying this as well, but as an old historical materialist, if only as an afterthought, he must have realized that he was saying too: No one here will ever look at you, read a word you write, or consider you in any situation, no matter whether the roof is falling in or the money is pouring in, without saying to him- or herself (whether in an attempt to count it or to discount it), 'Negro...' The racial situation, permeable as it might sometimes seem (and it is, yes, highly permeable), is nevertheless your total surround. Don’t you ever forget it...! And I never have.

~ Samuel R. Delany

Mrs. Trotter made a sincere though wrong sound, while opening her handbag to look for help.

~ Patrick White

I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.

~ Robert Clark

News of the death of James V on 14 December gave even further cause for rejoicing, because his heir was a week-old girl, the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. Scotland would be subject to yet another weakening regency—it had endured six during the past 150 years—and should give no further trouble.

~ Alison Weir

Hey, the ubiquitous Leak-Cam is to 2010 as the bottom-of-the-screen news ticker was to late 2001: What you're seeing beneath the news anchor or talking head may not actually include any new information, but you feel like you're watching something dramatic.

~ Jim Geraghty

There's a hero in all of us, it merely needs the right incentive.

~ Carol Salter

[a]nd the Pig Man came in from Waitomo and swore that if Louisa didn't marry him he'd damn well vote Labour at the next ele

~ Ruth Park

The announcer, in milky tones, rolled out the commercial; it was all about some sort of washing powder that made laundry days a mere frolic in the backyard

~ Ruth Park

Lucas took a tentative sip of his coffee. It tasted like an otter had pissed in a tea urn and it had been left to go stale over a prolonged period.

~ Adam Maxwell

If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.”“My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on,” said Simon. “Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?

~ Seanan Mcguire

I could say the last of my doubts about taking the house vanished right there, but it wouldn’t be true. They did, however, close their suitcases and check the bus schedule.

~ Delia James

His only mistake, naturally enough, was to keep his attention on the bloke with the saw. He should have been watching the naked girls. Amazing how finely balanced that choice can be.

~ Mark Huntley-James

It was a morning when all nature shouted Fore! The breeze, as it blew gently up from the valley, seemed to bring a message of hope and cheer, whispering of chip-shots holed and brassies landing squarely on the meat. The fairway, as yet unscarred by the irons of a hundred dubs, smiled greenly up at the azure sky; and the sun, peeping above the trees, looked like a giant golf-ball perfectly lofted by the mashie of some unseen god and about to drop dead by the pin of the eighteenth.

~ P.g. Wodhouse

We may be pilgrims passing through this world, but let's not be grim-pills in the process!

~ Arthur D Bardswell

Manners are for those who have neither beauty or talent but want people to like them despite their lack of attractions

~ Brigid Brophy

I have not yet tranquillised myself enough to see Frederica.

~ Jane Austen

OK, so the guy is cool, but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure!

~ Douglas Adams

The trouble with parents is they remember the things you don’t want them to remember. Then the things you want them to remember, they forget. Kosi Kamsi

~ Kate Iffy Chukwu

One cannot help feeling that some alternative occupation—lettuce farming, say—would offer somewhat less of a risk of being put to death by installments. Why do you persist in it?”Goldeneyes Dactylos shrugged.“I’m good at it,” he said.

~ Terry Pratchett

If you're not where you wanna be in your life, why you chilling so much?

~ Unknown

A dark cloud of gloom settled itself on her head and began raining on her day. Her mood went from animated to morose faster than it would get a F1 car to accelerate to full throttle.

~ Kiran Manral

No answer I could provide to that question could possibly serve my own future interests. Sarek straightened his sleeve and focused on her. More wine, Wife?

~ Keira Marcos

Rincewind picked up a spare paper and read it.It was headed: Examination for the post of Assistant Night-Soil Operative for the District of W'ung.He read question one. It required candidates to write a sixteen-line poem on evening mist over the reed beds.Question two seemed to be about the use of metaphor in some book Rincewind had never heard of.Then there was a question about music . . .Rincewind turned the paper over a couple of times. There didn't seem to be any mention, anywhere, of words like 'compost' or 'bucket' or 'wheelbarrow'. But presumably all this produced a better class of person than the Ankh-Morpork system, which asked just one question: 'Got your own shovel, have you?

~ Terry Pratchett

.. when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I'm going to live - or at least try to live - the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humour, with composure.

~ Mitch Albom

The Attolians liked to point out with a snicker that there was no sign anywhere of the king's hand at work.

~ Megan Whalen Turner

He stares at me. “So you’re telling me that you obey all my orders, because honestly that would be news to me?”“I always obey your orders,” I say indignantly. “I am quite possibly the best assistant in history.”“That would certainly be true, if you were the only assistant in history.

~ Lily Morton

I'm not a goose, you're the gooses for crying over nothing

~ Leo Tolstoy

This is where being a modern woman can be very confusing. Half of me was annoyed that Quinn felt I needed protecting and the other half of me loved that he wanted to do it. Go figure.” Rosa Wild, Wild Pursuit

~ Annabeth Nash

Smoky knickers. Always said you were hot stuff,” he said. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at the same time. It made me so dizzy that I almost fell over. Men.

~ Annabeth Nash

Wolfe still paid no attention to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect him to, since he was busy taking exercise. He had recently got the impression he weighed too much- which was about the same as if the Atlantic Ocean had decided it was too wet...

~ Rex Stout

Tell me,' he asked, with some embarassment, as we strolled along: 'you're a bloody German, aren't you?''Oh, no. I'm Hungarian.''Hungarian?''Hungarian.''What's that? Is that a country? Or you are just having me on?'Not at all. On my word of honour, it is a country.''And where do you Hungarians live?''In Hungary. Between Austria, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia'.'Come off it. Those places were made up by Shakespeare.

~ Antal Szerb

The aftereffects of confiding something you shouldn't have, almost as bad as a hangover.

~ Malka Ann Older