Humour Quotes

Oh, those hateful sods will never make it to Heaven. They’re all on an express elevator to the gay spit-roast dungeon in Hell. Within five minutes of kicking the bucket, they’ll have demon balls swollen with fiery spunk slapping off their shapeless chins.

~ Michael Logan

Every student should know that statues are meant for sitting. If we're to endure their terrible old faces leering at us, the least they can do is offer shade or a comfortable perch. Nigel Bristow to Max McDaniels

~ Henry H. Neff

An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet.

~ Mark Twain

Murder is only killing in the wrong place.

~ Pat Barker

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

~ Cassandra Page

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?Lillian shot her a withering glance. Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Just look at the fellow, standing there like a bloody Greek god. Do you think she chose him because of his intellect?”“I graduated from Cambridge,” Christopher said acidly. “Should I have brought my diploma?

~ Lisa Kleypas

I was shy,” said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side.

~ Anne Gracie

Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked.“No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority.“Thicketry?”“Yes, that is the official term.

~ Anne Gracie

Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.

~ Anne Gracie

If you're going to buy a castle, make sure you get on the property extension ladder.

~ Benny Bellamacina

I had everything summed up in a nutshell unfortunately I lost the nut.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Of all the things I expected to find in my lunch, a live snake wasn't one of them.

~ Peter James West

Best that all mischief be undertaken behind a squeaky door

~ Benny Bellamacina

When you reach the middle of your career ladder, turn it the other way around and slide down to the top

~ Benny Bellamacina

If you want to know what's going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

~ Benny Bellamacina

Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag?

~ Don Delillo

Always recycle wasted time

~ Benny Bellamacina

Ambition is the intellectual equivalent of body odour.

~ Jerry Toner

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

~ Benny Bellamacina

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, You can do this. You've got what it takes. The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

~ Carla H. Krueger

I am the sum of my past experience.Some people have got a lot to answer for.

~ Peter James West

Drafting is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.The closer you get to the end, the more you start to worry about the beginning.

~ Peter James West

On the way home, I saw a fist fight between an adverb and a pair of parentheses.I kept on walking.

~ Peter James West

Frankly speaking, I'm not afraid of death. I don't endeavour to avert its advent. But I don't want to be a witness of it.

~ Alexander Zalan

I got this to say. You're acting like a crowd of kids.

~ William Golding

He led them around the base of a great fallen tree whose exposed roots resembled more than anything else a huge broom - a broom that would have fired the imagination of Rachel the Dragon toward heroic, legendary feats of sweeping.

~ Tad Williams

I don't mean to mock the gods, but Freyja seems to me a bitch.- Hjalti Skjeggjason

~ Robert Ferguson

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

~ Krystyna Faroe

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call food.

~ Carla H. Krueger

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

~ Deb E. Howell

Indifference is the revenge the world takes on mediocrities.

~ Oscar Wilde

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

~ Tara Janzen

In that one, they'd done their darnedest to destroy Riley's Switch. This time, instead of two-by-fours and tire irons, they seemed a little more focused on choke holds and knees to the face. Their desire to be close to each other was sweet.

~ Darynda Jones

Fight Apathy! ... or don't.

~ Fallout New Vegas Graffiti

How old did someone have to be before they could be put to use to make tea?

~ Jenny Oliver

This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don't do Christmas?

~ R.d. Ronald

Christmas comes but once a year, starts in August ends in July

~ Benny Bellamacina