Sarcasm Quotes

She's my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I'm mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I'm bigger than her... I wonder if I could use my straw for some sort of MacGyver inspired weapon.

~ Steph Campbell

Great,' I said. 'Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

~ Steven Gould

I couldn't help thinkin' if she was as far out o' town as she was out o' tune, she wouldn't get back in a day.

~ Sarah Orne Jewett

At one time, the treatment for a certain kind of psychosis had been to push an ice pick up through the orbit of the eye, into the frontal lobe; the ice pick was then stirred around until it reduced the problematic brain tissue to non-functioning porridge.

~ Alastair Reynolds

It was stealing her breath, imbecile. Go get a towel. -Christophe, Strange Angels by Lili St. Crow

~ Lilith Saintcrow

When all else fails...try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work...have another.

~ Timothy Pina

Marion: What is all this? What's going on?Clint: The same thing that's always going on. The end of the world.

~ Rachel Pollack

So the I.F. is spying on Earth.Just as a mother spies on her children at play in the yard.Good to know you're looking out for us, Mummy.

~ Orson Scott Card

Sophie coughed, and Oliver felt his cheeks becoming warm. “Don’t be an ass, Andrew.” “That’s a little bit difficult to accomplish, y’know?” Andrew replied. “I mean, if you had been so kind as to paint me with black and white stripes, I would’ve been a zebra!

~ Zeinab Alayan

Well, what do you want me to do? Head butt my way through a few inches of steel?!” she snarled.“Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

~ S.l.j. Shortt

(One character on another:)Don't you know that I passionately dote on every chin on his face?

~ Dorothy L. Sayers

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray.

~ Evan Kuhlman

If you turned your back on irony, it curdled into sarcasm. And what good was it then? Sarcasm was irony which had lost its soul.

~ Julian Barnes

Entertaining females with accounts of jug-bitten maunderings is one of my favourite pastimes.

~ Georgette Heyer

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

~ Kresley Cole

Twenty-three stories up and all I could see out the windows was grey smog. They could call it the City of the Angels if they wanted to, but if there were angels out there, they had to be flying blind.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

his mind's like Alcatraz. once something's in, it never gets out

~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year.

~ Jeff Deck

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

~ Stefne Miller

Miss Prendregast!” He rapped on his desk with his knuckles. “You were never in any danger!”“Except from the wild animals.”His lids swept down as if he needed a reprieve from looking at her. “Alert me if you’re attacked by a rabbit.

~ Christina Dodd

As soon as they were spotted, one of the jerk’s buddies pointed at me and said, “Arrest her! She’s the one who killed Z

~ Bella Shadow

And fetch some straw.We’ll put it between us and the ground. No reason we shouldn’t sleep soft tonight.”“Straw. I love luxury.

~ Joanna Bourne

it's a losing battle at this point,but so was the alamo

~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.

~ Alex Owens

You like? she asked Slade. He gave her a head nod and she vanished behind the curtain.That's my sister, he said, pointing at the closed curtain.I shrugged. I'm glad you guys are so close.

~ Holly Hood

Abby wouldn't want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle on the ground with a box of tissues and an empty gallon of ice cream by your side. Then afterwards to hit you for thinking she was seriously hoping you would be doing that.

~ Ottilie Weber

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she'd found. '...and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can't wait 'til you see it.' She gesticulated wildly, and her only saving grace right now was her amazing rack that swayed and bounced with each movement. Sometimes he swore that was the only reason he ever looked crosswise at Amanda Price. That, and her daddy's checkbook. 'And I found these shoes-- 'Uh huh, that's nice,' he cut her off and slid free from the booth. He held out his hand. 'Got the card?' He waved the bill in the air at her questioning gaze. Was she a little cross-eyed, maybe? He thought so.

~ Brandi Salazar

Yeah, I was just curious. I concentrated on my footsteps.Yeah, well, next time you think about stepping into rock concerts you might want to bring a bodyguard.I stopped and turned around. I brought my hands to my hips, a bit offended. What is that supposed to mean?He dropped the end of the bat into the sand. It means your small.

~ Holly Hood

Andrew just shrugged, and I fiddled with the napkin in my lap while glancing idly around the restaurant. The obligatory mirrors hung on the walls, and there was one of those fountains with fake lily pads in the entryway. The restaurant was also lit like a mine shaft. I've never understood why dim lighting is supposed to be so romantic. Night vision belongs into a Paris Hilton sex tape - not in a restaurant that could potentially poison me with peanut sauce.

~ Alicia Thompson

Oh, poor, poor fellow!' said Mrs. Elliot with a remorse that was sincere, though her congratulations would not have been.

~ E.m. Forster

You will never find me in trouble. You will find me in the library. If you can remember where that is.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

~ Douglas Coupland

If then, Moses so distinctly announces that there is in us not only a faculty, but also a facility for keeping all commandments, why are we sweating so much? ... What need is there now of Christ or of Spirit? We have found a passage that asserts freedom of choice, but also distinctly teaches that the keeping of the commandments is easy.

~ Martin Luther

A demigod?” I repeated like I’d just learned to speak a few seconds ago. “A real, live demigod?”“Opposed to a fake, dead one?” He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. “You used to have a sense of humor, Seth.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Everyone has bad days...'my Dear MIDDLE FINGER, Thanks for sticking up for me!

~ Napz Cherub Pellazo

Poetry is a disease vector. Like malaria.

~ Katie Douglas

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias Four

~ Veronica Roth

Sarcasm is the new staircase to stardom.

~ Ahmed Mostafa

And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.-Haymitch Abernathy

~ Suzanne Collins

Your sarcasm and general assholeness are not necessary,” Apollo remarked casually.I grinned at him. “I don’t think ‘assholeness’ is a word.”“It is if I say it is.” Apollo drew in a deep breath, a sure sign his temper was reaching its knock-Seth-into-the-nearby-ocean point.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout