Funny Quotes

I have this condition I call impromptu senility. I can’t remember a damn thing when I don’t want to.

~ Laurann Dohner

Good shot.”“Not really. I was aiming for his balls.

~ Laurann Dohner

Hi, name’s Ran.” The werewolf smiled, hand extended.Silence.Ran mimicked the knight’s deep voice, while pretending to shake an invisible hand. “Hi, I’m the Amyntor.”More silence.“Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” the werewolf said in his own voice. “No, the pleasure’s all mine,” he said in Atlas’s voice.After yet more silence, Ran coughed into his fist before turning to look down the line at Aaron. “I see where you get your sense of humor from.

~ M.a. Wilder

Amber was busy flirting with a rookie named Dead Meat if he didn’t stop flirting back. She was eleven, for heaven’s sake! Of course, he may have just been humoring her. And it was a little cute. In a gross, Chester-the-molester kind of way.

~ Darynda Jones

Gemma had blond hair and blue eyes. I did not.Gemma was always an A student. I was more of a B-all-you-can-be kind of gal.When Gemma was into science, I was into skipping.When Gemma was into foreign languages, I was into the hot Italian guy down the street.

~ Darynda Jones

And I like the light-up.”“The what?”“The light-up,” he’d say. “You know, that look people get when they finally realize you’re for real. It’s like electricity. It makes me tingle all over. Like a blanket full of static.”Ew. “Really? I’ve never heard that.”“Yeah, and I like it when people realize we’re out here.”I leaned in close once and asked him, “Do you want your mom to realize you’re out here? Do you want her to know?”“Nah. It took her too long to get over me.”All in all, he was a good kid.

~ Darynda Jones

Props?”  She was almost afraid to ask.“Just the usual.  Stethoscope, tongue depressor... scalpel, bone saw, rib spreaders… just the normal stuff.”“Maybe in future you should ditch the props, be less Nurse Ratched and more soft porn first day on the job candy striper.”Darcy look genuinely puzzled for a brief moment. “Where would the fun be in that for me?

~ Jane Cousins

Hey, what are you doing with your hand?”   Eli’s voice came out high pitched in surprise, as she clutched at Rafe’s shoulders.“It’s the best place for leverage if you’re going to make that ladder.”“My ass?  Really?” “What can I say, I’ve done the math, factored in the weight and height ratios and your ass is definitely where I will gain the most leverage in lifting you.

~ Jane Cousins

Don’t worry, I’m the business expert here, and when I make my first million, I’m going to sue those werewolves’ asses off,” Priscilla said cheerfully.  “They’ll have no ass left. They’ll be ass-less. They’ll look ridiculous.

~ St. Clair

I’m brutally honest.”              “No kidding. Sometimes a little too honest. There’s this word called tact, it’s in the dictionary under the letter T.”“I don’t believe you, I think you just made that word up.

~ St. Clair

Shouldn’t you be at your posts?” Jayden stepped up.Logan nodded.“Just talking about…girl stuff,” Tristan said.“Mascara,” Blake said.“What?” Tristan said.“Leaving.” Logan shoved the boys.Jayden leaned in. “There’s something the others wish to remain secret. But I think having the knowledge would be beneficial. You’re—”“Bait.” I didn’t bother to hide my grin.“Precisely, but don’t be alarmed because—” He jerked back. “You know?”“I do.”Jayden stared blankly, then patted my head. “Excellent.

~ A.e. Kirk

You’re sure? I thought I heard someone.”“Nope, not a soul,” Blake said. “Get it. Soul. Because we’re in a church.

~ A.e. Kirk

the cross had slipped back onto my chest. I unclasped it and after wrapping the chain around the metal, tucked it into my bra

~ A.e. Kirk

I tucked the feather into my bra, then glanced up at the sudden heavy silence. “What?”Blake grinned. “What else you got in there? Can I see?”“Shut up, Blake!” said the rest of the boys.

~ A.e. Kirk

A whoosh and the lines of fire sucked back toward Ayden, flames disappearing into his hands. Back to normal.“Ayden’s the most visually effective,” Matthias said.A burning scent lingered but no damage to the “hottie” in front of me. I know, I know, but I couldn’t resist.

~ A.e. Kirk

He fanned his fingers and spider lines cracked the ice. Seconds later the tea boiled.“You control tea?”Jayden’s satisfied smile faltered. “No. I…I control water. The tea, the actual plant doesn’t change, however—” He caught my look and nodded. “Ohhh. You were being facetious.”“If that means joking, yes I was

~ A.e. Kirk

Ayden and I clapped our hands over our ears when the shrieking started.“Yes. I can see that you’re enthused,” Jayden tried to speak over the girls’ squealing, “but you need—”Danica snatched the backstage passes from Jayden. “No way!”“Uh, yes. Way?” Jayden said.

~ A.e. Kirk

I shot him daggers. Along with swords, scythes, scalpels, shivs, shanks, stilettos, and any other sharp weapon I could think of that began with an “s.

~ A.e. Kirk

Son of a—Rora?” Blake slid out of the crater he’d just made in the wall. “Crap. What are you doing here?” He saw my wrist. “Handcuffs? I definitely want that story.

