Humor Quotes

There's a mathematics to nesting, I'm sure, that explains how length of stay + space available = accumulating way too much stuff.

~ Amy Smith

To Mr. Blot, who went through life an unconscious example of the raison d'être of the British Empire, a shipwreck was merely one of the many things to be ignored. His was a calming influence.

~ Cornelia Otis Skinner

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true.

~ Geoff Dyer

Don’t take everything for granted, and do not always count on finding everything you need.

~ Larry Herzberg

When given the chance to see China off the beaten track, definitely take it.

~ Larry Herzberg

I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead.

~ Mark Twain

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

~ Billy Connolly

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Sometimes it's the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

~ Anthony Horowitz

I don't know what I'd do without you. There's no one else to look after me. And it's not just that. I sometimes think you're the only person who really knows me. I only feel normal when I'm with you.

~ Anthony Horowitz

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I went to the room in my brain where all my thoughts about Adam lived and disconnected the electricity and boarded up all the doors and windows, so nothing could get out.Obviously it was very unsightly. There were bound to be complaints from the neighboring thoughts. But I had no choice.

~ Marian Keyes

My foggy brain slid away and— And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it’s a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through my brain as I looked at a photo of a decapitated head on my bed.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Whats on my mind? I think the question is, where is my mind?

~ Laura Hanna

A robin perched on the branch of the apple tree, his feathers ruffled, his red chest blazing.'No need to look so down in the mouth,' he chirruped. 'Things'll get worse before they get better.''I don't know what it is about that tree,' Geno grumbled, 'that makes everything that sits in it talk in proverbs.''It's easier than thinking,' the robin stated.

~ Felix Salten

When there's a monster under your bed sometimes it really is best not to look.

~ Jocelynn Drake

The decor was attractive and strong, but blander than she would have thought his wealth and position afforded him. Caren couldn't see the point of having that much money if all of it led to beige.

~ Attica Locke

Wealth announces itself with what's easy to break and impossible to clean. The chairs were all curvy works of art that turned sitting into yoga exercises.

~ Anthony Marra

The efficient management of organizations is key to generating wealth, for the development of a country, for the preservation of natural resources and the enhancement of the human being.

~ Vinicius Montgomery

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

I decided I would teach Mrs. P. a lesson by cooking my own meal.

~ Paul Murray

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations? Marshall smirked. Woe is me.

~ Sophie Avett

Life in this village is like that of a louse hanging on to a wrinkle in a loincloth.

~ Susumu Katsumata

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave

~ Bangambiki Habyarimana

Darling, i wish someone would realize im not happy. im alone and in pain because of you leaving me and never coming home. im nothng compared to you but i feel like im everything better than you. im sick of you and your judgement and you knowing exactly nothing about me at all. so tell me why should i i get know who you really are when your the person who need to get to know me?

~ Jessica Holt

Quinn wanted to make her see that people didn't live like this, but what was the use. No one was going to get her away from Bird Man out there.

~ Thomas Mcguane

I peeked in the bag. Do you know what was in there? I'll tell you what was in there: a collapsible tray table. Is there any sadder purchase in this fucking world? Maybe a CD of C+C Music Factory's Greatest Hits, but that's about it.

~ Caroline Kepnes

Let go of the people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.

~ Steve Maraboli

Let me tell you something, honey. When your boobs fall south and that pretty skin of yours looks like you’ve been tanning in a nuclear war zone, you’ll see what I mean about independence. When the looks are gone, all you’ve got left is your spirit, and ya gotta use it until you lose it. That and the occasional sponge bath from Francisco, but soon his ass will be just as wrinkly as mine. Beauty fades, but a strong will keeps ya young and springy.-Miss Velma

~ Rachael Wade

It had only taken me six years to change from a ten-year-old to a sixteen-year-old, surely six years wasn't long enough for a transformation of that magnitude.

~ Nick Hornby

I was an abusive, selfish, needy, angry asshole. Now I'm just kind of selfish, a little less angry, occasionally needy, with flights of asshole. I've grown.

~ Marc Maron

There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it fosters humor.

~ George Santayana

Mature love is like mature infinity: there is no such thing!

~ René Friedrich

You can face fear, or feel it, her dad used to say. … Feel it, and it eats you alive. Face it, and you get to kick some ugly alien butt. Okay, he never said that. I wonder if they even have butts.

~ Sabine Priestley

I wake up every morning thinking about all the great things I am going to accomplish that day, and I go to bed every night thinking about all the even greater things I’m going to have to accomplish tomorrow to make up for the nothing I did today.

~ John A. Ashley

You can't be creative without criticism. If your life is without critics then maybe you are painting your life's masterpiece with only a broken brown crayon.

~ Shannon L. Alder

If you're alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life.

~ Kevin Smith

Give up your dreams, you'll accomplish more without sleep.

~ Bauvard

You know, you spend your childhood watching TV, assuming that at some point in the future everything you see will one day happen to you: that you too will win a Formula One race, hop a train, foil a group of terrorists, tell someone 'Give me the gun', etc. Then you start secondary school, and suddenly everyone's asking you about your career plans and your long-term goals, and by goals they don't mean the kind you are planning to score in the FA Cup. Gradually the awful truth dawns on you: that Santa Claus was just the tip of the iceberg - that your future will not be the rollercoaster ride you'd imagined,that the world occupied by your parents, the world of washing dishes, going to the dentist, weekend trips to the DIY superstore to buy floor-tiles, is actually largely what people mean when they speak of 'life'.

~ Paul Murray

The self can watch itself becoming lazy, or non-watchful; this is an asset that can make both for humor and profound well-being.

~ Eli Siegel

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

~ K. Farrell St. Germain