Funny Quotes

I pick up Dylan. He certainly takes after his father: about three-quarters of his body weight seems to be head, and three-quarters of that is ears.

~ Ken Jennings

Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?’ I asked.‘You cannot take these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They belong to the government.

~ Doug Macleod

In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down!

~ Philip Roth

Surely my lord will not hide his beautiful white legs! exclaimed Infadoos regretfully. But Good persisted, and once only did the Kukuana people get the chance of seeing his beautiful legs again. Good is a very modest man. Henceforward they had to satisfy their aesthetic longings with his one whisker, his transparent eye, and his movable teeth.

~ H. Rider Haggard

What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. I have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.

~ David Macaulay

But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960's.

~ Kate Morton

I can't go into a long explanation before company; but I couldn't help it, upon my honour.Upon your what? growled Sikes, with excessive disgust. Here! Cut me off a piece of that pie, one of you boys,to take the taste of that out of my mouth, or it'll choke me dead.

~ Charles Dickens

Aelin would likely laughed to see him now. The man who had stumbled out of her room after she’d declared that her cycle had arrived. Now sitting in this fine room, mostly naked and not giving a shit about it.

~ Sarah J. Maas

And maybe . . . maybe he’ll even get more comfortable having me around. Open up, wanna chat more, and we’ll become almost friends, or—“Hey,” he grumbles from behind me, “am I paying you to stand there and stare at the wall?”Yeah, too soon, Lou. Too soon.

~ T.l. Martin

boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?

~ Frank

You are my flesh and blood and I have always doted on you, but right now I would have to say you deserve a haughty, ruined chit for your own and she deserves you.

~ Mary Balogh

Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.

~ Jacques Barzun

Drab? Soldier yelled. I'll give you drab. Beat her, would you? Beat my wife? I'll feed your head to the vultures, you snotty little hamster with your golden pelt and buttery looks!

~ Kim Hunter

So close now, Alec could read the make on his wetsuit, see the individual grains of sand that dustedthe black material, the drops of water trembling on the points of his hair. Now or never. But Alec couldn‟t,couldn’t. Could he?He stood up. “Stop!” His mouth dried out as the surfer‟s dark, dark green eyes looked into his, startledand curious. Suddenly he felt an absolute fool. He was inviting a good kicking, at least. But damn it, a mancouldn‟t always be afraid.“Don‟t go past. Please. Sit down and drink with me. If you go past… If you go past, I think I‟ll die.

~ Alex Beecroft

I knew I was in love with The Hunger Games when I did not want to get off the treadmill

~ Roxane Gay

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

~ John Chaplin

Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or superficial nametags. Those french knickers were flags blowing in the wind, like a statement of victory.

~ Diana Janney

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

~ Robin Alexander

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

~ Mitch Albom

A chubby vole sat as guardian between the two sections, making sure the hoi polloi didn't get any ideas above their station. His name was Harold, and the most important thing he had learned in his life, as far as he was concerned, was that it was entirely possible to sleep with one's eyes open, or at least open enough to deceive passersby, if one was willing to put in a bit of practice. True, it wasn't as good as a full-on nap, but any degree of slumber was better than waking. As far as Harold was concerned, the biter part of existence lay in those little moments of oblivion that preceded the last.

~ Daniel Polansky

You thought? The landsknecht glanced at him piteously. With what, I wonder? If you swallowed a cockroach with your soap, dolt, you'd have more intelligence in your guts than in your head.

~ Sapkowski

Anxiety felt like a grapnel anchor had been pickaxed into your back, one prong in each lung, one through the heart, one through the spine, the weight curving your posture forward, dragging you down to the murky depths of the sea floor. The good news was that you kind of got used to it after a while. Got used to the gasping, brink-of-heart-attack feeling that followed you everywhere. All you had to do was grab one of the prongs that stuck out from the bottom of your sternum, give it a little shake, and say, “Listen, asshole. We’re not dying. We have shit to do.

~ Krystal Sutherland

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away — an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

~ Robert Kroese

Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.

~ Ellen Hart

He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.

~ Robert Kroese

He pointed at the paper. “I want you to write me a description of every foot you’ve put wrong since we met. Make sure I can read your writing. You have five minutes.”Write about every foot I’d put wrong. I peered down at my feet.I started to write: My left foot is a size eight point five. It has a high arch, and my big toe is longer than my second toe. There is a light smattering of hair on the top of my foot. I paused and stuck my left leg out, studying my shoe. Right now I am wearing Nike Frees for m—“Bring me your paper.”I glanced at my paper. “I’m not done yet.”“One . . . two . . .”I brought him the paper.

~ J.a. Rock

Stop trying to make everyone happy. You're not tequila.

~ Emmy Rossum

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.

~ Isaac Asimov

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

~ Isaac Asimov

Have you ever or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage, or in terrorist activities, or genocide? I think we can put a big yes down for all of the above.

~ Claire North

Apollo watched me closely, intently. “No.”My eyes narrowed. “No to what?”“I’m not sending you after them. Not yet,” he said, surprising me into silence—a rarity. “I have another task for you. You need to leave for southern Virginia immediately. I’d snap your sunshine-and-rainbows ass there, but now that you’ve annoyed me, you’ll drive the twenty or so hours to get there.”Okay. That was irritating, but I kind of liked road trips, so whatever. “What’s in southern Virginia?”“Radford University.”I waited.I waited some more, and then sighed. “Okay. You want me to enroll in college?” I asked, and Apollo tipped back his head and laughed so loudly, he actually whooped. I frowned. “What the hell is so funny about that idea?”“You. College. Using your head. That’s what’s funny.”I was seconds away from blasting him with akasha.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.

~ Ilona Andrews

He chuckled into my hair. My body decided this would be a fine moment to remember that his body was wrapped around mine and his body was muscular, hard, and hot, and my butt was pressed against his groin. Cuddled up by a dragon. No, thank you. Let me off this train.“If you keep wiggling, things might get uncomfortable,” he said into my ear, his voice like a caress. “I’m doing my best, but thinking about baseball only takes you so far.

~ Ilona Andrews

In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.

~ Reductress

What are we talking about again?” he asks.I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both laugh.“What are the ingredients?” he prompts me again.“Mutual self-interest and socioeconomic compatibility.”“Do you even have a soul?”“No such thing as a soul,” I say.

~ Nicola Yoon

Shit Bug said, his face sour. It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it.Fart.... what?

~ Ilona Andrews

Valérie: You know, you don't need to be a lesbian to be a feminist. Nor do you need short hair to be a lesbian. Or a feminist.Yes, but helps, doesd't it? Astrid counters

~ Clémentine Beauvais

It seems Washinoo didn't mind being kidnapped by lunatics. He remained with Yoshitsune until the very end.

~ Pamela S Turner

When he smoked marijuana he tended to masterbate a great deal.

~ David Foster Wallace

Kale's usually picky about who drives his car, 'he says, smiling again. 'But in this case, I don't think he would mind''Well, technically, it's no longer his car, I point out.He tilts his head slightly. 'Touché.

~ Gwen Cole