~ A.e. Kirk

A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. “Don’t! You’ll burn!”“I’m used to it.” Ayden’s brown eyes twinkled. “In fact, I’ve been told I’m smokin’.” He held out a hand, his voice soft. “By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me.

~ A.e. Kirk

This time, try to keep your hands to yourself,” Ayden whispered in my ear. “Your octopus routine could get a bit embarrassing with this crowd.”“Th—that’s not funny.”“Come on. It was a little funny. You’re smiling.”I buried my face in his chest so he couldn’t see he was right.“Now,” Blake said, “about those handcuffs. That’s just—”“Don’t say it,” Ayden warned.“Kinky.

~ A.e. Kirk

Aurora!” Dad came running out.“Over here.”“We’re going to head home.” Dad leaned against a post at the bottom of the steps. “Hey, guys. What’re you talking about?”I smiled. “Just…girl stuff.”“Tampons,” Blake blurted.My jaw dropped. Dad’s eyes went wide. “Well, that’s…very…uh…” He backed a few steps. Glanced over his shoulder. “I’ll just…um…Gemma!” And he was sprinting toward the building.“Blake!” we all snapped.“Sorry, I panicked.”“Aurora,” Ayden said. “You’d better—before your mom—”“Yep.” I raced down the steps. “Dad, he was kidding!

~ A.e. Kirk

Blake hung an arm on my shoulders. “Alone at last.”“I’m right here,” Logan said.“Maybe you shouldn’t be.

~ A.e. Kirk

Blake dug a hand into our popcorn.Jayden leaned forward. “Aurora, perhaps you can reconcile our debate. Is Hitchcock horror or suspense?”“Suspense,” Tristan said.“Horror,” Logan countered.“You thought Sleepless in Seattle was horror,” Tristan said. “All that lovey-dovey stuff gave you nightmares.”“Sad but true,” Jayden confirmed.

~ A.e. Kirk

You should have been born a poet,” she whispered as she pulled away.“Screw that,” he laughed as he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I’d rather be a porn star,” he said

~ Amelia Hutchins

I should spank you; I didn’t enjoy you impulsively ditching me, but I did enjoy your driving.”“Wait, back up. You…” She paused as she replayed what he’d said earlier. “I was watching for you; how the hell?”“I think somewhere between screaming freedom, and crying your pretty little eyes out, you missed me sifting in and I was at a loss for the weirdness of the situation. I was also pretty sure you wanted some alone time

~ Amelia Hutchins

Chalk again? Cal seemed almost disappointed. Too bad there's no chalk monster.Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn't exist. Zombies who drank blood to stay alive. Ridiculous.

~ R. Cooper

Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?Really? I had no idea. Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away?

~ Alanea Alder

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs? Tears flowed down her face. I don't want to go down the hole! I won't put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won't be able to wear my skin, I won't cover your huge ass! She wailed.

~ Alanea Alder

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary.

~ Patricia Briggs

When he grew up, he wanted to be like Charles.

~ Patricia Briggs

His appearance projected danger and reinforced the common knowledge that one did not want to piss off a demon, especially this one.

~ Kiersten Fay

Fuck you!” “Right here?” He crossed his arms. “That definitely wouldn’t help your getting over me.

~ Stacey Marie Brown

What do you do when you’re in a room of vampires and the most dangerous one tells you that youknow too much? You bolt. What did I do? I hyperventilated.

~ Tijan

Me too, Arch,” Jeremiah said. “I want an answer about my request to transfer. Even now, my balls are shrinking in anticipation of going back out in the cold. I said I'd give my life protecting humanity, but my balls were never in the bargain.

~ Rose Wynters

I go in on your arm and we separate. To make me look unavailable, since Vlad likes what he can’t have, I play dumb blonde and make myself sexy.” I glared as Adam barked with laughter at my words.“No going off of the plan, when he takes you in the back room—and he will, you work the information out of him without blowing your cover, or him.” I shot the glare to Ryder. “I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad’s knob. Or yours.” I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked.

~ Amelia Hutchins

I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. “You could have at least licked it.”He smirked darkly. “I hear that all too often.

~ Dannika Dark

If she in fact knows magic she needs to do a spell to adjust that shitty attitude she has all of a sudden,” Nona said. “I may not be a witch, but I will knock her right off that broomstick if she keeps this up.

~ Holly Hood

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

~ Richelle Mead

What I don’t get is how this helps me. You two get superpowers, and I get what?”Cian smiled broadly. “You have a power, Meggie. You have a magical pussy. It was sleeping with you together that brought us into our power. That vagina of yours is pure gold, lover.” Meg gave Cian a playful shove and rolled her eyes while he and his brother had a good laugh.“Don’t go expecting to use it on anyone else,” Beck said as though the thought had suddenly occurred to him. “That only works on the two of us.”Meg walked up to him and gave him a saucy smile. “Yes, Beck, I was planning on opening up shop. I was going to hang a sign on the cottage door and charge for it.

~ Sophie Oak