Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
~ Roseanne Barr
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.
I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
