Humor Quotes

You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, Money, I'm home!

~ Natalya Vorobyova

Phoebus de Chateaupers likewise came to a 'tragic end': he married.

~ Victor Hugo

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

~ Oscar Wilde

Thank God (my wife) and I were both born poorso the concept of fidelity was allowed to take root in us.

~ Allan Wolf

Despite her unrepentant aversion to Italian food, which her husband put down to her nation's historic distrust of Italy, she suddenly declared: All I want in life is to be able to get a take-away pizza!

~ Julia Stuart

All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.

~ Jen Hatmaker

Pardon me for not being willing to commit my entire future to you based on two kisses and a blueberry muffin.

~ Laura Lee Guhrke

I'd go to the end of the world for my husband. Of course, if he'd just stop and ask directions, I wouldn't have to.

~ Martha Bolton

... There may not be even two men living in the world whom I would have agreed to marry, certainly not on such short notice. But I do not need two; I only need one.

~ Marie Brennan

The amount of women you hear say, If Donald—or Arthur—or whatever his name was—had only lived. And I sometimes think but if he had, he'd have been a stout, unromantic, short-tempered, middle-aged husband as likely as not.

~ Agatha Christie

Should I get married? Should I be good?

~ Gregory Corso

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did. Quote from the book: UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail.

~ A. White

Opposities are married.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Just married! A bright past is ahead of them!

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

When you live with a woman you learn something every day. So far I have learned that long hair will clog up the shower drain before you can say 'Liquid-Plumr'

~ Audrey Niffenegger

For her, marriage was a sweetened version of murder.

~ Daniel Saldaña París

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.And this is how he did it:He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.He stopped holding my hand.He stopped kissing me good night.He stopped kissing me good morning.He stopped kissing me.He stopped smiling at me.He stopped laughing.He stopped bathing and showering with me.He stopped wanting me.He started swearing at me.He started lying to me.He started cheating on me.He hurt me.And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.I wanted to blow his fucking brains out.

~ Terry Mcmillan

All lies, freckled vows, crying-weeping on your toesExpected jelly beans gusto, got yourself a life imperfectoToo good a gal, too arrogant a galToo independent, too in need of ChanelTook a careless ride, leaped for a perilous dive Now look who thrived, who gave you a vibe. - Chicken In Chicken Out

~ Heenashree Khandelwal

Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage.

~ George R.r. Martin

His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea.

~ Mary Balogh

In his business, he observed human nature and came to certain conclusions about it. The conclusions lacked wisdom and originality; in fact, they were tiresome. But they were important to McGarrity because he had figured them out for himself. In the first years of their marriage, he had tried to tell Mae about these conclusions, but all she said was, I can imagine. Sometimes she varied by saying, I can just imagine. Gradually then, because he could not share his inner self with her, he lost the power of being a husband to her, and she was unfaithful to him.

~ Betty Smith

Lorenzo: In such a night stood Dido with a willow in her hand upon the wild sea-banks, and waft her love to come again to Carthage Jessica: In such a night Medea gathered the enchanted herbs that did renew old Aeson. Lorenzo: In such a night did Jessica steal from the wealthy Jew, and with an unthrift love did run from Venice, as far as Belmont. Jessica: In such a night did young Lorenzo swear he lov'd her well, stealing her soul with many vows of faith, and ne'er a true one. Lorenzo: In such a night did pretty Jessica (like a little shrow) slander her love, and he forgave it her. Jessica: I would out-night you, did nobody come; but hark, I hear the footing of a man.

~ William Shakespeare

Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.

~ Pawan Mishra

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I was wrong.Now that I think about it, if I had said those words to a now-ex back in my twenties, I would probably be married right now.

~ Larry Gent

Well, no, not married as such, but yes, there is a specific girl that I'm not married to.

~ Douglas Adams

Are you kidding me? How can you even ask me that? I'm stuck in a world I have no hope of surviving, I'm forced to depend on a guy who thinks I can't be trusted, I'm being pushed into marrying a man who believes I can't talk, and I've lost everyone I've ever cared about! Why wouldn't I feel uneasy?

~ Cheryl Koevoet

You’ll be angry, but I’m going to ask anyway. Will you marry me?' The unsupported voice, the one that happened when he couldn’t breathe, but had to speak.I nudged his hands apart to see his face, and found it faintly overcast by tension. 'No,' I said gently,He blinked again and asked, his voice unaltered, 'May I ask you once a year, every seventh of December, in case the answer changes?''Yes. I don’t think it will.''Oh. I only ask because I hate the thought of not having breakfast with you for the rest of my life.''My dear,' I said. 'Jamie. That’s a different question.''Oh. Will you have breakfast with me for the rest of my life?''Probably.

~ Steven Brust

I must say, Graystone, you are surviving married life very nicely. Peter helped himself to claret from the decanter that had been set out in the library.Thank you, Sheldrake. I flatter myself that not every man could survive being married to Augusta.

~ Amanda Quick

Do you ever get a panicky feeling that nobody cares if you live or die? (A husband will often care decisively, one way or another.)

~ Sandra Gould

My dear husband Thomas has informed me that I can't walk without natural hip action. The more I slow to adjust my walk, the more my hips determine to swing of their own accord.

~ Heather Day Gilbert

A tattoo is permanent, with a marriage you can more easily change your mind.

~ Carolyn V. Hamilton

I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs.

~ Carolyn V. Hamilton

A lot of men tend to want modelsI tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one.

~ Trisha Ventker

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And like the road not taken, it was the fucks not given that made all the difference.

~ Mark Manson

Look. The world is full of liars, and it’s time someone admitted it, shed a light on it, and lightened up about it.

~ Lauren Handel Zander

Our mind has a mind of its own.

~ Lauren Handel Zander