Comedy Quotes

Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?

~ Adele Griffin

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played out by an incomparable actor.

~ Champfleury

That bloody bastard! That thrice accursed son of a bitch!

~ Cornelia Funke

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish shrek mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

~ Saira Viola

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own sort of way. Of course we want to keep our health but as far as anything else is concerned, we'll leave it to You. Thank You.

~ Moss Hart

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

~ Josh Stern

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech

~ Colley Cibber

A comedy isn’t about being funny...a comedy is about characters who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all.

~ Gary D. Schmidt

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

~ Patrick Major Dallas Or

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

~ Harold Ramis

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

~ Daniel Prokop

BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.

~ Bruce Robinson

I found myself surrounded by really old veterans wearing hats that said, Retired Marine - SEMPER FI. These hats didn't appear to fit on their heads, but instead seemed to hover over them.At one point, I mistakenly tried to take the last box of crackers that a veteran also wanted. He started yelling, I ran away from home at seventeen, lied about my age, and joined the Corps! I fought in World War II, Korea, and NAM! I have no cartilage in my right knee! It's bone-on-bone, but every morning I run six miles! I did not sacrifice my knee for this country to come here today and have you disrespect me at the commissary. Oooh-RAH!I dropped the crackers and walked away.

~ Mollie Gross

It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her Dildo and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!

~ Mollie Gross

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

~ Joe Rogan

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

~ Booth

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?Her advice? Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

~ Mollie Gross

During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons because they had perpetrated the attacks on the Twin Towers.There was no way we could convince her of the difference. We'd just smile and not. That's right, Grandma, all the Mormons got together on September 11th and ran their bicycles into the Twin Towers!

~ Mollie Gross

The girdle went from just under my breasts to the top of my knees. It cinched me in pretty tight. In fact, it was so tight that when I sat in it and farted, the farts would slide up my back, shoot out the top of the girdle, and make my hair fly off the back of my beck.

~ Mollie Gross

Any game plan? (Xypher)Don't die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Pregnancy is a very tough experience for a female, have no doubt. But, it's not a walk in the park for a man either. Understanding on both sides is key

~ James Perrin

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.

~ Terry Pratchett

Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.

~ Jaime Reed

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

~ Marshall Mcluhan

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?' he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. 'A bit of a crush in the vestibule, here, Mamma! If we start crying, there'll be an explosion. Never mind, I'll be there to collect the bits--just like an antiquary.''Now, there's the language of true French gallantry,' murmured Madame Vauquer in an aside to Madame Couture.

~ Honoré De Balzac

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

~ Paula Mclain

Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man's subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man's subjection to it. The fall in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where, by natures's arithmetic,one and one make a brand new one.

~ Rose A. Zimbardo

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

~ Mary Chase

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.

~ Goldy Moldavsky

If you want to get results in your life try with comedy... first pressure then apply comedy. Always it shallow the shitty life-pressure!

~ Deyth Banger

Comedy was invented to make people forget,That the plays of our lives were originally written as tragedies.

~ Cody Edward Lee Miller

I understand the, um, difficulty the French expatriates might have, especially after projects in Brazil, Mexico, and Colombia. My heart goes out to you all.’ Katrina wished she could control that stupid smile that was aching to spread on her face as Luc Gautier became bright red. ‘But this is Chennai . . . South India. Not even your largest glass manufacturing facility with 1,000-tonne capacity per day will save you from being slapped.

~ Cécile Rischmann

Nihilism is a subject for comedy.

~ Marty Rubin

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.

~ Bram Stoker

There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.

~ Jim Jefferies

Cath exhaled. Then inhaled. Her chest was so tight, it hurt both ways. Levi shouldn't get to make her feel this way - he shouldn't even have access to her chest.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Dat's a some joke, Hey Boss.

~ Chico Marx

Tragedy and comedy involve an audience, so they must give--sharing themselves to elicit tears and laughter. Melodrama is not such a strategist. It meets no one's expectation but its internal need to feel.

~ Yiyun Li

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable.

~ Michaela Haze

No,” he said after a pause, “the true art of the gods is the comic. The comic is a condescension of the divine to the world of man; it is the sublime vision, which cannot be studied, but must ever be celestially granted. In the comic the gods see their own being reflected as in a mirror, and while the tragic poet is bound by strict laws, they will allow the comic artist a freedom as unlimited as their own. They do not even withhold their own existence from his sports. Jove may favor Lucianos of Samosata. As long as your mockery is in true godly taste you may mock at the gods and still remain a sound devotee. But in pitying, or condoling with your god, you deny and annihilate him, and such is the most horrible of atheisms.

~ Karen Blixen