Humour Quotes

Out of all the things you would expect when facing a dragon, silence was not on the list. Roaring? Certainly! Snarling? Why, yes - of course! Fire-breathing? Couldn’t possibly do without it. Wouldn’t feel right if it wasn’t there.But silence?No. Definitely not.It was as out of place as a potter at a blacksmith’s.

~ Ness Kingsley

Throughout time, we, as cats, have been worshipped by lower beings such as humans. Nothing has changed.

~ Rosie Malezer

Horses are calmer people. They also don't throw things at cats.

~ Tamora Pierce (Author)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a warm house and a well-stocked fridge must be in want of a cat.

~ Heather Hacking

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

~ Diane Messidoro

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

~ Dianna Hardy

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.

~ Michelle Franklin

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be.

~ Yahtzee Croshaw

It's good to write badly. Things can only get better.

~ Alan Dapre

But with each step she took, Mythili realized why most people don’t go shopping alone. It’s because this mind of ours gets pretty damn busy. It starts analyzing every little stimulus you receive. And because you don’t have another human being walking next to you distracting you from all the little stuff you should be ignoring, your mind takes it upon itself to provide you with companionship and talk you through your life.

~ Shweta Ganesh Kumar

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it.You have passed the point of no return.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I once tried to give him a friendly little drugs chat. He politely corrected me on every single fact, then said he'd noticed I drank above the recommended guidelines of Red Bull and did I think I might have an addiction? That was the last time I tried to act like the older sister.

~ Sophie Kinsella

Tony smothered the life that me and Ma had built, a furry mould growing over a sweating slab of cheese.

~ Kerry Hudson

We left the nursery in silence, Ma smoking a roll-up, looking like she hadn’t slept in a week or maybe like she had slept for a whole week. When the nursery was just a grubby finger smudge behind us Ma looked down at me and said in her poshed-up telephone voice: “Will you speak to Janie about swearing? Fuckin’ busybody!”I laughed and swung our linked hands.“Aye, fuckin’ busybody.”Pleas of laughter escaped us and spiraled up into the hot, blue Scottish sky. We laughed all the way home

~ Kerry Hudson

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

She often felt like she had been cast in a supportingrole with the film that was Louise. And there was more melodrama to be found there than a full-scale Merchant-Ivory period production. Tonight, she was certain, would be no exception.

~ Kerri Thomson

I always reminded myself that this wasn't exactly where I was meant to be, but pit stops are okay on the road of life, aren't they?

~ Lena Dunham

Every discussion with a girl is an argument, and when you think you are right suddenly you realize that your trapped.

~ Bharat

Ah, shit. She’s been crying. This is not good. I swear to God, a girl crying is fucking blackmail. It just makes you feel so damn guilty – no matter if you’ve done anything wrong or not – and have the bizarre urge to make her feel better.

~ Joanne Mcclean

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

~ Santosh Kalwar

Erm…I don’t know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking far too hot in that sexy, snug tee when you should just be looking like Jo’s little brother. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I chose the much more sophisticated reaction of scowling, hard. I would have kicked him again, but I was convinced he’d moved his legs out of the way. Coward.” ~ Ella, A Perfect Moment

~ Becca Lee

As if reading her mind, he leaned into her again, pupils dark, irises glowing like a forest caught in the last rays of sun before dusk… “Do you want me to make you come?”“Is that a trick question?

~ Dianna Hardy

Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the incredible if only one sees it enough!

~ Richard Matheson

I don't know about you, but I just can't rule out finding the love of my life simply because he's twenty four years older than me. I'm only sorry you had to wait so long for me to reach the right age to come looking for you.

~ Dawn Sister

Any advice for how to be a successful author?Yes. Don't be a woman. And be dead. And do both at the same time, if you can.

~ Michelle Franklin

There are some laws that are coded into the very nature of the universe, and one is: There Is Never Enough Shelf Space.

~ Terry Pratchett

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

~ Bill Bryson

I hope you're not proposing to enslave us,' said Twoflower.Marchesa looked genuinely shocked. 'Certainly not! Whatever could have given you that idea? Your lives in Krull will be rich, full and comfortable-''Oh, good,' said Rincewind.'-just not very long.

~ Terry Pratchett

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate’s clothes, but it didn’t make me Kate.

~ Sharon Sant

There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.

~ Simone Elkeles

What are you boys doing?” she asks, as if we’re still little kids messing around.“Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly.

~ Simone Elkeles

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?”“Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.”“I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?”“Maybe.

~ Simone Elkeles

Ben walks in the room and asks, “What were you guys doing?” Nikki says “Nothing” at the same time I say, “Your sister and I were just makin’ out.

~ Simone Elkeles

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. “He’s a looker.”“I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.

~ Simone Elkeles

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out me

~ Simone Elkeles

You look like a hot tamale.”“That’s not really a compliment.

~ Simone Elkeles

What’s with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan.”“I suspect I am a hooligan.

~ Simone Elkeles

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

~ Simone Elkeles

I’m not going anywhere until you hear me out.”Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the

~ Simone Elkeles

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.”I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically.“Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

~ Simone Elkeles